Blog Therapy 

Hey readers,

Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 on the morning.

I am so tearful because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.

recovery 2

I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time.  For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.

I feel a bit suffocated as well being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven’t got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.

suffocated

I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with this thoughts.

I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.

recovery

It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. As in real life I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.

So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don’t feel judged and it is a place where I can freely right without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.

Cheers for reading X

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Autisitic Parenting

Hey readers,

Well my son has started school and one of the problems I struggle with being as an autistic mum is socialising with other parents.

The dreaded waiting at the school gates with the deathing noise makes my head spin. I physically shake and want to stim so badly that I need to control myself in order to mask these problems I deal with.

I know you ask why, why don’t I just be me. But it is not just me, it is my son as well. I am part of him and what I do influences him. Maybe not obviously but in the subtle ways with speaking to parents and getting that invite to a friend’s birthday. People judge sadly and what I do can include or isolate him, as sad as society is.

The hard thing for me as a parent is to appear shy/enigma in order to not let people see the real me as I am hyperactive/spontaneous, might not say the right thing. Laugh and be childish and not click with others.

No one ever prepares you for this and how it will influence your son’s confidence. Will I further fuck him up if I be me, should I hide away in order to make my son blend in better. Or should I be authentic as it provides my son of understanding disability and difference making him more acceptable of others that are different (not necessarily autistic). Just one mould fit it appears in this modern culture I feel and that all problems should  hide away as it still a taboo to be honest with children without some professional having a fit and pretending that everything is fluffy and cosy in life.

These are the kind of decision I have to make. I am currently taking a step back from school duties as the anxiety is so high and pariona is kicking in.

They say life is too short and you should just do what the fear wants you not to do. But to what extend is this not a good idea anymore.

Baby steps are hard for me as it is grey, I am all or nothing and I find it hard once I have an idea in my head to stop myself in committing to it fully. Alternatively I just shut down and have no interest in participating in the demotivated situation I have to face.All I want to close off, cry my eyes out, feel what is the point in doing it all. Should I have been a parent? do I have that right? and similar thoughts take over my thinking.

Nothing is ever clear, no right or wrong answers which for my autistic brain feels overwhelmed and can trigger a meltdown in order to try and regulate how I feel.

Autism is selfish or is it people don’t see I am trying to work my ass off that little bit more as every day is struggle and I have to make decisions fast.

it is frustrating when people think oh she doesn’t look autistic or she can walk down the road or she can communicate. When really most of it is planned, scheduled and played out like a script. Most of the time I am blagging it with the information I hold from past experiences/observing or reading how others deal with this as a parent.

Don’t judge me when you see me, I am scared because I don’t know what I am doing.

I am not good with emotions, they are messy and I don’t do messy.

I like order and structure, I like steps that have a sequence. When it is spontaneous and no order I am scared and my anxiety reaches new heights.

SO this is what I am currently trying to work my way through and yeah I can do a course and have some rules. But then things change, situation/environmental/age etc influence the shit I have to deal with. As we all know change is the enemy of an autistic person.

It is all very well having short stints of parenting courses to guild you but for an autistic person we need continuous support and sadly it is always because of the funds and people like to group everything in one category.

I always find it ironic that autistic people like logical order but that disability is so grey and complex it is unreal.

That is it that is one the many battles I undergo as an autistic parent and we haven’t even reached pubescent years…..oh what joy!

 

Cheers for reading X

 

Spectrum Sunday