Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 on the morning.
I am so tearful because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.
I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time. For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.
I feel a bit suffocated as well being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven’t got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.
I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with this thoughts.
I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.
It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. As in real life I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.
So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don’t feel judged and it is a place where I can freely right without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.
Cheers for reading X
When I was a child I did this thing called masking, aka faking it and what this means is that I learnt the behaviour of others. The problem being is that if something changes that I can mess up badly because I can’t be flexible with my thinking. That is the one of the characteristics of autism is we manage change and see things black or white especially when it comes to learn.
I think it’s really hard being an autistic girl growing up because there is so much more pressure to be sociable then a boy. That all the boys got away with not getting noticed there for less social pressure. I used to absolutely hate being a girl because of this reason and I thought boys had it a lot easier or more relaxed attitude with regards to social and communication which suited me perfectly.
Now that I’m an adult I find it a bit more easier because I have more experience and knowledge but I still frequently mess up. If I am feeling anxious or if there is too much going on in my head can’t seem to focus on the rules. There are times when stressful factors cause me more brain power than normal and it is like I regress in my behaviour. That is why it’s so hard to measure autism, as it is not something that you can say x y and z it’s constantly shifting depending on the environment and mindset of that individual.
Since being a parent I have learnt that there are so many other social rules involved when bringing up a child.
I first it’s lovely when my children where new born as there is less pressure on me to be sociable but since my child has started school last year I noticed that there’s a hell of a lot more interaction going on.
Me being an autistic parent does affects my self esteem. A lot of the time I feel inadequate, especially as my husband is very good at communicating and engaging with others. It leaves me feeling really angry and frustrated. I know comparing is the worst thing to do but it coincides with me learning of other people.
I think one of the hardest and upsetting things is when people don’t see you as an individual but some sort of invalid because you’re autistic. They don’t look past the label or they do but then they just talk down to you in a condescending way. The thing is I am aware exactly what is happening, I just I don’t have the skills to communicate and express myself as clearly as other people do.
It has really made me feel quite low at times because I feel like I can’t give my child everything that a typical parent has to offer. I suppose that is why I enjoy the school holidays more because I don’t have to worry about the social things. The only downside is that when I return I have to deal with the social side of education and what not.I feel rubbish and I have felt very very low causing me to struggle to get up in the mornings. I have also learnt to avoid situations and tend to get my husband to do them tasks because it’s too upsetting at times to have to face the discrimination against me. I think that’s one of the saddest things about being an autistic parent is the fact that you deal with a lot of rejection or misunderstanding. I like my voice isn’t heard and again that familiar Outcast feeling appears.
Cheers for reading X
Today I feel defeated,
Now it is all poured out,
when will it stop,
I feel the pressure go,
as my wound unfolds.
My feet hurt today as a result of over using them yesterday. I know so what?! Here is the think why I am talking about my feet is the fact I am autistic you see and my feet posture is not very good. I have always had problems with standing and the way I coordinate my feet.
I am so clumsy as well when I walk, I am guaranteed to trip up even if there is nothing there. The amount of bashing my toes into stuff and cursing under my breathe is unreal. My husband affectionately finds it funny.
I also shuffle my feet, especially when I am stressed. I am constantly getting told stop shuffling your feet like I am some kind of child.
You don’t realise how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other. It can be really challenging. I never really thought about my physical problems when I was younger and now as an autistic adult I am still learning.
It is my arms I struggle with – not really knowing what to do with them when I walk, I find them painful and just frustrating. It is like I have to train my mind to swing my arms when I walk. It is so difficult as I am rubbish at doing two tasks at the same time.
One of the major problems that I struggle with as an autistic person is using my spacial awareness skills and navigating around objects and people. I am not good at forward planning especially in a busy place where I am over stimulated with the sensory information. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I need to sit down and take a moment to take a break because of how mentally exhausting it is.
If I don’t think about my walking and focus on it, I really struggle with bumping into things or trip up.
We as a human are meant to learn this skill at an early age and it to be developed. Therefore not having to think about it as it is a long term in implicit memory. It is wired in the brain so you don’t have to think about it, it is second nature. Being an autistic person we miss out on this opportunity and I do wonder before language evolved how many humans died due to lack of ‘natural’ skills due to having a different way of thinking.
So, therefore if you do wonder why do us autistic people get SO tired this is a little insight, because we have to constantly work our asses of and remembering all these ‘natural’ rules that people take for granted.
Cheers for reading X
I am autistic and often I feel overwhelmed by all the information that I am taking in, weather that be in the physical environment or online. So, I thought I would share with you tips that have helped me feel less overstimulated.
The hardest thing to do so is to step away from the situation but it is the best thing to do. This is because it cuts the information and stops everything from processing. Close the computer, step away from the notes or environment and give yourself that time to calm down/switch off from what is triggering a heighted sense of overload. I found when I have made an immediate cut off I feel I can think clearer rather than just being in the situation where all I can thing about is that one thing. It gives me change to breathe and think what my next move is.
Writing down what exactly I want to do with all the information that is spinning around in my head. Writing down has helped make me feel more space to think straight about exactly what I am doing next. Hence why I always carry a notepad, so I can write all that stuff down that is important to me. Doing this also gives me a sense of control so I don’t get scared of missing out on any vital information at a later date.
Often when I am feeling overwhelmed at home it means that I have more than one task to complete. Typically, I am trying to multitask, which is a bad move as I am more likely to make mistakes. Therefore I do a to-do list of all the things I need to get done and then number them in priority. If I don’t finish the list I can leave it for a different time. Sometimes, you have to accept that you are not super human and there is only so much time that you have to do stuff especially being a parent. If it is not something that desperately needs to be done then it can wait. I have done this and found that the work I do at a later date is much better quality. This is because I can focus more on the task rather than at an earlier time when I am stressed out and unable to contrite on that one task, win-win!
I am a big believer in using breathing techniques (it did take me a long time to learn the importance of this) but using all your power on focusing on the art of breathing has really helped over the past couple of months. It helps relax my body and mind, allowing me to feel a reduction in feeling overwhelmed/anxious giving me the break to think.
With regards to my blogging I can get obsessed with linking up posts or saying yes to reviews, even though I am half-hearted about them. It is one of the most challenging things to do as a blogger is to say no, especially if like myself I struggle with social anxiety. Therefore, causing me to worry about the outcome. However, you have to look after yourself and can’t please everyone, you need to do what works for you. It is good to have a break or stop and think what makes you happy.
I hope this has helped anyone feeling overwhelmed, is there anything that has helped you get through feeling overwhelmed?
Cheers for reading X
Different and isolated,
All I hear is noise,
I want to drown it out,
But you got to see it through.
The people of Wayfair went on the hunt to find out what home is for people. This is what Wayfair did:
We hit the streets of London over the Easter weekend equipped with an armchair and a microphone to find out what home really means to us! The findings were both insightful and heartwarming, exposing that our homes are much more than just buildings or places, they are family, comfort, inspiration, happiness and much more. Not only that, but we spoke to a further 400 recipients across the UK & found that over 71% of people coined the sofa as the most important item of furniture in their home, placing the importance on socializing and making use of communal spaces (or being couch potatoes if you look at it another way!)
Wayfair are doing a campaign on ‘What is Home?’ and for me personally home is not necessarily the physical things but the meaning associated with home. It is safety where when I close the front door I can come into my home and feel less judged.
You see I am autistic and I struggle going out in the outside world, so knowing I have a place where I can relax and not have to put on a mask is comforting. It makes me feel less anxious especially after a hard day, I can come home to my family and just be me without the fear of being judged.
Home is a place where I don’t have to be agitated or on guard, I can kick back on the sofa and just be. Enjoying the calm moments of reading a book with a blanket whilst my two boys are playing next door together with their Lego.
It feels like home because I am a mum and I provide all the needs for my children where they can fun but also develop as children. Where they will hold the memories for years of all the happy times of their childhood.
It is times when we lounge on a Sunday as a family scrawled out whilst watching Big Heads and rooting for King Henry VIII over Donald Trump.
Home is where we get excited about the small things we can do together as a family like watching a sunset or have Sunday dinner and discussing why mummy is called poopoo, while the boys are in hysterics over the hilariousness of it all.
What does home mean to you? What ideas stir up when you think of home?
Cheers for reading X