Today I slept for so long, it was what I body so needed, time to rest my brain and body. I feel like I need to have a break every now again and shut down to help me compensate for all the pain and work that I put it through.
I think during half term school holiday I am working harder to socialise and be with others for longer periods of time. Don’t get me wrong I adore my children but being autistic it is challenging to spend so long with individuals.
I feel us autistic folk need time to hibernate and re-charge our batteries more than neurotypical people. I think one of the reasons is because I am working that harder to apply social skills that may not necessarily come naturally to me.
Then there is the emotional side where I beat myself up over my shortfalls to ridiculous amount. One of the reasons because you can’t help but compare yourself to other random people, even though you don’t know through social media.
I always view my autism as a battle, something I have to get up and deal with every single day. On top of that I have to deal with the internal battle of low self-esteem and dealing myself as a parent.
Most of the time I feel like I am blagging a this whole parenting thing and I put so much energy in to trying to function like everyone else that I burn myself out, hence the breaks and shutdown.
So, that is one of the many struggles I have as an autistic parent, it is never easy but I am thankful for my blog. It is true what they say that writing things down may not cure my situation but it is a place to clear my mind of the many thoughts that are buzzing around in my head.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes these feels can come and flow for hours without stopping. I feel I am stuck this way but something out of the blue happens and it vanishes, just like that. It feels like it just melts away and some other sensation takes over the reins leading m to feel a certain way. I know these may be an excuse but it feels like an unconscious invasion when really let’s face facts it is all my own doing, I have no one to blame but me and my responses to situations. The emotions are so erratic at times I worry.
Sometimes I want to hide away like a coconut far far away cocoon safely in my ball closed tightly for no one to enter.
I suppose the downside of wanting to be in a coconut is the size of me being the size of a hippo.
OK, jokes aside, I think I would miss the freedom of life that so so colourful. as much as it is very stimulating for me and potentially the risk of wanting to close down. i would miss the spontaneous of the simple pleasures that makes me smile.
I am a firm believer that there is beauty everywhere, even in this hectic world that we live in.
sometimes it is good to keep things simple and have that opportunity to hide away in my little box where I don’t get overexposed to the stimulis that make my mind spin.
In one sense I am lucky to be free to have the choice to chose ti accept the challenge of what life has dumped upon me.
Sometimes I feel that I can feel like I am walking around with head fog not knowing where to go and temporarily lose the ability to read anything. Which means I am in a situations at times when I am at risk because I don’t have the skills to make safe decisions.
That being said I normally can spot most of the time triggers and can deal pre-meltdown/shutdown. I suppose that one blessing is that the older you get with autism you learn more about you and how the disability effects you as an individual with the condition. Although, I still am learning to this day and don’t think I will ever stop. Life is full of surprises and you just never know what will help or how you will react.
Cheers for reading X
I don’t mean to be rude,
but I am in no mood,
I can’t even stand my food.
All I feel is saliva when chewed,
so this might mean I am screwed,
with these feelings construed,
deep inside of my mind,
they have decided to lay naked,
and stay there deep rooted,
until i am numb and dead.
Below is a picture of myself taken today.
You could say I just look a normal everyday person minus her eyes being shut. You don’t think oh my God she looks like she has depression because you know what I do.
People always assume that if you are smiley or cheery then somehow you can not possibly experience depression. Well news flash you can and furthermore it can strike at any age, background or social mobility status, because depression doesn’t pick who it wants to cause this nightmare mess inside your brain.
Anyone can experience it, at any time in their life. It can last weeks or years and definitely something that you can not physically measure, much to the disapproval of the government.
My point being is that some days I laugh, I cry, I hate and dread and all the other messy emotions that life has to bring. But also I have this mental battle, some days are OK and I manage. Other periods are short spells and then if there is too much stress in my life then can be several months where the black dog doesn’t sod off. He creeps around like a stalker catching me every time I am venerable or exposed to stresses in life. It sucks and there is nothing I can do but plot on. For me it is a chemical inbalance mixed with stress and managing with my autism. It sucks and yes I smile but please be aware that I can mask like the rest of them.
We need to stop presuming that depression only affects certain people and that it is more grey then black with how it is presenting to the outside world. So just be mindful that there maybe someone smiling but deep down they are internally dying and hating everything that their life is.
Cheers for reading X
I feel powerless,
I feel I am losing,
At this thing called life,
There is no direction,
But full loft uncertainties.
I don’t know which direction to gp,
Can I go into hiding instead,
It’s to hard to play,
Being an adult is a mission
Sometimes I don’t feel equipped,
I wish I could just stop
And charge up.
Want to know a fun way to kill time when your bored shitless, then look no further then the Pooh Personality Quiz. Yes, I am sad but when your stuck looking at the four walls and a bit bored you will do anything for a laff!
So, my results are through…. DRUM ROLL: I am apparently PIGLET!!!
Now, I have read all the Winnie The Pooh books and I guessed that I would be Eeyore because I swing more to the personality type. But when reading Piglets description on his personality I nodded in agreement.
I am overly sensitive and take things too much to heart. I find it hard to stop thinking about certain things that are on my mind. I know this is an autistic trait with the obsessiveness and one track mind. However, it still fits me to a T.
I am a very nervous person, I have autism and social anxiety disorder so tend to worry a lot about things and people’s perception of me.
I definitely struggle to go to new places. I have ideas of going to somewhere new or going to somewhere that I am not very familiar in getting to.However, I tend to take weeks for me to pluck the courage to go. It may take me several attempts to go somewhere and can take weeks to plan it in my head, I am procrastinator in that sense. So, as you can image I am not that good in doing something new because of fear and just generally anxiety.
However, I am very loving in my own way and view myself as conscientious. If you ask something of me then 90% of the time I do it straight away. Maybe because I am inpatient and find it hard to stop thinking about the thing I need to do Maybe, because I am desperately seeking approval and worry what other people’s perception of me.
So, yeah I would say Piglet is a pretty good description of me and my personality after all.
Take the Pooh Personality Quiz!
Cheers for reading X