Those that make the loudest noise get heard. I know this totally the opposite of a similar saying and agree that you don’t always have to make the biggest noise. However, in some situations, you need to speak out and make that bloody noise to be noticed. This is a lesson that has taken me years to work out. I used to be reserved, even on my blog I worry about what to write and scared that if I am too honest people won’t like it.
I suffer from mental health conditions (OCD, anxiety, depression, social anxiety) and some of the thoughts that I have scared people. Living with mental illness is a very dark place to be and them thoughts that are taboo, I have to live with every single day. The kind of thoughts I have is thinking about not being here, the world be better off without me, I can’t cope anymore I just want to die. I dread getting up and having to get through another day. This is real life for me, it’s not pretty, it’s tough and I don’t chose to feel this crap if I could wave a magic wand I would be there like a shoot. I want to be More open and raw on my blog because that is what I like to read from others. I am not looking for solutions or sympathy, it is just my little place to express myself. Sometimes, just writing it down can be so cathartic and really beneficial, instead of bottling it in.
I need to stop feeling so ashamed or worry I talk about anxiety or depression a lot. because you know what it is there in my life a lot. It is part of me so naturally is one my biggest influences on the content I make. One major thing I worry about is being open about my mental health on my blog and then maybe at a later date not getting a job because of it.
I think this conservative sort of keeping quiet and carry on mentality stems from childhood and the way I was brought. My earlier years I was brought a Roman Catholic which is pretty hardcore.
So, I am slowly changing my thought processes and the way I communicate. It may not be to everyone’s cup of tea but someone may stumble across it appreciate that they do have similar feelings they are not alone. Mental health is very isolating and gets bad press because you know I have come across people that think I am being a drama queen, but accepting that is OK. The more we talk about mental illness the better chance of breaking down the stigma. I believe that mental health should be treated equally the same as physical health.
Cheers for reading X
My word of the week is:
because I received the letter from the DWP for a reconsideration answer for a request to look at my application again for disability benefit.
The answer was no and scored zero again. I even included a letter of support from my old CPN but it appears that they have sent out the letter two days before receiving my letter, I just don’t know I bother.
It is headache that I don’t really need and it’s making me feel crap. This is how it is now we have to fight for an appeal. my anxiety goes through the roof and I just don’t feel good knowing that I have to wait for the whole appeal process to happen which could take months.
This seems to be making my mental health worse, it just makes me so angry as I have worked so hard over the past couple of years to make small but big improvements.
I suppose I have to remind myself I am not alone and other people also have to fight. I just feel angry at the system which is meant to help the I’ll and disabled. but they have just let most of us down big time.
Cheers for reading X
Today has been hard. Well not the whole day but in the morning where for the first time I took my eldest swimming. My husband and youngest were also there. I struggle with social anxiety, autism and a fear of drains.
The first half was ok as it was just me and my eldest. The swimming pool swimming features weren’t switched on so, therefore, a lot, lot quieter, phew! My hubby was with my youngest in a different area as my youngest was having a swimming lesson.
However, the moment when the features got turned on and the crowds appear I am shaking. Then the youngest and husband come into the pool. If that isn’t hard enough my eldest has a friend who I didn’t expect to be there so that is another stress.
Before too long I was struggling, had a panic and all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole.
I didn’t manage the whole time arranged as I just couldn’t cope. The husband recognised that it was too much so suggested leaving early. Now I have the rotten mother guilt to boot.
I feel rubbish, and I am literally shattered. It does not help that I spend most of yesterday feeling really anxious. All adds up – my mind and body are aching. Luckily hubby looks after the children when I sleep for a couple of hours. When lying down and sleep I just felt all the physical pain.
I hate anxiety!
Cheers for reading X
I an meant to be
More accepted in society.
I don’t though,
I feel more retarded
So much so that
I wonder if
It is better
If I am gone.
Today has been tough, as I write this it is the evening of Christmas Day, my son has had a three hour meltdown, including an unexpected visitor at the door causing further distress.
Both me and my eldest have autism and are greatly affected by change and over stimulated environments. As lovely as Christmas can be to celebrate a time when families get together, it can be very difficult for an autistic person because it is out of sync to their routine. Not to mention the stress of new stimuli in the environment even though I and my son enjoy presents it can still contribute to anxiety.
The whole idea of a day where it is completely different from normal, unpredictable and long can take its toll. This normally exhibits itself in a meltdown due to struggling with how to deal with emotions.
The bright lights, the busy chaoticness of the day, the length of time together are all influences that can trigger an autistic person. It is hard even as an adult after experiencing Christmas several times in my lifetime I still struggle. I think the not really knowing what I am meant to do is tough.
This year I seem to feel more sad because I witness the autistic behaviour in my eldest more. I can feel his pain and I know this is so illogical and silly but truth be told part of me hates myself for being the risker of passing down the genes on to my son. No one really likes to see their child in pain, you want them to be happy and thrive. I don’t care if I get slated by the autistic community if I could take that pain from my son away I would in an instinct. Yes there are some super qualities but I would choose happiness over stress any day of the week. I want the best for my son, I don’t want him struggling, however the autism will always be a barrier and it is something we will have to manage. That doesn’t stop me from being sad. I love my son unconditionally with autism but if I could I would get rid of it. He is struggling in a neurotypical world, I can see pain now and that it is the hardest bit, seeing my poor boy struggle, I just want to protect him and see him happy. That is all.
Cheers for reading X