Lost

Hey readers,

Today I feel a bit lonely, though not in the sense where I want to mingle with people. More isolating, knowing that I am different and that sense of not being ‘good enough’. Often I can ignore or distract myself from focusing on negativity. But today is a struggle. I just feel like I can not function like the rest of society. I feel my inadequacies…. they feel so loud in my head, they might not be real but they feel real to me and today it hurts.

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I have always battled with being autisitic…it is tough going, after a tough long week of challenges with a little fight left it can defeat you. I think one of my problems so I am not often relaxed in situations such as having to go to the school assembly, this is where I feel most insecure. I don’t feel right and I feel like everyone is watching me. I know I  am probably being narcissistic and changes are no one is, no one cares, hey even some may feel similar.

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At the time it feels scary, and because my anxiety is on that super alert it is hard to come down without the good old meltdown. Yes to that question I did have an epic meltdown, it is all I could do. Then I took my laptop and wrote my thoughts. No real answers, it is merely a record of how I am feeling.

I feel not amazing but cathartic, now I am going off for a tea, cause let’s face it, tea doesn’t cure feeling crap but sure makes the painless hard to bear.

Cheers for reading X

Fashionable and practical medical ID bracelet

Hey readers,

As some readers will know I have Asperger Syndrome and with that condition comes a lot of communicational difficulties – verbal and non-verbal!

One thing that has been problematic is when I have a meltdown or really struggle in an emergency because of the unexpectedness and just generally not knowing what to say or do.

I am lucky that my husband is the total opposite of me and really good at communicating, one of the reasons he is my carer.

That is why I am grateful when Butler and Grace asked me to review there fashionable medical ID bracelet

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The whole idea of Butler & Grace is to provide a range of fashion jewellery but will the purpose of having conditions and contact details to help get the right communication information across when in an emergency.

This will be so handy as I literally freeze under pressure and just can’t get out of the anxiety bubble to get the information across, so this medical jewellery is such a good way to resolve that issue.

Tanya Butler is the founder of the company as she has a son on the autistic spectrum and she understood that attractive jewellery but with the right information is something that is missing in the market of ID jewellery. Before ID jewellery was It was a big and chunky and not very fun with the designs.

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There are many different choices of styles and you can get personalised with whatever you want, any condition. It does not necessarily have to be a physical thing, hence the autism aspect so it’s very flexible with mental as well.

I love silver and teal combined so you cannot believe how happy I was to find the piece that suited my preference in design. It is made to the size of your wrist and there is a drawstring so making it flexible with the size and comfort of how tight you like it on your wrist.

It is also fashionable because if you are wearing it every day you want something that looks pleasant on the eye. The bracelet is handmade and using polymer clay with geometric beads. You can find more details about the bracelet here.

Very easy to order on the website and choosing the selection. No problems with the delivery and great communication. Definitely, recommend if you need an ID jewellery but something bit fun as well.

Cheers for reading X

I have been gifted a bracelet, however, ever all opinions expressed are entirely my own.

 

Regression in adult autism

Hey readers,

Now that I am an adult with autism I have learnt so much more about me and autism. One of the things that I have noticed is that at times of my life I have regressed.

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Now, when I am talking about regression and autism this is not when a child is 19 months but actually the accuracy of regression during any time of a person’s life. I myself feel that I have regressed several periods of my life. The same can be said about when I progress.

I believe that with autism as a disorder on a spectrum it is fluid and constantly shifting with the times. Hence why it is hard to fill out forms when asked for what my life is like with autism on a day to day basis. Let’s face if you know someone with autism it changes depending on what is happening in that person’s life.

An example of my regression going through changes whilst at the university from year one to year two caused me great distress. I had less support, less communication with lecturers and that caused great stress. I struggled with interpreting instructions especially when they were assignments when I had to be creative and think outside the box. One assignment involved in coming up with an adult that hasn’t been thought of before. Now, this is hard because this was a mandatory module whereby I had to do the subject even though I wasn’t that interested in.

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If you don’t know already I am a black and white thinker. When I do something that motivates me I get full on obsessive or in contrast demotivated and not bothered at all. The changes and dealing with university life causes me at the end of the year to result in me wanting to kill myself basically. I fell into clinical depression, my partner had to supervise me because I could not do anything by myself as I was that depressed.

Other times I have smaller regressions, if I do not go into town for a while I literally get sensory overload, All the scripts I have performed and rehearsed I forget. All the social rules have got muddled up and I really struggle. Dare I say it I feel more autistic on these days. It is like I have to keep on top and be aware most of the time or I fall backwards. It is exhausting and at times I have just stayed at home for days and not go out, feeding more on my regression.

Other times I can move forward and progress if I keep working at it. The one blocker that stops me is burnout when I am so exhausted from trying and working at it for long periods of time that I simply need to stop and shut down. My brain has had enough of all this information, it want’s a breather and time to just be.

I have only recently learnt that one of the reasons I get so exhausted if I am in a social environment is because I am on hyperfocus, my brain is on alert all the time, anxiety high and I am just not relaxed. Naturally, my body is just going to say stop and need a break to relax.

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So, as you can see regression can be short or long term but autism is constantly shifting between progress and regress.

Cheers for reading X

The struggle is within

Hey readers,

I don’t often discuss my parenting issues in relation to my autism, mainly because I am embarrassed and quite frankly ashamed.

I am going to be straight up and honest and say that I struggle with this parenting thing. Let’s be more specific as I am aware that actually, I am good at some bits. Depression would argue but that it is the truth. However, the one area I do struggle with is mainly with my 4 years old and trying to entertain him for long periods. I feel guilty if I can’t entertain him but stuck in a dilemma where I can’t concentrate on people for long periods of time, it totally exhausted me. I am also an introvert so therefore need time alone to energise me, I find interacting exhausting as a lot of the time I am thinking beforehand about how to communicate. The times when I am not thinking are when I am being impulsive due to anxiety therefore not censoring and not always saying the right. Not really rude, just random and repetitive. Kinda overlaps with ADHD/OCD traits I have learnt. I don’t have ADHD but with Aspergers there many overlapping traits from other conditions that are apparent. I digress (a major trait of mine right there).

I find it hard to entertain as there are many thought processes that occur and that is tiring. 9 times out of 10 after ten minutes of play I am exhausted mentally. I need to do nothing and shut down as I have used all my energy up focusing on that one action that takes many different social rules.

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I think one area that is really tough for like me as an autistic living in a technological world (though most of the time it is the dream) I do get sucked into the whole idea of perfect parenting with this idea that you have to entertain your children all the time.

I am one of the few or many not many other autistic people have spoken out in actually I do care what people think and I am very aware of me. I am not dissing autistic people that don’t give a dame, in actual fact, I admire you and wish I was bloody like that, hell it would so liberating. But I have not reached that acceptance of me.

I wish I could just be laid back, but it seems I am a worrier and feel that because I am an autistic parent I need to make up for my inadequacies.

Cheers for reading X

 

Maybe

Hey readers,

I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism (though to me it is not mild and it is present every day in my life).

Though there are so many areas to discuss autism today I am going focus on one thing that affects me and causes great distress at the moment. That is the word ‘maybe’, which by the way I hate it and I hate it in relation to a response to a question. It is covered in grey and makes me stressed, especially when it is a response to a question which I want a definite answer (which 90% of the time).

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You see as an autistic person I like control, I like to know what is happening. I love routine it comforts me. Sometimes I admit I get too rigid that I get struck and obsessive making my health deteriorate. One of the reasons is because I like black and white, I don’t like the murky waters of the unknown. I never have, I feel it is innate and my body responds instantly. I can remember as a young child-hating change and uncertainty. I had carers who seemed unpredictable which is not great if you have an autistic mind like myself you get very confused as to what is happening.  I was on edge not knowing how someone would respond. I had night terrors because of the fear. That is just one example.

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Maybe I will, maybe I won’t? but why can’t I have a yes or a no? Often, I didn’t care either way, I was more focused on the answer to be certain. I don’t like guessing games, I like certainty.

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I don’t know really what is the point to the point of this post, I just wanted to get it off my chest because right now I am dealing with maybe which quite frankly is most infuriating.

cheers for reading X

Break

Hey readers,

my word of the week is:

because it is the last week of term and I am knackered. I always am but have to say I am a wingy cow, haha!

My eldest did me proud, we have always struggled with homework. He protests every time he hates homework. I encouraged him to do a bit and remind him that once it is done that he then has the rest of the night to play.

Well, he did his homework and then decided he wanted to do all of it. I told him he could do it tomorrow but he was having none of it and wanted to complete it there and then.

Another big achievement for him is he made up all the sentences by himself with no prompt. Now, this may seem like nothing but this child struggles with abstract and thinking ideas without prompts. So, when he did do sentences I was pretty proud of him as I know this is a big challenge for him.

hope you have lovely Easter.

Cheers for reading X

End

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

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because this week my son had the beaver toy to look after all week. Whhich was fun until we had to return him. My eldest doesn’t like to return beaver. so, took a lot of persuasion and discussion about if he did have beaver all the time he would be bored. At least when he gets him again in the future he can be excited because it is different and fun.

I also went to a school meeting at school about ds1. He seems to be doing ok, we need to work on him learning that he can’t win everything. He is not good at losing and gets very angry over it. So, we shall see how that turns out. It is something that is going to take time, like everything else.

Hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X