I’m stood like a fool,
the outcast that I am,
no one knows
the mask I hold.
forever trying to be
something I am not.
I never will reach,
I am just not good,
I wish was
then maybe life
would be much better.
instead I am stuck,
with my brain fu*ked.
My word of the week is:
First of to kick start the summer hols on day son decides to run in the kitchen with the tablet and accidently drop it on the floor. Restyling in leaving a wonderful massive crack on the tablet, excellent stuff.
We decided to try out the camping for one night this week and sadly I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t cope with the whole situation due to my autism. SO now I feel pretty crappy about myself about the whole situation that I am not good parent again because I cannot do what normal people do. I had a meltdown because of all the stresses and I worry that my husband thinks I’m a right diva but I’m not I just can’t cope with the situation. I am useless with change and dealing with new environments especially when it involves waiting around. It just a big massive trigger for me.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes I lie in my bed at four in the morning and I am just staring at the ceiling and my tummy is filled with dread. My thoughts are filled with fear and I wonder how I am going to get through another day as a parent.
I don’t feel confident at all and I am always questioning everything. Sometimes, I get annoyed with my husband, how he could allow me to be a parent when I am totally useless. I am always tired and things seem to take a long time to master. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again.
I am now sitting in my son’s assembly hall waiting and feeling yet again that familiar feeling of being a true outcast or black sheep. This feeling is not new to me, it comes frequently where I feel like I am an outsider looking through the glass where I just can’t reach through. It feels so close yet so far away.
There are other times when I get jealous of my husband, he can just get things and communicate really well. I am sitting back permanently struggling and my tummy is in knots with anxiety. He does try to understand my neurosis bless him but he is the complete opposite of me. I watch on as he mingles and just gets these social rules that I seem to get muddled and fail all the time. I just get things, or I am just anxious state of a person. That is one good thing about summer holidays even though I am dealing with the change but not having to think. I over analysis I know but at least it gives me a break where I don’t have to feel completely sh*t again. I know I will never be one of them, good parents that I so desperately want to be, I mess up it is a natural talent of mine. I just get so fed up with it all and after takes its time. It hurts deep and it so damn frustrating. It is a minefield and just getting through the day is a challenge in its self. The thoughts that trigger me are so strong, they keep me awake and let me everytime my downfalls. I just need to a breather, time away and not to think that would be totally blissful.
I remember when I was pregnant dreaming of being this type of parent that would swim into motherhood like flies to poo. Sadly, it hasn’t happened, to delusion, I am nothing that I expected. I thought I would be good at communicating because I was living this role as a mother that it would all somehow come to place. That I would have this maternal instinct. The only thing that I am good at it appears to be is hanging up the washing and creating random fun stories for my boy. It is not much, I am never good at small talk but I take it now and I got to learn to accept the situation for what it is.
Cheers for reading my ramblings X
Today I feel a bit lonely, though not in the sense where I want to mingle with people. More isolating, knowing that I am different and that sense of not being ‘good enough’. Often I can ignore or distract myself from focusing on negativity. But today is a struggle. I just feel like I can not function like the rest of society. I feel my inadequacies…. they feel so loud in my head, they might not be real but they feel real to me and today it hurts.
I have always battled with being autisitic…it is tough going, after a tough long week of challenges with a little fight left it can defeat you. I think one of my problems so I am not often relaxed in situations such as having to go to the school assembly, this is where I feel most insecure. I don’t feel right and I feel like everyone is watching me. I know I am probably being narcissistic and changes are no one is, no one cares, hey even some may feel similar.
At the time it feels scary, and because my anxiety is on that super alert it is hard to come down without the good old meltdown. Yes to that question I did have an epic meltdown, it is all I could do. Then I took my laptop and wrote my thoughts. No real answers, it is merely a record of how I am feeling.
I feel not amazing but cathartic, now I am going off for a tea, cause let’s face it, tea doesn’t cure feeling crap but sure makes the painless hard to bear.
Cheers for reading X
As some readers will know I have Asperger Syndrome and with that condition comes a lot of communicational difficulties – verbal and non-verbal!
One thing that has been problematic is when I have a meltdown or really struggle in an emergency because of the unexpectedness and just generally not knowing what to say or do.
I am lucky that my husband is the total opposite of me and really good at communicating, one of the reasons he is my carer.
That is why I am grateful when Butler and Grace asked me to review there fashionable medical ID bracelet
The whole idea of Butler & Grace is to provide a range of fashion jewellery but will the purpose of having conditions and contact details to help get the right communication information across when in an emergency.
This will be so handy as I literally freeze under pressure and just can’t get out of the anxiety bubble to get the information across, so this medical jewellery is such a good way to resolve that issue.
Tanya Butler is the founder of the company as she has a son on the autistic spectrum and she understood that attractive jewellery but with the right information is something that is missing in the market of ID jewellery. Before ID jewellery was It was a big and chunky and not very fun with the designs.
There are many different choices of styles and you can get personalised with whatever you want, any condition. It does not necessarily have to be a physical thing, hence the autism aspect so it’s very flexible with mental as well.
I love silver and teal combined so you cannot believe how happy I was to find the piece that suited my preference in design. It is made to the size of your wrist and there is a drawstring so making it flexible with the size and comfort of how tight you like it on your wrist.
It is also fashionable because if you are wearing it every day you want something that looks pleasant on the eye. The bracelet is handmade and using polymer clay with geometric beads. You can find more details about the bracelet here.
Very easy to order on the website and choosing the selection. No problems with the delivery and great communication. Definitely, recommend if you need an ID jewellery but something bit fun as well.
Cheers for reading X
I have been gifted a bracelet, however, ever all opinions expressed are entirely my own.
Now that I am an adult with autism I have learnt so much more about me and autism. One of the things that I have noticed is that at times of my life I have regressed.
Now, when I am talking about regression and autism this is not when a child is 19 months but actually the accuracy of regression during any time of a person’s life. I myself feel that I have regressed several periods of my life. The same can be said about when I progress.
I believe that with autism as a disorder on a spectrum it is fluid and constantly shifting with the times. Hence why it is hard to fill out forms when asked for what my life is like with autism on a day to day basis. Let’s face if you know someone with autism it changes depending on what is happening in that person’s life.
An example of my regression going through changes whilst at the university from year one to year two caused me great distress. I had less support, less communication with lecturers and that caused great stress. I struggled with interpreting instructions especially when they were assignments when I had to be creative and think outside the box. One assignment involved in coming up with an adult that hasn’t been thought of before. Now, this is hard because this was a mandatory module whereby I had to do the subject even though I wasn’t that interested in.
If you don’t know already I am a black and white thinker. When I do something that motivates me I get full on obsessive or in contrast demotivated and not bothered at all. The changes and dealing with university life causes me at the end of the year to result in me wanting to kill myself basically. I fell into clinical depression, my partner had to supervise me because I could not do anything by myself as I was that depressed.
Other times I have smaller regressions, if I do not go into town for a while I literally get sensory overload, All the scripts I have performed and rehearsed I forget. All the social rules have got muddled up and I really struggle. Dare I say it I feel more autistic on these days. It is like I have to keep on top and be aware most of the time or I fall backwards. It is exhausting and at times I have just stayed at home for days and not go out, feeding more on my regression.
Other times I can move forward and progress if I keep working at it. The one blocker that stops me is burnout when I am so exhausted from trying and working at it for long periods of time that I simply need to stop and shut down. My brain has had enough of all this information, it want’s a breather and time to just be.
I have only recently learnt that one of the reasons I get so exhausted if I am in a social environment is because I am on hyperfocus, my brain is on alert all the time, anxiety high and I am just not relaxed. Naturally, my body is just going to say stop and need a break to relax.
So, as you can see regression can be short or long term but autism is constantly shifting between progress and regress.
Cheers for reading X