Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.
This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.
Then my brain reminds me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.
The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being stuck in a situation that I have no control over.
Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.
But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.
Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.
You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.
Cheers for reading X
Today I slept for so long, it was what I body so needed, time to rest my brain and body. I feel like I need to have a break every now again and shut down to help me compensate for all the pain and work that I put it through.
I think during half term school holiday I am working harder to socialise and be with others for longer periods of time. Don’t get me wrong I adore my children but being autistic it is challenging to spend so long with individuals.
I feel us autistic folk need time to hibernate and re-charge our batteries more than neurotypical people. I think one of the reasons is because I am working that harder to apply social skills that may not necessarily come naturally to me.
Then there is the emotional side where I beat myself up over my shortfalls to ridiculous amount. One of the reasons because you can’t help but compare yourself to other random people, even though you don’t know through social media.
I always view my autism as a battle, something I have to get up and deal with every single day. On top of that I have to deal with the internal battle of low self-esteem and dealing myself as a parent.
Most of the time I feel like I am blagging a this whole parenting thing and I put so much energy in to trying to function like everyone else that I burn myself out, hence the breaks and shutdown.
So, that is one of the many struggles I have as an autistic parent, it is never easy but I am thankful for my blog. It is true what they say that writing things down may not cure my situation but it is a place to clear my mind of the many thoughts that are buzzing around in my head.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes these feels can come and flow for hours without stopping. I feel I am stuck this way but something out of the blue happens and it vanishes, just like that. It feels like it just melts away and some other sensation takes over the reins leading m to feel a certain way. I know these may be an excuse but it feels like an unconscious invasion when really let’s face facts it is all my own doing, I have no one to blame but me and my responses to situations. The emotions are so erratic at times I worry.
Sometimes I want to hide away like a coconut far far away cocoon safely in my ball closed tightly for no one to enter.
I suppose the downside of wanting to be in a coconut is the size of me being the size of a hippo.
OK, jokes aside, I think I would miss the freedom of life that so so colourful. as much as it is very stimulating for me and potentially the risk of wanting to close down. i would miss the spontaneous of the simple pleasures that makes me smile.
I am a firm believer that there is beauty everywhere, even in this hectic world that we live in.
sometimes it is good to keep things simple and have that opportunity to hide away in my little box where I don’t get overexposed to the stimulis that make my mind spin.
In one sense I am lucky to be free to have the choice to chose ti accept the challenge of what life has dumped upon me.
Sometimes I feel that I can feel like I am walking around with head fog not knowing where to go and temporarily lose the ability to read anything. Which means I am in a situations at times when I am at risk because I don’t have the skills to make safe decisions.
That being said I normally can spot most of the time triggers and can deal pre-meltdown/shutdown. I suppose that one blessing is that the older you get with autism you learn more about you and how the disability effects you as an individual with the condition. Although, I still am learning to this day and don’t think I will ever stop. Life is full of surprises and you just never know what will help or how you will react.
Cheers for reading X
I feel powerless,
I feel I am losing,
At this thing called life,
There is no direction,
But full loft uncertainties.
I don’t know which direction to gp,
Can I go into hiding instead,
It’s to hard to play,
Being an adult is a mission
Sometimes I don’t feel equipped,
I wish I could just stop
And charge up.
Want to know a fun way to kill time when your bored shitless, then look no further then the Pooh Personality Quiz. Yes, I am sad but when your stuck looking at the four walls and a bit bored you will do anything for a laff!
So, my results are through…. DRUM ROLL: I am apparently PIGLET!!!
Now, I have read all the Winnie The Pooh books and I guessed that I would be Eeyore because I swing more to the personality type. But when reading Piglets description on his personality I nodded in agreement.
I am overly sensitive and take things too much to heart. I find it hard to stop thinking about certain things that are on my mind. I know this is an autistic trait with the obsessiveness and one track mind. However, it still fits me to a T.
I am a very nervous person, I have autism and social anxiety disorder so tend to worry a lot about things and people’s perception of me.
I definitely struggle to go to new places. I have ideas of going to somewhere new or going to somewhere that I am not very familiar in getting to.However, I tend to take weeks for me to pluck the courage to go. It may take me several attempts to go somewhere and can take weeks to plan it in my head, I am procrastinator in that sense. So, as you can image I am not that good in doing something new because of fear and just generally anxiety.
However, I am very loving in my own way and view myself as conscientious. If you ask something of me then 90% of the time I do it straight away. Maybe because I am inpatient and find it hard to stop thinking about the thing I need to do Maybe, because I am desperately seeking approval and worry what other people’s perception of me.
So, yeah I would say Piglet is a pretty good description of me and my personality after all.
Take the Pooh Personality Quiz!
Cheers for reading X
I love my blog as it is place where I can track my thoughts and a way to express any worries I may have. Some things recently I would like to change to help make me life little easier.
Recently I have been struggling with tiredness. It normally occurs around the end of the week and think that it is just because that it is a knock on effect of all the week has on me. I get tired anyway because of how much energy it takes to deal with my autism difficulties. I think just being kind of and not so demanding on myself. Taking it slower is better for me and my health and that is what I want to achieve. I am a firm believer in taking small steps or else it can be risky to lose motivation if I push myself too hard.
I also want to try to be more experimental in the kitchen and try new recipes to help with getting more confident or at least giving hubby a break from the wonderful cooking he does. However, I do love trying new recipes, even if it is just once a week, it really does help with my confidence and esteem when I achieve good results.
Because of my tiredness and anxiety I dip in motivation to go out and about. I am hoping with my YouTube and the lighter days get more encouragement to go out. The thing is when I am out I feel good but my downfall is getting past the first step.
I know so cliché but someone with an anxiety condition it has to be to try not to worry so much. I panic about my parenting and how good I am. Sometimes, just accepting situation can reduce that great big weight of my shoulders.
Cheers for reading X