Did I ever tell you that I liked order, if you have previously read my blog then you will know I a lover of control.
I am not the spontaneous type, I like planning and knowing what to expect. Which is ironic as my husband is the complete opposite and yes there are heater arguments at times. No one wins, I just go to bed and say f*ck it! I have little energy. unless my autistic brain goes into overdrive when he will be greeted with a full-on meltdown. joy!
I sometimes see parents and I know we shouldn’t compare but I do believe that it is innate from our ancestors as a technique to help stay on top and survival. However in this day and age, it is now used overboard, yes that does includes me too.
I see people have days packed with things. Someone I know even when to a country park for 5 hours, me I couldn’t do it. My autistic brain gets tired with so many stimuli I am exhausted and mentally and physically after an hour or two. Hats of to parents who can but most mornings I can’t get my body to move as I am so tired. It doesn’t help that I am on medication that makes me very groggy.
I yet again feel rubbish about myself, yep it is a common theme where I batter myself with nasties because in my head I am not enough to be a parent.
I know this is ridiculousness but when you are in the moment and your anxiety is sky high your brain will trick you into believing it. It feels real and that takes up a hell of a lot of energy. I spend most of the time cursing and wishing I didn’t have autism.
I try to do crafts with the boy, I can barely reach the first instruction without me failing. I am rubbish at instructions and if they are not basic and when I say basic I mean it. It is something about reading and processing the information that gets muddles up in my messy mind. Guess what here we go again I beat myself up because I can’t do the simplest of things at times. My intentions are good but sometimes I just get fed up with myself that I wonder why do I bother because I love my son and what to do things for him.
So yeah it is another whingeing post but this is my life as an autistic parent (a parent with autism) and the struggles are very real. It may only be small but they soon stack up and it takes its toll on you. It can grind you down day in day out faced with challenges and how to overcome the challenges. So, you can understand why I get so worn out, it is hard work trying to navigate through a neurotypical world with autism. This is especially true for an adult with autism as people assume you have grown at of it when you reach adulthood. By the way yes that is a true story and real comments said to me.
Cheers for reading X