I am a slug

Hey readers,

I promised to write more positive posts but then I would not be true to myself. I don’t want to give the impression my life is all lovely and full of flowers when really it can be pretty crap being autistic and trying to cope.

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My brain is dead!

One of the things I seem to struggle is finding my mojo….whereever you are please come back soon, I miss the buzz of the get-up and go!

I feel meh….I know it is only a feeling and that too shall pass. But right now it is hard work to get up and go. I wish I had motivation but having quite an emotional week with downers and feeling well suicidal at one point. I kept thinking life would be much better if I wasn’t here, I f*ck up too much. Don’t worry it was a brief moment when I was right down low and I wanted me to take me. I am still here fighting. I am always fighting and you know what it is bloody tiring. I have to battle my thoughts and try to get on with it and during the summer holiday, it is more intense.

I am sure I will feel better soon, emotions are exhausting and you need time to heal. I sure do, I am exhausting, I just want to stop thinking for a bit. I am constantly planning and preparing because if I don’t then I stubble, badly. Communication, as I have said previously in posts, is something I struggle with, even if it is with people I know. I tend to have a catalog or format in my head on how to speak. Sometimes, I am too exhausted. You could call me anti-social – which would be true. However, space is a big thing for me, I am an introvert by heart and I have come to accept that. I need calm and quiet to move forward.

I suppose writing this out, it has helped clear my thoughts and made me realise that the one thing I need is rest. I need time to heal. It is important to me and it will help greatly.  I used to be embarrassed by the fact that social aspect of life makes me so tired and frequently need that rest. I think because of a lot of mental energy and that soon saps away especially if I am working harder as I don’t have the correct natural skills to do the communicating so many people so automatic and they don’t have to even think about.

Sometimes, we have to stop and have a break. It just feels that everywhere there is this notion that you have to be on the go 24-7 but that isn’t the case? I suppose that is why the slow movement has been come popular and a lot of people like myself are getting tired of this fast pace called life.

I think one of the hardest things for me as an autistic is to accept that some things will always be a struggle and that they do tire me. I need to learn to rest and not see myself as a failure because of this. I am sure people don’t look at people with a broken leg or whatever and view them as not thriving. I just have to work around my limitations and do what can do. At least I can say I have tried.

Cheers for reading X

 

Lost

Hey readers,

Today I feel a bit lonely, though not in the sense where I want to mingle with people. More isolating, knowing that I am different and that sense of not being ‘good enough’. Often I can ignore or distract myself from focusing on negativity. But today is a struggle. I just feel like I can not function like the rest of society. I feel my inadequacies…. they feel so loud in my head, they might not be real but they feel real to me and today it hurts.

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I have always battled with being autisitic…it is tough going, after a tough long week of challenges with a little fight left it can defeat you. I think one of my problems so I am not often relaxed in situations such as having to go to the school assembly, this is where I feel most insecure. I don’t feel right and I feel like everyone is watching me. I know I  am probably being narcissistic and changes are no one is, no one cares, hey even some may feel similar.

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At the time it feels scary, and because my anxiety is on that super alert it is hard to come down without the good old meltdown. Yes to that question I did have an epic meltdown, it is all I could do. Then I took my laptop and wrote my thoughts. No real answers, it is merely a record of how I am feeling.

I feel not amazing but cathartic, now I am going off for a tea, cause let’s face it, tea doesn’t cure feeling crap but sure makes the painless hard to bear.

Cheers for reading X

Fashionable and practical medical ID bracelet

Hey readers,

As some readers will know I have Asperger Syndrome and with that condition comes a lot of communicational difficulties – verbal and non-verbal!

One thing that has been problematic is when I have a meltdown or really struggle in an emergency because of the unexpectedness and just generally not knowing what to say or do.

I am lucky that my husband is the total opposite of me and really good at communicating, one of the reasons he is my carer.

That is why I am grateful when Butler and Grace asked me to review there fashionable medical ID bracelet

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The whole idea of Butler & Grace is to provide a range of fashion jewellery but will the purpose of having conditions and contact details to help get the right communication information across when in an emergency.

This will be so handy as I literally freeze under pressure and just can’t get out of the anxiety bubble to get the information across, so this medical jewellery is such a good way to resolve that issue.

Tanya Butler is the founder of the company as she has a son on the autistic spectrum and she understood that attractive jewellery but with the right information is something that is missing in the market of ID jewellery. Before ID jewellery was It was a big and chunky and not very fun with the designs.

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There are many different choices of styles and you can get personalised with whatever you want, any condition. It does not necessarily have to be a physical thing, hence the autism aspect so it’s very flexible with mental as well.

I love silver and teal combined so you cannot believe how happy I was to find the piece that suited my preference in design. It is made to the size of your wrist and there is a drawstring so making it flexible with the size and comfort of how tight you like it on your wrist.

It is also fashionable because if you are wearing it every day you want something that looks pleasant on the eye. The bracelet is handmade and using polymer clay with geometric beads. You can find more details about the bracelet here.

Very easy to order on the website and choosing the selection. No problems with the delivery and great communication. Definitely, recommend if you need an ID jewellery but something bit fun as well.

Cheers for reading X

I have been gifted a bracelet, however, ever all opinions expressed are entirely my own.

 

The struggle is within

Hey readers,

I don’t often discuss my parenting issues in relation to my autism, mainly because I am embarrassed and quite frankly ashamed.

I am going to be straight up and honest and say that I struggle with this parenting thing. Let’s be more specific as I am aware that actually, I am good at some bits. Depression would argue but that it is the truth. However, the one area I do struggle with is mainly with my 4 years old and trying to entertain him for long periods. I feel guilty if I can’t entertain him but stuck in a dilemma where I can’t concentrate on people for long periods of time, it totally exhausted me. I am also an introvert so therefore need time alone to energise me, I find interacting exhausting as a lot of the time I am thinking beforehand about how to communicate. The times when I am not thinking are when I am being impulsive due to anxiety therefore not censoring and not always saying the right. Not really rude, just random and repetitive. Kinda overlaps with ADHD/OCD traits I have learnt. I don’t have ADHD but with Aspergers there many overlapping traits from other conditions that are apparent. I digress (a major trait of mine right there).

I find it hard to entertain as there are many thought processes that occur and that is tiring. 9 times out of 10 after ten minutes of play I am exhausted mentally. I need to do nothing and shut down as I have used all my energy up focusing on that one action that takes many different social rules.

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I think one area that is really tough for like me as an autistic living in a technological world (though most of the time it is the dream) I do get sucked into the whole idea of perfect parenting with this idea that you have to entertain your children all the time.

I am one of the few or many not many other autistic people have spoken out in actually I do care what people think and I am very aware of me. I am not dissing autistic people that don’t give a dame, in actual fact, I admire you and wish I was bloody like that, hell it would so liberating. But I have not reached that acceptance of me.

I wish I could just be laid back, but it seems I am a worrier and feel that because I am an autistic parent I need to make up for my inadequacies.

Cheers for reading X

 

Maybe

Hey readers,

I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism (though to me it is not mild and it is present every day in my life).

Though there are so many areas to discuss autism today I am going focus on one thing that affects me and causes great distress at the moment. That is the word ‘maybe’, which by the way I hate it and I hate it in relation to a response to a question. It is covered in grey and makes me stressed, especially when it is a response to a question which I want a definite answer (which 90% of the time).

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You see as an autistic person I like control, I like to know what is happening. I love routine it comforts me. Sometimes I admit I get too rigid that I get struck and obsessive making my health deteriorate. One of the reasons is because I like black and white, I don’t like the murky waters of the unknown. I never have, I feel it is innate and my body responds instantly. I can remember as a young child-hating change and uncertainty. I had carers who seemed unpredictable which is not great if you have an autistic mind like myself you get very confused as to what is happening.  I was on edge not knowing how someone would respond. I had night terrors because of the fear. That is just one example.

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Maybe I will, maybe I won’t? but why can’t I have a yes or a no? Often, I didn’t care either way, I was more focused on the answer to be certain. I don’t like guessing games, I like certainty.

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I don’t know really what is the point to the point of this post, I just wanted to get it off my chest because right now I am dealing with maybe which quite frankly is most infuriating.

cheers for reading X

Break

Hey readers,

my word of the week is:

because it is the last week of term and I am knackered. I always am but have to say I am a wingy cow, haha!

My eldest did me proud, we have always struggled with homework. He protests every time he hates homework. I encouraged him to do a bit and remind him that once it is done that he then has the rest of the night to play.

Well, he did his homework and then decided he wanted to do all of it. I told him he could do it tomorrow but he was having none of it and wanted to complete it there and then.

Another big achievement for him is he made up all the sentences by himself with no prompt. Now, this may seem like nothing but this child struggles with abstract and thinking ideas without prompts. So, when he did do sentences I was pretty proud of him as I know this is a big challenge for him.

hope you have lovely Easter.

Cheers for reading X