I have had depression for a number of years. The severity of it has fluctuated from mild to very clinical (ultimately wanting to kill myself, that I could not be left alone and was looked after by my husband).
For a long time, I would try to find a cure, because I am honest I didn’t want to be labeled depressive. People assumed that I didn’t have a sense of humour all I was stuck in a dark corner wanted to die. Let me tell you one thing I have had a job and wanted to kill myself. I have had panic attacks in the toilet, no one knew about. That is the thing it can be a very private affair, some people do not suspect a thing. Now everyone breaks down to everything (that is not a bad thing if you do, it is just the fact that it is more overtly obvious that someone thing is not quite right).
I always hated having depression for a long time, I thought I was weak and I should keep everything quiet. I wanted to vanish. These days I don’t want it to vanish, I just accept that it is part of me. I can have months of bad episodes, I cry every day and what not. I feel not afraid of it that appreciate it is there because you know what life isn’t peachy, it is shit. I feel the darkness around me, I take it as it is, I know what I feel. I don’t change it, I just right with it. It is comfort in one sense like it is trying to find of dealing with the feelings, it might be viewed as constructive, but it is me trying to survive and hang on. I can feel mostly depressed, sick in the stomach but still laugh and tell a joke, It is not simple, it is complex because it involves emotions and there never black and white.
I feel less pressure on myself to get better, it is not that I don’t want to help myself, it is more awareness and just feeling the feelings. If I want to cry, I have that panic attack and I don’t mask it. I take it with both hands and giving it that place to just be. I don’t wish it away, I don’t want it as some sort of luxury handbag. I just am mindful of my feelings more. You know what it is ok to have depression, I am not weak, I am more emotionally aware of how I feel. That is the thing with time it has taught me how I work.
Cheers for reading X
my word of the week is:
because after the funeral I got home and I received the dreaded Brown letter from personal independence payment to find out that I have zero points and suddenly my autism seems to have vanished.
This benefit helps me with my autism manage day-to-day life and now I have to go through the hell out of appeal.
When I went through the whole stress of the face-to-face assessment, on the day we recorded it because we knew that DWP had a bad reputation for lying and putting information down that wasn’t true. Well the report low and behold this is riddled with with lies. We think the reason I scored 0 points on everything is because she didn’t like the fact that we recorded the meeting. I am so glad we did as it is going to help a lot with evidence when I finally do the appeal.
The stress has taken its toll on myself and my husband. Now my husband is really strong minded and calm and collected with everything. I know if he breaks down that were in serious trouble, which has happened more than once this week.
So, we’re going to fight this even if it takes months you can’t give up I will kill you.
Cheers for reading X
I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.
Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.
Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.
I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit. But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t, I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child
Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!
Cheers for reading X
My word of the week is:
It just seems to be me but in my household I am freezing even when the sunshine is out. Though can’t moan too much as it has been beautiful and I have enjoyed getting out and snapping some beautiful sunsets. Which is probably good as hubby is rearranging wires and moving furniture around . The kitchen and living room is chaos. I hate mess and disruption. I dont know how other people copy with it but it leaves me feeling irritated and powerless. I think I am a control freak and like order. I hate it when things are not in order and a mess. Though I have been colouring more as a result to help distress me and take my mind away from the sawdust floor. On a positive note we had a Chinese and oh my word have not had one for a long time but it was amazing and thr added benefit of not having to worry about cooking.
I have also joined a course to teach me the skills to be mindfu. I can’t promise I will be chilled and less anxious . still I am willing to learn anything that might help me be more relaxed.
Hope you have a good week!
Cheers for reading X