Anxiety

Hey readers,

As a long-term sufferer from anxiety, I have learned a lot on the way from experiencing anxiety. For one thing, anxiety is the pits! At times when feeling anxious, it feels very real especially when your heart is pounding so hard you feel that it may feel out of your body.

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Over the years anxiety scared me ironically. I wanted to run away and try to hide from it but if you have ever suffered from anxiety then it will find you and you will be sure made aware of it. If anything running away from the anxiety actually makes it worse in my opinion and the experience I have had of anxiety.

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Over the years I have come to one conclusion with anxiety is to accept it for what it is. Ok, it is a regular visitor but it is definitely not a friend because it is not very nice. But accepting it and feeling the feelings is ok, it doesn’t make me a failure, which I believed for a very long time.

Accepting the anxiety and knowing that the anxious thoughts are not always true and sometimes my behaviour is just learned from all the years of fear. It is a warped way of protecting myself. Now I embrace it, I allow it to come. If I have a panic attack or breakdown in tears I let it come. It is ok and actually, it is so much more manageable than before. This mindset has helped. Likewise, with feelings of failure, I know that anxiety is something that may be with me all my life but it doesn’t mean I am weak or I give in. I accept it and work with it the best I can at that time.

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You have to ride with the anxiety like the waves of the sea. Sometimes I experience anxiety and it can be only a day where I am cribbled with intense dread. Other times I go through periods of total exhaustion, tearfulness, panic attacks etc. That is ok. It is ok not to be ok. It is ok not to be superhuman and it is ok to have anxiety. It doesn’t make me less of a person. I am not anxiety, anxiety is part of me but there are many more layers to me.

I am still learning about my mental health, it is not easy especially when you are vulnerable and prone to the negativity it can catch you out, anxiety is a bugger like that.  But I am with wisdom moving on with anxiety, if it is there it is there but I am not going to run away from it or be scared of it anymore. I think this is one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned in life. I am not superhuman but I can feel and appreciate the feelings. They belong to me and I can respond to them any way I chose. It is my life and the anxiety does not control me, I am the controller of anxiety.

Cheers for reading X

Days like today!

Hey readers,

I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.

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Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come  knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.

mojo

Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.

I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit.  But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t,  I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child

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 Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!

Cheers for reading X

Cold

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

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It just seems to be me but in my household I am freezing even when the sunshine is out. Though can’t moan too much as it has been beautiful and I have enjoyed getting out and snapping some beautiful sunsets. Which is probably good as hubby is rearranging wires and moving furniture around . The kitchen and living room is chaos. I hate mess and disruption. I dont know how other people copy with it but it leaves me feeling irritated and powerless. I think I am a control freak and like order. I hate it when things are not in order and a mess. Though I have been colouring more as a result to help distress me and take my mind away from the sawdust floor. On a positive note we had a Chinese and oh my word have not had one for a long time but it was amazing and thr added benefit of not having to worry about cooking. 

I have also joined a course to teach me the skills to be mindfu. I can’t promise I will be chilled and less anxious . still I am willing to learn anything that might help me be more  relaxed.

Hope you have a good week!

Cheers for reading X

 

The Reading Residence