With or without anxiety

Hey readers,

I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment. One moment I feel like I am doing alright with life and then the next thing bang the darkness appears. I swear at times anxiety hates me, it is on 24-hour alert to catch me, especially when I am most venerable. It hates the fact that I am doing OK and hates to see me managing and getting on with life. My brain needs anxiety I feel, I can’t relax and that is the biggest downfall. As I have experienced anxiety for so long where it is not there I worry about worrying if you know what I mean.

Multicolored Smoke

I have this inability to relax. I like the adrenaline at times, feeling alert and it almost feels like a way to clarify that I am alive and living. I have had anxiety for most of my life that when I am not having anxiety I think it is my problem adapting to change. It feels weird to not have the anxiety around.

I am learning to try and let go, allow that anxiety to come and to try not to shy away from it. it is what it is, fear brings it on and that’s not healthy either. I think being present at the moment with the anxiety is one of my biggest challenges. I can’t believe how hard it is to just be and face the anxiety head-on. I am on alert, my body is tight, my muscles and mind hurt. Every night I have a splitting headache due to fighting this anxiety.
It feels like I am doing a mental workout, it is exhausting but with being anxiety warrior you can’t deny resilience is there. Good or bad resilience it is in me and I keep on fighting when at times I just want to hide under a fort, but sadly I need to get up and go, with or without anxiety.

However, that being said I have spent years trying to get rid of this anxiety. Now, I am trying a new approach where I allow it to come, greet it with open arms. I don’t want to be scared of anxiety anymore. I have autism as well and anxiety is a common trait for a lot of people on the spectrum including me. So, instead of trying to change it, I am going to acknowledge the anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety can be good, it might make me think twice about what I am doing. it may be anxiety cause let’s face it not all anxiety is bad. I think media portray it with negative connotations but you can use to your advantage.

The main line of this anxiety post is that I am trying to learn to live with the anxiety, accept it for what it is. don’t put everything I have one then anxiety and know that it is the only sort of me. it doesn’t define me and that actually in control of my life.

Cheers for reading X

Depression and parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I feel that on my blog I should not discuss depression as I am so ashamed because that is what society makes me feel like at times. I have always been embarrassed to say that I take anti-depressants and that in-turn makes me feel weak. But deep down I know that my depression is a genetic and chemical reaction, it doesn’t make me a bad person because of it.

Truth be told as a parent with depression there are days when I hardly do anything, the only thing I attempt is to the bare minimum for my children. Once the children have gone to bed it allows me time to cry from all the build-up sadness and frustration from the day.

Some days are better than others, but now again I get dips and need that extra hand from my husband. For instance, I struggle to deal with the social side of taking my children to nursery or school. It is not always just the socialising but the physical environment is so hard for me to manage. I literally feel so suffocated and overwhelmed by the sensory stimulation that is happening in the room. I am autistic on top of all this and usually, I can find that it interacts with the depression.

Therefore heightened social situations can make me feel rubbish and can contribute towards me beating myself up for not being a good enough at being a parent because I am not like all the parents. It tends to result in me coming home and breaking down. I feel rubbish and tend to just want to sleep in order to escape the reminder of my shortfalls as a parent and person.

Other times, I struggle with dealing with the temperament of my children or talking about topics such as death, as this can trigger my OCD. No one teaches you how to communicate to your child and some days I just have to admit to defeat as it is too tough for me to deal with and hubby would have to take over.

When I am going through a dip in my mood I can spend the whole day dragging myself down, I physically feel on edge and know that after all this there is going to be a massive panic attack. I hide away from my husband, as I am not good at communicating at that moment, I don’t instantly have the words to say. I feel therefore this risks the changes of irritability between me and my husband. I don’t like being touched for a cuddle, I just need the time for me to mope and allow the emotions to pass. I don’t want solutions, I try lots of things but at that moment I just need to be. I don’t run form it anymore, at the end of it, I kind of feel better out of my system.

It helps me feel calmer and my body feels like it is being heard.

Sometimes, the best thing is to accept it at that moment, don’t find solutions because at the end of the day it is something that you can deal with at a later date when your mind is in a clearer state. I have learned when you are that emotional, nothing makes sense and I tend to make the wrong decisions so it is better for me to not make any decisions at all during my ‘meltdowns’. I feel now that I have learned how I react and what is best for me is less painful and it allows me to feel more in control ironically.

Cheers for reading X

Ways to find anxiety relief

Hey readers.

If you are a regular you will know that I suffer from anxiety and depression for a number of years. I have explored many ways to help reduce the mental distress that these conditions cause me. I thought I would share some of the successful ways that have helped reduce my anxiety.

Trees in Forest

Laugh – such a fun and easy way to make you feel good. I love a good stand up DVD or someone funny that does Youtube really puts me in good spirits.

Have a bath – it can help you relax and soothe your pains away. If you are like me then with my anxiety I tense my body, so much so at the end of the day my muscles are aching. I love a hot bath and something soothing in it to help relax me. It is perfect to help with getting a good night sleep.

Sleep – sometimes life can get too much with all the worry that anxiety brings. I just take myself to bed early, close the curtains and just put some relaxing music on to help make me drift away. I feel so much better in the morning because I have allowed myself switch off and just relax.

Talk to someone – it doesn’t have to be someone you know could be a helpline or talking anonymously to someone on a forum. It is a massive relief just getting things off your chest even if you find no solution.

If in doubt at all go to your doctors and seek professional help. Don’t be ashamed as you are not alone, many people suffer from mental health issues.

Sometimes, I don’t always have the vocal skills to express what is on my mind so a good way that has helped me is to write down is on my mind. I feel that once it is down it stops getting messy in my mind. It is more concrete and lot easier to understand.

A brilliant anxiety technique to do is try deep breathes. At first, it feels funny but the more you practice the more it will feel natural to you. It is brilliant for getting more air into your lungs and using them to your full compacity rather than just doing quick and fast rapid breathing. Breathing more oxygen exchange meaning release of the hormone cortisol which helps with destresses. There are plenty of videos of guided how to videos o it on youtube.

Sometimes we can feel that whatever we are thinking must be true, but reminding ourselves that actually, not all feelings are facts. They can be illogical, biased and deseving. We chose what we want to believe in, there are so many thoughts that we produce but we get stuck on all the negatives one that we let slide the other side of the argument.

Finally, one that I do regularly as I find it so beneficial but it is the most difficult and that is a change of scenery. It can be so easy to just stay indoors when it feels safe,

Cheers for reading X

Benefits of practising silence

Hey readers,

There is so much noise around whether on TV, phone, tablet whatever there is constantly things that are grabbing our attention.

Sometimes it can really get to me and that is why it is important to take ten minutes a day along in the quiet to just be without any distractions.

I have started doing this a few months ago and I will be honest at first I did find it really hard with having so many racing thoughts. But over time it gets easier with practice.

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I find taking time out each day really helps me appreciate the moment and slowing down. It gives me that time to just stop and breathe. I simply do nothing and it is really relaxing to just let go.

I lie on my bed (that is my favourite place to be) I turn everything off and close my eyes and let whatever comes into my head slip away. I forget about it if it is important it will come back to me.

Silence,landscape,panorama,sea

I think it is a real skill to learn to be present and at the moment, even if it is just for a small percentage of the day. The world moves fast and it is to not notice. to just sit and be mindful, to feel whatever it is and just breathe. I am not massively into mindfulness but just sitting and breathing has helped greatly with learning to relax, which funny enough is something I am not very good at.

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I have found it to help my anxiety and thoughts by training myself to not feed into them but focus on the sensory of the hear and now. I am learning to let go of the anxiety and knowing that ten minutes of the day is mine to just be, relax and appreciate what is happening right here, right now.

Cheers for reading X

 

Silly things my mind has told me

Hey readers,

I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.

So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.

  • Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
  • such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
  • My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
  • My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
  • A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.

The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.

Cheers for reading X