One of my problems due to my depression and autism is that I can pull my hair out. I link it to sensory purposes as sometimes I am so numb that I want to feel something or hurt myself. I have been knowing to pull and yank my hair when I am very distressed. I have ripped out clumps of hair when I am going through a meltdown or when I am really angry because I don’t always have the communication skills to express myself. Sometimes, I feel that I need to punish myself because I am not a good parent. I hate myself and worry that I am royally screwing up my children because I have a disability and can not always give the opportunities that other parents can give to their children.
I know it is not the ‘normal’ way to self-harm that has been popularised over the years. I get so frustrated and hurt myself due to low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy due to my autism. I know this is a sad state of affairs but it is true.
I have always struggled with my autism probably because of past responses of parent/carer when I was younger of not being good enough or the adult of my care being in denial and rejecting my diagnosis. Even to this day I still battle with the thoughts frequently.
I have discussed in a vlog before about skin picking but I haven’t mentioned hair pulling because I was in a bit of denial. I feel through the autism community is good online in accepting and promoting praise for the disability. I feel that if you were to pipe up and say actually sometimes I don’t like being autistic, that you might get abuse and people won’t like you. I guess I am not yet that strong to always speak out and be honest about how I am feeling. I think it is something with time and with my confidence in blogging writing it will come out.
Maybe one day I may get so bad that I need to look at treatment to sort out my hair. One way could be a hair transplant. look into hair transplant cost
Cheers for reading X
Do you wake up and feel the dread in the pit of your stomach. You wonder how the heck you are going to get through the day, the hours feel long and you feel like you are battling through. Everywhere you look people look like they have their sh*t together and you are in this dark place. You want to hide and run away but there is this dark cloud that follows you everywhere you go.
There are times when I question everything and consider would it be better I wasn’t here. If I died would my boys have a better life? I wouldn’t but sometimes these thoughts pop up when I doubt myself, everything goes wrong and I am just tired of fighting. I just want to hide for a bit. I wish I could run away from myself but no I am stuck with this bag of rubbish.
I lie in bed and go over everything. I beat myself up with doubt and knock myself down with criticism. I am angry and hate my autism. It makes everything crap or hard work. I don’t feel a natural mother and sometimes truth be told I get angry at my husband for allowing me to have children. Having depression as a parent is tough, I wish I could switch it off. Sometimes the depression lies to me, or my judgments are all wrong. I doubt everything. it is a battle and I wish I could just go out for a walk and it is gone, but mental health is not like that.
Sometimes I am OK and other days I can barely get out of bed. Then if that weren’t bad enough there is another battle with all the dark thoughts of guilt I have and quite frankly it is exhausting. I wish I could switch it all off, my thoughts and feelings and just be free like a bird.
Cheers for reading X
I have autism and what accompanies that is anxiety. I don’t think you can permanently get rid of it, sadly it interlinks with the condition. That being said you can help reduce the anxiety with finding ways that can help minimise the anxiety.
One of the things that I really struggle with my anxiety is really badly shaking especially with my hands, they literally cannot stop moving, it is normally triggered in social situations and it is hard to hold a cup – and yes I have dropped a fair few in my time.
Therefore, I have spent many a time working ways to reduce shaking hands because it really annoys me because it is just so frustrating and embarrassing for me.
The first technique to help reduce shaky hands is to focus on my breathing, keeping my attention on the basic principles with breathing in and out. Making sure I am aware of my lungs up and down and making sure that all the thoughts are put aside, even if it is just constantly reminding myself focus on the breathing. At first, it is really hard because it is training your brain to think different but keeps at it and it will get easier with practice and time. However, it is a great tool as it gives you time to slow down with your thoughts and think about breathing. This in turns slows down the fight or flight response.
If it involves waiting around having some distraction techniques weather be writing poetry or colouring helps stop me from thinking about the anxiety and feeding into it.
Reducing caffeine can help, as caffeine is a stimulant and can cause an increase in an anxiety and heart racing.
Hand stretching has helped with trying to reduce the amount of adrenaline in my hand. Stretching out the fingers and pushing all my energy out. I focus on each finger at a time and notice the reactions that are occurring when doing it. This exercise can help once again in slowing down the anxiety and focusing on something other than the intrusive thoughts.
Is there anything that has helped you with anxiety, I would love to hear your thoughts?
Cheers for reading X
I know the time will come,
until then I wait,
not knowing what to expect,
lead to one outcome,
still, I am waiting.
Who am I,
I have lost my identity,
I feel I am replaced,
by a robot,
everything seems to function,