What you see

Today I feel defeated,

I cracked,

Now it is all poured out,

when will it stop,

I dread,

I doubt,

I feel the pressure go,

Slipping away,

as my wound unfolds.

It’s OK to not be OK

Hey readers,

Today I wondered into town on a hot Saturday. The atmosphere was busy, people everywhere. Both things I am not very good at.

I appreciate that this is standard, I aimed to go to the supermarket to do shopping. I got half way there and had a funny turn. Don’t worry it is my anxiety based symptom. I have social anxiety and today it reminded me that it was there. I am not invisible, maybe a naive thinking I am better then I actually am when in reality some days are tough.

abstract 1

I think sometimes I forget that being in recovery from mental health problems is a rocky road and it is not simply just black and white. It takes as long as it takes, some days are better then others. It may take years  to recovery or it might be something I have to live with and manage. I think as a person dealing with social anxiety it is really quite hard to remember that life isn’t linear and it is quite messy.

abstract 2

It is so easy for me to put pressure on to get get to the end but sometimes you have to just accept the fact that you are not ok and you know what that is ok. I also feel when you discuss mental health with others who may not have experienced it or have a different experience to yourself their ‘helpful’ advice is really not that. They put their frustrations on you and there is so much pressure to ‘pull yourself together’.

abstract 3

These expectations that you should instantly find a magic cure especially when you have a label as such you sense that patience runs so thin. People don’t see mental health like physical, ok mental health awareness has improved but not the acceptance. People thing by changing your attitude it will instantly get rid  it doesn’t work like that. It is something that you have to  constantly work at it and you can be so hard on yourself. You forget that it is your journey and some days are just rough. It is ok to say you know what today is a shit day, sometime we have them. I am going to say quite controversially that sometimes it can be good to have a bad day because it gives you change to reflect and appreciate the good stuff.

Cheers for reading X

Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs
3 Little Buttons

Mindful

Hey readers,

My word of the week is

MINDFUL.png

because as a person I am anxious and neurotic at the best times, I am autistic and always self conscious about how I communicate whether that be verbal or non-verbal. I have a lot of self-doubt and I am on edge a lot as a parent. But this week when I have had really high levels of anxiety, I have embraced and gone with it. This is something that I am not very good at because it is scary, generally with my anxiety I get a LOT of intrusive thoughts. It has really been really effective, not all the time but a small time. For me that is progress because I am a firm believer in baby steps and anxiety is something I have to live with. But this week I felt quite proud of my work, it takes a lot of courage to change especially when you are not feeling 100%.

So, I am going to take this opportunity to big myself up because no one else will. You know what I can get stuck perfectionist ways so it is good to see the positive.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoia and anxious. 

alone

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don’t do small talk and the things I think about to talk about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

alone 2

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, in this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability makes me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don’t worry I won’t but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ‘ believe’ others think. 

alone 3

I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role, because I view success on where I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can’t I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confided in a wheel chair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down. I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judge me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, but it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis less children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

diaryofanimperfectmum

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Dear Bear and Beany

Bubble

It’s this time,

that gets me,

when no one

is here,

alone,

without turbulence,

just me and silence,

I feel sane,

with no blame,

this is me,

in my bubble.

Autistic adulting sucks!

Hey readers,

I hate people, seriously all they ever seems to do is be fake it. Why can’t people be honest and just tell the truth because you think it hurts peoples feelings. But here is the thing I already know so don’t pussy around the subject.

It sucks being autistic, the constant rejection of people, pretending to be nice when really they don’t give two monkeys.

stranded

I am sick of it and sick of this world that I live in. It doesn’t help I am stuck in places where people don’t really know where to put me. Let’s face facts first impressions count and no one likes the awkwardness of the autistic people, it is much easier to just deny us the opportunity. Even though us autistic people would so bloody hard, more so then the average person because we have to,i t’s a fight to fit in when your just totally failing on the outside. I feel lost and I don’t belong, this place feels lonely. Sometimes, I just can’t face it anymore but once again you have to find the strength to get back up again even though you are plummeting into a dark, dark place.

lost

It sucks to have to undergo interviews when clearly they are not autistic friendly and again I feel like my needs are met.  Don’t you understand us autistic people can’t cope with question after question without getting burnt out, not to mention the social interaction, it takes all our resources to get through it to then be told that actually we are not looking for people at the moment. But why put me through this hell, what you really mean is your not a suitable candidate, just be honest, at least I know where I stand. Right now I feel insulted and taken for a full. It took all my energy to get out my comfort zone and I am devastated. It really does suck because of the effort I but into these things but never get the opportunities, I don’t know why I bother.

darkness

Even as an adult I am always dealt with the hand of rejection and you know what people it sucks, big time for us autistic people to be treated like this. I am just thankful for my blog as it is an outlet when other times I can not muster the words to anyone the pain I am battling everyday. Rant over!

Cheers for reading

d

ethannevelyn.com
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