Today I slept for so long, it was what I body so needed, time to rest my brain and body. I feel like I need to have a break every now again and shut down to help me compensate for all the pain and work that I put it through.
I think during half term school holiday I am working harder to socialise and be with others for longer periods of time. Don’t get me wrong I adore my children but being autistic it is challenging to spend so long with individuals.
I feel us autistic folk need time to hibernate and re-charge our batteries more than neurotypical people. I think one of the reasons is because I am working that harder to apply social skills that may not necessarily come naturally to me.
Then there is the emotional side where I beat myself up over my shortfalls to ridiculous amount. One of the reasons because you can’t help but compare yourself to other random people, even though you don’t know through social media.
I always view my autism as a battle, something I have to get up and deal with every single day. On top of that I have to deal with the internal battle of low self-esteem and dealing myself as a parent.
Most of the time I feel like I am blagging a this whole parenting thing and I put so much energy in to trying to function like everyone else that I burn myself out, hence the breaks and shutdown.
So, that is one of the many struggles I have as an autistic parent, it is never easy but I am thankful for my blog. It is true what they say that writing things down may not cure my situation but it is a place to clear my mind of the many thoughts that are buzzing around in my head.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes I want to hide away like a coconut far far away cocoon safely in my ball closed tightly for no one to enter.
I suppose the downside of wanting to be in a coconut is the size of me being the size of a hippo.
OK, jokes aside, I think I would miss the freedom of life that so so colourful. as much as it is very stimulating for me and potentially the risk of wanting to close down. i would miss the spontaneous of the simple pleasures that makes me smile.
I am a firm believer that there is beauty everywhere, even in this hectic world that we live in.
sometimes it is good to keep things simple and have that opportunity to hide away in my little box where I don’t get overexposed to the stimulis that make my mind spin.
In one sense I am lucky to be free to have the choice to chose ti accept the challenge of what life has dumped upon me.
Sometimes I feel that I can feel like I am walking around with head fog not knowing where to go and temporarily lose the ability to read anything. Which means I am in a situations at times when I am at risk because I don’t have the skills to make safe decisions.
That being said I normally can spot most of the time triggers and can deal pre-meltdown/shutdown. I suppose that one blessing is that the older you get with autism you learn more about you and how the disability effects you as an individual with the condition. Although, I still am learning to this day and don’t think I will ever stop. Life is full of surprises and you just never know what will help or how you will react.
Cheers for reading X
I suffer from anxiety/depression and sometimes it is hard to get on with life when you are sucked into the vicious cycle of self hatred. But sometimes doing the smallest of things to make life nicer for yourself can make a huge difference. Here are some ways that I will discuss in this post that have helped me.
First one is being kind to yourself, easier said then done but sometimes we can be our own worse critic. We beat ourselves up and if anyone in the same situation came to us I bet we wouldn’t speak to them thew way we speak to ourselves. Be kinder and accept that somethings our out of control. We are doing the best or doing what we can in that situation.
I have noticed that life particularly as a parent can feel like a wheel that constantly goes around and around, doing the same thing in and out each day without any change. Sometimes, change is good and what better way to do it then breaking the monotony up of your day. It could be something simple like going for a walk to a coffee shop, can make a huge difference to your day because it is a change of scenery.
Another way to make you feel better about yourself is doing some volunteer, as you get the sense that you are valued for your time and services. Not to mention the feeling that you as a person are giving something valuable like your time for the better good will bring a feel good factor. It could potential help built your self confidence in making you more worthwhile doing something positive and taking action.
A really productive way to help with your mental health is when you can ask for help and don’t feel ashamed as no man is an island. I have always found this one different myself as I have been brought to not ask for help but now and again I do ask and you no what it makes a massive difference. You also shouldn’t feel ashamed but proud for doing something that can make your situation better. Your not weak because of asking but strong for recognising that you need help, no one can do it all by themselves.
Sometimes, we can get caught up in our thoughts and just sit there ruminating on them causing us to be in a worse mood. I find that taking time out for yourself and doing something that you enjoy is really beneficial. It doesn’t have to be something grand it could be just going for a walk, taking photos or even colouring but it has the benefits of helping you relax and distract yourself away form the negative thoughts.
This is so cliche but I am going to throw it in as I read a lot recently that blogging is really positive for your mental wellbeing. Firstly, you have platform to write your feelings which can bring real cathartic . Secondly, your helping others who may be similar situations feel less alone and you never you may make friends.
Cheers for reading X
I feel powerless,
I feel I am losing,
At this thing called life,
There is no direction,
But full loft uncertainties.
I don’t know which direction to gp,
Can I go into hiding instead,
It’s to hard to play,
Being an adult is a mission
Sometimes I don’t feel equipped,
I wish I could just stop
And charge up.
You don’t have to be deep in mindfulness to appreciate the beauty of mindfulness. You can take little bits of practice and apply to your everyday life.
I suppose the first thing is to understand what mindfulness, well basically in a nutshell it is being in a mental state where you are present and mindful of the moment. But also accepting and acknowledging any feelings or thoughts that the person has.
One of the ways to use an activity such as colouring or anything really that involves concentration can help, as well as it being creative can help visitation technique.
Stopping what your doing and focusing on the breathing. If you have a trail of thought accept that and focus on a thought or feeling that you may have, or it could be looking at something in detail in the room. This can bring back being aware of your surrounding and slowing down the thoughts. It can help give you time to think a bit more clearer as well.
Another mindfulness practice is to concentrate on the body part that is holding tension and focus releasing that tension. The best thing to do is to sit somewhere quite and comfortable where you can focus on scanning your body where you feel tense, then allow that body part to relax and let go of that tension. This can give you more knowledge of where you might hold tension and also give you sense of listening to your body and working with it to help reduce the anxiety.
Overall, the main idea of mindfulness is breathing, being aware and concentrating on listening to your body, in-turn being mindful of what is happening. However, not necessarily responding in anyway.
I myself am not a total convert to mindfulness but I take some practices and adapt them to my life. I have found over the months mindfulness to be beneficial especially when I feel like I am not in control.
I hope this has been enlightening and maybe you want to give it a go. As I said I am no practitioner in it but if you want to look further in detail you can find more information here.
Cheers for reading X
I want the ground to swallow me up,
I see you all staring
Waging that finger.
Your judging eyes only see
What is in front of you
You can’t see the pain
Of wishing to vanish
To get away from this rubbish.
No one tells you in these
How to be when your standing there
All alone in this mindfield
Of confusion and misery.