My word of the week is:
The answer was no and scored zero again. I even included a letter of support from my old CPN but it appears that they have sent out the letter two days before receiving my letter, I just don’t know I bother.
It is headache that I don’t really need and it’s making me feel crap. This is how it is now we have to fight for an appeal. my anxiety goes through the roof and I just don’t feel good knowing that I have to wait for the whole appeal process to happen which could take months.
This seems to be making my mental health worse, it just makes me so angry as I have worked so hard over the past couple of years to make small but big improvements.
I suppose I have to remind myself I am not alone and other people also have to fight. I just feel angry at the system which is meant to help the I’ll and disabled. but they have just let most of us down big time.
Cheers for reading X
This evening has been tough, it real has been a battle within my own mind. My husband has boxes everywhere, there is crap everywhere and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t escape as the doors are closed and only I am confined to the living room as it is not safe for my children to go into any of the other rooms.
There are boxes near the front door, I feel suffocated and angry. Today I feel I am not designed to live in this neurotypical world. I am not suited to living with people and there crap, it is everywhere and there is no order.
My eldest has had major meltdown and screaming matches to add it all into the mix. My ears are ringing. My anxiety is making me shake like a leave. I want to cry but my depression makes me feel so numb. I wish I could just run away, this parenting malarkey is shit. No one cares. I am alone and I just want to switch over. I am struggling with noise, the lightning just all the information. I want my brain to shut down, I want this noise to go away. I want to run away instead I am stuck looking at these four walls and thinking what have I done to my life.
I hate my autism, I don’t care what you think. Days like today I wish it would go away, instead it is always there. How am I meant to feel good about this? what bit of this is good? I feel rubbish and worthless piece of crap and it seems everything I touch goes belly up. I can’t read or communicate correctly. I just don’t see the point, I just want darkness or just some quiet. My world is full of noise and want it to stop so I can breathe.
Cheers for reading X
Why I do feel so angry,
At the injustice,
Hearing them speak,
Why can’t they be human,
Instead turning a blind eye.
The waiting is the hardest,
Just holding on.
I have no control,
I am left stranded,
My future is in there hands.