More harm then good

There are times when I want to walk out the door, run away and vanish.

I don’t have the strength and it hurts being not good enough.

I suck at living and sometimes I don’t want to be here.

I want to hide away somewhere dark and quite where no one can reach me.

It feels like an ongoing battle which constantly I need to fight.

It tires me out and I feel so alone and feel like I an the only one.

This is my reality I have to live day in day out and it is exhausting.

Sometimes, I just want to die because I cause more harm then good.

Periods after pregnancy

Hey readers,

I am on my period and it sucks physically and mentally. Each month it feels like hell!

Ever since I gave birth something happened to my biology and it impacts my emotional responses when I have a period each month.

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I feel like it is a battle mentally, I am a washed with dread. I am terrified and on edge. I feel like I am literally on eggshells, I break down at the slightest thing. I feel fragile and terrified. My adrenalin is so high and I can’t sleep which doesn’t add to the mix.
I am raging and want someone to give me concrete answers to such grey questions. I feel like I will always be like This and I get so angry because I want to run away from myself but I am stuck with me. I hate it and I get so jealous of the husband who is so carefree and relaxed. I hate anxiety, the way it torments me and makes my thoughts going into a fast racing mode. Why do I have to be like this, every fucking month? I hate it and I feel rubbish. I am non-stop shaking inside and out. I know the mood swings have got worse since I entered motherhood. Every month I am like this, there are times when I wish I could just rip out my womb!

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If the emotional side of having a period was enough to deal with there is the pain that comes along with it too and again it is considerably worse. Before my first pregnancy, I would suffer mild cramps that I could manage with some paracetamol. Now, I want to cry from the pain in my stomach. I feel like someone has punched me in the vagina and every time I have a poo it reminds me of being in labour and pushing out a baby. I can’t lift my sons up as my back during the time of the month is so achy and feels like I have spent all day bend over when in reality I have done sod all.

I just needed to rant as I have had these for six years and if sucks being female sometimes.

Cheers for reading X