I’m stood like a fool,
the outcast that I am,
no one knows
the mask I hold.
forever trying to be
something I am not.
I never will reach,
I am just not good,
I wish was
then maybe life
would be much better.
instead I am stuck,
with my brain fu*ked.
I am on my period and it sucks physically and mentally. Each month it feels like hell!
Ever since I gave birth something happened to my biology and it impacts my emotional responses when I have a period each month.
I feel like it is a battle mentally, I am a washed with dread. I am terrified and on edge. I feel like I am literally on eggshells, I break down at the slightest thing. I feel fragile and terrified. My adrenalin is so high and I can’t sleep which doesn’t add to the mix.
I am raging and want someone to give me concrete answers to such grey questions. I feel like I will always be like This and I get so angry because I want to run away from myself but I am stuck with me. I hate it and I get so jealous of the husband who is so carefree and relaxed. I hate anxiety, the way it torments me and makes my thoughts going into a fast racing mode. Why do I have to be like this, every fucking month? I hate it and I feel rubbish. I am non-stop shaking inside and out. I know the mood swings have got worse since I entered motherhood. Every month I am like this, there are times when I wish I could just rip out my womb!
If the emotional side of having a period was enough to deal with there is the pain that comes along with it too and again it is considerably worse. Before my first pregnancy, I would suffer mild cramps that I could manage with some paracetamol. Now, I want to cry from the pain in my stomach. I feel like someone has punched me in the vagina and every time I have a poo it reminds me of being in labour and pushing out a baby. I can’t lift my sons up as my back during the time of the month is so achy and feels like I have spent all day bend over when in reality I have done sod all.
I just needed to rant as I have had these for six years and if sucks being female sometimes.
Cheers for reading X
Why I do feel so angry,
At the injustice,
Hearing them speak,
Why can’t they be human,
Instead turning a blind eye.
The waiting is the hardest,
Just holding on.
I have no control,
I am left stranded,
My future is in there hands.
Why do I screw it up,
Words are tbere
But they don’t come out.
Now I am left with doubt,
Paranoia to the max,
All the things I could say,
But the anxiety cripes me,
Now I am sad,
Becuase yet again I have messed up.
Have you noticed that it is a tat on the hot side, yep, me too and I am terribly British in which I love a good moan about the weather. So let’s look at my
accurate portray of what it is like to experience going through a heatwave.
You know you are going through a heatwave when every sentence, every hour of the day is announcing to anyone who is listening, ‘It’s hot’. Because no one obviously has noticed that big yellow ball in the sky.
You go bat shit crazy in the supermarket for multi packs of ice lollies like your life depends on it.
You love your fan like a family member.
Never has a cold shower felt so good until your child decides to walk in on you and declare you have a hole.
You get beyond frustrated at stupid questions asked by children about who is the smelliest when really all that matters right now is trying to concentrate on cramming as may ice cubes as possible into your cup.
You worry your bladder may explode because you have drank your weight in cold drinks in just one day.
Your pillow has never felt so pumped then during this heatwave with constantly turning over the pillow at night.
You suddenly become a raging manic woman over the tiniest of things because you fuse has finally blown and throwing wet pants on mummy’s head tips her right over that edge.
The dreaded bedtime you have to do. The ultimate question, should or should you not open the windows? Where the bedroom is like a fucking sauna and outside is just noise from people constantly revving and horn beeping timed just around the bed time hour. Don’t they know these people outside having fun at bedtime hour makes this mama very, very angry.
You pine for autumn so hard, please bring it back, because I don’t know if I can cope with any more under boob sweat.
Cheers for reading X