My word of the week is
because it has been coughs all round in my home and snot running down the face. I have struggled to function other then to think about sleep. Therefore, spending a lot for time at home and not doing much. Which I don’t mind as I am exhausted anyways!
In other news the car’s bumper needed changing as someone bumped into it by accident. So, that has taken some work, joy!
At least normal rountine has resumed and though my youngest has had three days off from nursery due to a boiler breaking down, it feels good to be back to normal. It has been lovely also to see the sunshine.
Hope you have had a good week.
Cheers for reading X
Do you wake up and feel the dread in the pit of your stomach. You wonder how the heck you are going to get through the day, the hours feel long and you feel like you are battling through. Everywhere you look people look like they have their sh*t together and you are in this dark place. You want to hide and run away but there is this dark cloud that follows you everywhere you go.
There are times when I question everything and consider would it be better I wasn’t here. If I died would my boys have a better life? I wouldn’t but sometimes these thoughts pop up when I doubt myself, everything goes wrong and I am just tired of fighting. I just want to hide for a bit. I wish I could run away from myself but no I am stuck with this bag of rubbish.
I lie in bed and go over everything. I beat myself up with doubt and knock myself down with criticism. I am angry and hate my autism. It makes everything crap or hard work. I don’t feel a natural mother and sometimes truth be told I get angry at my husband for allowing me to have children. Having depression as a parent is tough, I wish I could switch it off. Sometimes the depression lies to me, or my judgments are all wrong. I doubt everything. it is a battle and I wish I could just go out for a walk and it is gone, but mental health is not like that.
Sometimes I am OK and other days I can barely get out of bed. Then if that weren’t bad enough there is another battle with all the dark thoughts of guilt I have and quite frankly it is exhausting. I wish I could switch it all off, my thoughts and feelings and just be free like a bird.
Cheers for reading X
My word of the week is:
because previously I mentioned the battle that is personal independence payment and going through the appeal stage. It was extremely frustrating as I have scored zero points, therefore, I had to go for an appeal. Whilst waiting for the all the information from the DWP regarding my application which takes roughly 28 days we had some really good news. We randomly received a big payment from the bank and we found out it was Pip. After a week we finally received a letter to confirm that we had been successfully awarded Pip there for not having to actually have to deal with going to court and appeal. Which is a massive relief for us.
Another highlight of the week is finally getting snow, the boys absolutely loved playing in the snow and watching the wind swirl the snow around.
My eldest got to dress up as The Flash his favourite character for World Book Day. Whereas my youngest, unfortunately, could not go into the nursery because the boiler in the nursery had broken down.
So overall a rather pleasant week and a sense of relief with the success of pip.
hope you had a good week.
cheers for reading X
I am on my period and it sucks physically and mentally. Each month it feels like hell!
Ever since I gave birth something happened to my biology and it impacts my emotional responses when I have a period each month.
I feel like it is a battle mentally, I am a washed with dread. I am terrified and on edge. I feel like I am literally on eggshells, I break down at the slightest thing. I feel fragile and terrified. My adrenalin is so high and I can’t sleep which doesn’t add to the mix.
I am raging and want someone to give me concrete answers to such grey questions. I feel like I will always be like This and I get so angry because I want to run away from myself but I am stuck with me. I hate it and I get so jealous of the husband who is so carefree and relaxed. I hate anxiety, the way it torments me and makes my thoughts going into a fast racing mode. Why do I have to be like this, every fucking month? I hate it and I feel rubbish. I am non-stop shaking inside and out. I know the mood swings have got worse since I entered motherhood. Every month I am like this, there are times when I wish I could just rip out my womb!
If the emotional side of having a period was enough to deal with there is the pain that comes along with it too and again it is considerably worse. Before my first pregnancy, I would suffer mild cramps that I could manage with some paracetamol. Now, I want to cry from the pain in my stomach. I feel like someone has punched me in the vagina and every time I have a poo it reminds me of being in labour and pushing out a baby. I can’t lift my sons up as my back during the time of the month is so achy and feels like I have spent all day bend over when in reality I have done sod all.
I just needed to rant as I have had these for six years and if sucks being female sometimes.
Cheers for reading X
So it is currently pouring down and the wind is blasting my hair around. It has been like this for several days and it can get more down with all the greyness. So, I thought it would be good to write some positive reasons why Winter is actually not that bad and there are some positives to this miserable and grey season.
Let’s start off with food – not any old food but comfort food. The yummy stuff full of carbs and gravy to warm up your belly followed by sponge pudding and custard.
A valid reason to stay indoors when it is so cold and wet. You can even be forgiven for wearing your pj’s on all day. You can dose about have a duvet day, keep warm and watch as much trash as humanly possible.
If you are feeling cold a perfect way to warm up is to have a hot bath and getting all warm with fleece PJ’s.
Blankets and hot bottles rule when it is so cold and all you can hear is the wind whistling and battering the windows. I will be honest with one of my favourite things to do is to fall asleep with the sound of rain hitting my window. It is so soothing and it makes me feel grateful that I am a safe in my warm home.
That being said you can not enjoy a winter walk in woodland and then know that you can come home to get warm again.
Loads of cuddles keeping you nice and warm, safe from any harm and lazying around is the best knowing that you can just relax at home with your loved ones.
Hot chocolate is the desired beverage – perfect to warm your cockles and feel all cozy inside.
What kind of things do you like about Winter?
Cheers for reading X