Depression and parenting

 

Hey readers,

Sometimes I feel that on my blog I should not discuss depression as I am so ashamed, because that is what society makes me feel like at times. I have always been embarrassed to say that I take anti-depressants and that in-turn makes me feel weak. But deep down I know that my depression is genetic and chemical reaction, it doesn’t make me a bad person because of it.

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Truth be told as a parent with depression there days when I hardly do anything, the only thing I attempt is to the the bear minimum for my children. Once the children have gone to bed it allows me time to cry from all the build up sadness and  frustration from the day.

Some days are better then others, but now again I get dips and need that extra hand from my husband. For instance, I struggle to deal with the social side of taking my children to nursery or school. It is not always just the socialising but the physical environment is so hard for me to manage. I literally feel so suffocated  and overwhelmed by the sensory stimulation that is happening in the room. I am autistic on top of all this and usually I can find that it interacts with the depression.

Therefore heightened social situations can make me feel rubbish and can contribute towards me beating myself up for not being a good enough at being a parent because I am not like all the parents. It tends to result in me coming home and breaking down. I feel rubbish and tend to just want to sleep in order to escape the reminder of my shortfalls as a parent and person.

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Other times, I struggle with dealing with the temperament of my children or talking about topics such as death, as this can trigger my OCD. No one teaches you how to communicate to your child and some days I just have to admit to defeat as it is too tough for me to deal with and hubby would have to take over.

When I am going through a dip in my mood I can spend the whole day dragging myself down, I physically feel on edge and know that after all this there is going to be a massive panic attack. I hide away from my husband, as I am not good at communicating in that moment, I don’t instantly have the words to say. I feel therefore this risks the changes of irritability between me and my husband. I don’t like being touched for a cuddle, I just need the time for me to mope and allow the emotions to pass. I don’t want solutions, I try lots of things but in that moment I just need to be. I don’t run form it anymore, at the end of it I kind of feel better getting it out of my system. It helps me feel calmer and my body feels like it is being heard.

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Sometimes, the best thing is to accept it at that moment, don’t find solutions because at the end of the day it is something that you can deal with at a later date when your mind is in a clearer state. I have learnt when you are that emotional, nothing makes sense and I tend to make the wrong decisions so it is better for me to not make any decisions at all during my ‘meltdowns’. I feel now that I have learnt how I react and what is best for me is less painful and it allows me to feel more in control ironically.

Cheers for reading X

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The day in the life of a depressive

Hey readers,

Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.

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This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.

Then my brain reminds  me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.

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The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being  stuck  in a situation that I have no  control over.

Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to  be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.

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But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.

Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.

You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.

Cheers for reading X

Depression is…

Hey readers,

Here is some of the ways that depression affects me:

 

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  1. Feeling too much.
  2. Feeling nothing but flatness.
  3. Crying over kindness.
  4. Hating oneself so much.
  5. Wanting desperately to vanish.
  6. Hiding from it all.
  7. Lying in bed all day and not got the energy to move.
  8. Looking at the walls and losing track of time.
  9. Being in a crowded room and feeling so alone.
  10. Emptiness.
  11. Angry at everything.
  12. Feeling stuck.
  13. Recalling memories.
  14. Doubting everything.
  15. Reflecting everything.
  16. Wanting to sleep forever.
  17. Hating your spouse because they can just get up and go.
  18. Denying it all.
  19. Jealousy.
  20. Laughing so hard your neurotic.
  21. Moving from one extreme to the next.
  22. Obsessing about the what if’s.
  23. Isolating.
  24. Alone.
  25. Hopelessness.
  26. Despair.
  27. Fatigued.
  28. Insomniac.
  29. Loss.
  30. No desire for anything.

Cheers for reading. X

Single Mum Speaks

Beastly mind.

Hey readers,

I have bit recently and getting to that point where I feel like slipping into depression. I thought to help ease my over thinking I would write. I used to love writing poetry in my teens but became detached from it. I just writing impulsively but just forgot how much I love writing poetry. Even if it is shit it is very therapeutic.
Here is my poem:

Sometimes I just wanna drown away,
I am merely nothing but a miserable wreck,
My perfectionisms are killing me,
The only thing that keeps me going,
Is the anxities in my head.

I feel like I am on a loop,
Not knowing when to get off,
Each day is battle,
That is created in my head.

If it was easy would I be doing this,
I am not stupid,
My mind warped a ndwrapped around,
These obessions that hang over me,
Making me blind to reality.

You think I am attention seeker,
Maybe I am but all I really want is a blocker,
Someone to shut my mind up.

Each day I feel a battle,
I have to face on and on,
I don’t know where it will stop.

Some days are good,
I feel I conquer all,
Others are minutes of peace,
Before the requernst of this ugly beast.
I hate it as it paints a blackened image,
My pariona gets in the way,
The only fear now is the fear it’s going get me.

I have shared this on my blog, because I want to raise awareness about depression/ocd in parenthood. Obviously, there are some Bloggers out there who do amazing in sharing their experiences. Thank God makes it not so isolating and has encouraged me in fact to write this post. Now I be honest I was humming and harring whether to or not. Fear mainly as one the main driving forces is fear of failure and worrying about what people think about me. But alternatively I want to let someone see this and say yes I’m not alone.

Thank you for readingX

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