Why I am pro-child telly!

Hey readers,

For the past five years of being a mother my main obsession has been Television / entertainment. I have been rattled with guilt, paranoia to near destruction of what other people think, mainly because of the pressure of social media but also because I feel my autism is a downfall. Therefore, I need to score points of being ‘ better’ because of my inabilities in other areas.

telly

I would obsess so much that i could not think of anything else, I would not enjoy my time with my child and felt always on edge.

I felt that my child if they watched TV every single condition associated with allowing your child to watch TV they would get.

I would get annoyed at hubby being so relaxed with just turning the telly on and I am always on edge. My whole body aches from anxiety. I worry that I am a failure because I allow my child to watch TV.

But recently I have learnt to accept that you know what TV isn’t that bad. It can be enjoyable, I love good old Mr Bean.

kid tv

TV can have a positive effect it can help with my son’s speech delay, it can educate them or it can simply help my eldest wind down from when he gets in from school.

I have noticed that if I live the TV all day long thew kids get bored, they wonder off. They look for something to do and they happy play together or entertain themselves.

When I dropped the guilt and thought fuck it, as long as they are happy, fed and alive that is all that matters.

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It is not the end of the world, it is so hard for any more especially first time round to know what to do and how to deal with giving the right amount of input.

But hand on my heart I have found the more relaxed I am, the more relaxed everyone else is around me.

Sometimes, you have to accept what the situation is and yes sometimes the 43 inch  babysitter helps because I am struggling or just need a break.

We are all more happy when I adopt this attitude. Plus, my eldest watched very little TV and very likely autistic. my youngest watches a TV, more clear in speech and socialable and not likely autistic. What does that say?!

So, if your reading this, give yourself a break, you are properly doing fine and the more research shows us that more then ever are parents more engaged.

Cheers for reading X

 

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JakiJellz
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National picnic week 

Hey readers,

Apparently I have been told that this week is national picnic week so let’s celebrate this appreciate for all things picnicy!

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Firstly, as a parent picnic’s are a blessing because it means less tiding up for you as you leave the crumbs and check the paper plates in the bin, result!

You can pretend to be all fancy with your paper plates and napkins, there is a sense of sophistication (even if it is paper).

It is a great way to get out of mummy prison and less time having to focus on what the hell you going to do to entertain your child.

Any excuse for some ice-cream – let’s make this a number one priority when having a picnic.

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Picnic food can be finger food, which is my kinda food. It is lovely a spread out where you can take as you please, there is a sense of family and togetherness. You can bond and talk about life *cue sick bucket*.

Nothing says summer like eating out Al fresco in the open.

When your young it feels like an adventure and it is free in the fact that when it is winter and miserable you end up in soft play hell and a hole in your wallet.

It is good to have a change of scenery and doing something different. Parenting can become tedious doing the same thing day in, day out so it gives us parents a change to keep hold of your sanity.

picnic

Eating outside when the sun is shining is a quick way to top up on some Vitamin D, which has some health benefits with helping  your mind feel good.

Technically if the child/ren are outside they are running around during that energy off which means that they should sleep better, *fist pumps*.

Cheers for reading X

 

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PoCoLo

Reasons why the boy throws a fit

Hey readers,

Kids are funny creatures aren’t they, you think you sussed them but then something happens and you what!!!! Here are some classic examples where you really wish you could understand but just leaves you even more confused.

Now I have two children which causes some lovely moments but other times hell over really silly things such as why has he got his bed over their on the left side and they so badly want it.

moody

When you don’t give your child that colour plate they so desperately need or else there whole life will fall a part in that instance.

Major suck in having to hold hands with you because they so are grown up when walking home from school and feel they may look like a baby in front of their friends.

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The emotional breakdown lasting two weeks after Christmas and having the difficulty to understand that boxing day it ends, haha!

When they are overly tired and you look at them, the filthy look they give you thinking how very dare you look in my direction!

The million and one question where has the hand wash gone (even though it is right at the end) they still have to question you and interrogate you on the new hand wash. Why, it is just bloody hand wash brought from Poundland, it is even the same make for God sake.

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Having a breakdown that school is not on a Saturday because they so desperately want to go on that specific climbing frame even though you offered a visit to a better one at the park. It is just simply not good enough.

Having an almighty challenge of getting them into the bath and then later having to battle the tears and tantrums of not wanting to get out ever.

What kind of things baffle you as a parent?

Cheers for reading X

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Mummascribbles

Enlightment

Hey readers,

Sometimes, I feel shocked and how instinctive I become over my children. Even though I am autistic I always thought I would never match up with other other parents. I always felt that little bit different, like something is missing but I can’t find it. But then life surprises you at times, sometimes they are the best times, the unexpected situations that really blow you away.

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I find that when I am in the mist of self-doubt and uncertainty being in a situation to defend yourself and ultimately being emerged in it, some inner strength comes along and you can do it, if exposed to that situation.

You learn more things about yourself then you would ever imagine and sometimes it is that small victories hat can make you feel so much better. Therefore enabling me to create a better and  stronger attachment between myself and my children.

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You can almost forget what you can do because the brain and the thoughts are so distorted that it alters your reality.  Sometimes us mums are so hard on ourselves that it is barbaric the mental torture we put on ourselves. The sad thing is that I am doing ok, but sometimes with all the mixed messages out and about it can cause confusion, leaving you feel a little lost.

Then small nuggets of enlightenment can help you grow in your confidence in your ability to parent.  Ideally, I have always found that stepping away and giving yourself time to be without constantly listening to the noise. This can help give me that break to think more clearly.  Even if it is to just simply breakdown and have that time to just allow all them emotions escape. Sometimes, feelings can be built up so much that they can be real burden. So, allowing them to be expressed and getting it out of your system is really beneficial instead of it building up and weighing you down.

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I have always found that in one way or another you will find way, it may take time but you will grow. Just hold on through and that moment will pass, even though it feels like hell at the time.

Cheers for reading X

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Why are kids….

Hey readers,

Kids are still a mystery even after five years into motherhood this still have that ability to amaze me.

Why do kids produce so much snot, it just constantly streaming and if you think that is bad they wipe it on their sleeve and smear it all over their face or if you are really luckily they may share it with you, ewww!

Why do kids have a issue with sitting on their bottoms and constantly have ants in their pants.

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Why are kids more of a hinderance then a help with housework

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Why do kids always have sticky fingers.

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Why do kids always find talking about pooing, farting and their wellies so funny, seriously it is not that funny so please stop now!

Why do kids always have to be a rush with everything.Even getting  a pint of milk down the local shop, they do a bolt down the isle like it some Olympic sport.

kid-running

Why do kids always bounce on you first thing in the sodding morning when you are like a zombie and then for extra loveliness decide to lick face, why????

Why do kids ALWAYS do the fucking complete opposite of what you wish for, it is like they go out of their way to be an arse to you.

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Why do kids lie so blatantly obvious, “mummy I haven’t eaten chocolate” they say whilst looking at you with chocolate smeared all over their chops.

Cheers for reading X

What do you see 

I want the ground to swallow me up,

I see you all staring

Waging that finger.

Your judging eyes only see

What is in front of you

You can’t see the pain

Of wishing to vanish

To get away from this rubbish.

No one tells you in these

Parents classes,

How to be when your standing there

All alone in this mindfield

Of confusion and misery.

Days like today!

Hey readers,

I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.

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Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come  knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.

mojo

Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.

I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit.  But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t,  I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child

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 Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!

Cheers for reading X

Thoughts about In The Night Garden

Hey readers,
When you’re a parent you will end up watching kid’s programmes. You also get to think probably a bit too much about the programme itself. I know I have when I have watched In the Night Garden for the umpteenth time. I find ITNG such an interesting show as there say many ‘interesting’ observations I have made that I need to share them with you. So, where better than on my blog.

itng

Why is Iggle Piggle always desperate to get it off with Upsy Daisy, trying to get her to kiss her all the time? He seems to spend most of his time chasing Upsy Daisy and he has eveb been caught in her bed.

Upsy Daisy is a dick tease, with flashing her knickers to everyone, any change she can get she will be there pulling on that string.

The Tombliboos are such flashers aren’t they with, always having their pants fallen down or they really need a belt because they appear to be so loose.
I swear The Tombliboos house is made of pretzels.

One think I am defiantly sure about is The Tompliboos are from Liverpool, I mean come on who else where’s hair rollers when they are out and about all day long.

All the people who enter the Ninky Nonk they can be guaranteed to be getting pissed drinking cocktail fishbowls, no wonder they are falling all over the place.

The pontipines are TOTAL bitches, seriously all they ever do is gossip all day long when they are not trying to lose their children.

Have you noticed that the Wottingers have the same amount of children as pontipines ? Is it strange or just a coincidence.

The social services definitely need to pop in and have a chat with the mum and dad Pontipines because they don’t care about the safety of their kids. I have witnessed the some of the children outside on top of the Ninky Nonk. Whilst the other children inside the Ninky Nonk don’t bother with a seat belt. Clearly the parents don’t give a rat’s arse about their safety.

The Pontipines parents are not very nice to their children, when they eat dinner they always eat dessert whilst their poor children eat grobbles, unfair much?! Also, the parents go home without their children, taking no responsibility for them at all.

Where the creators of INTG on drugs coming up with the idea of haahoos, they are so fucking scary. Super large, bright coloured inflatable, weird sounding and moving closer and closer to come and get you.

Macca Pacca clearly is suffering from OCD, not only is he cleaning all the time but he is obsessed with stones, stacking them and actually sleeping with one stone each night in his bed.

Macca Pacca looks lost and lonely wondering around ITNG, where are his parents? Is that why he is suffering with mental illness?

The most hilarious thing about ITNG is the perspective, for example Macca Pacca is super small in the Ninky Nonk compared to Upsy Daisy. Then when Macca Pacca and Upsy Daisy are chatting outside in the greeny they are so much closer in height.

Why does that ball never stop bouncing, I mean come on.

SO, as you can see INTG has a lot of talking topics and make question what the fuck is going on.

Cheers for reading X

Mummy prison 

Hey readers

 

I hate days like this when my inner demons attack me.

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I don’t know whether it is because I’m autistic or just dealing with general mummy guilt but it is hear loud today it feels like hell.

No one ever tells you about the constant relentless, boring and repetitive things that you have to do in motherhood.

I am so tired and having to think outside the box and that feeling of dreadness where you just want everyone to stop because the noise and pressure feels like it is going to explode.

I’ve got this anxiety in my throat today and feels like a pulling sensation, a reminder to myself that the anxiety is there eating away at me. The anxiety is more prominent when I am most venerable. I’m scared I want to run away. I don’t know whether I can do this and the self-doubt is here with me. I don’t know how other parents manage to cope with the demands of being a stay home parent but for me at the moment it is somewhat challenging.

However, I would be totally screwed if I didn’t have my husband as my carer and my kids will probably be taken into care. That is a big fear and again fuels this notion in my head that I am not good enough as a parent.
I am my own worst enemy and the biggest judge. I’ve let myself down, I do all the things that I said pre-children I wouldn’t do. I put the TV on too much let my son’s play on the tablet, I give them chocolate!!!!

struggle

Why can’t I give myself a break? Why do I have these thoughts in my head constantly doubting myself as a parent and hating myself? I dread the long hours ahead of me, looking at clock, ticking away!

All I ever see is stuff on Instagram with pictures of everything looking so pretty and perfect motherhood. I’m not that just me today feels like hell and I’m writing this open me because I don’t care anymore but my head is you know what brain f*** you!

Give me a break I need a break ok. I live in a flat and can’t even go to my escape room at the moment I know I’m autistic I can’t deal with long periods of time why the f*** did I have children I don’t know any more I just wish my brain would shut the f*** off!

Cheers for reading X

Parenting is hard at times

Hey readers,

Today I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away from the world. I have had a really difficult day looking after a really energetic child. It didn’t help that when walking into town my son decided all he wanted to do was just scream most of the way and chanting that he wants daddy. It is unbelievably exhausting especially as I am so sensitive to hearing because of my autism.

Then in the afternoon I just constantly had to deal with this mental  battle in my head that if I am not entertaining my child 24/7 then somehow I am a rubbish parent. It is a constant battle that occurs in my own head and the sad thing is, is that it is all made by me. No one has told me that I am rubbish, it is just me putting so much pressure on myself, probably some guilt around being autistic and having shortfalls that other parents don’t have to deal with. However, today my anxiety is so high that I am left with a killer headache because I am so tense from my self-inflicted anxiety. I have already had a panic attack and sometimes when so bad I am fearful social services will come and take my child of me simply because I had the TV on to much or I am a bit rubbish at communicating.  It sounds silly writing this down but at the time them fears are real and frightening.

Why is it so hard to find a middle ground, I suppose this is always my problem never really reaching that right balance of moderation. I have always been extreme because that is just simply the way my brain is wired. I am all or nothing, so naturally it would seem down into my parenting. I think because a lot of things is down to not communicating and no ‘rules’ as such I find it difficulty to manage. All the things that I am good at are structure based and have a step-to-step system, it is what I excel at. I am not good at ambiguous. I never have and I don’t think I will ever have the skills no matter how many times I try. SO, basically I need to accept me for who  I am and instead of putting me down, embrace them skills and use them to my advantage,. I think this is one of the biggest learning curves for me as an autistic parent to master.

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But I will say truefully with having such energetic child who will not sit still or does not want to engage in anything longer then five minutes is tough. Especially, when at times where I am by myself and feel like constantly breaking down with fear of how am I going to get past the next three hours?
I hope this stage gets easier and that I can relax and enjoy parenting a bit more and less of a pain in the arse chore that I have to get through.

I feel awful for writing this but this is the truth, this is how I feel at times. Don’t get me wrong other times parenting feels like a breeze especially when there is another parent to help out. But currently with my 3 years old child you it is solid work and really has an ability to have a knack at pushing my buttons.

Cheers for reading X