The day in the life of a depressive

Hey readers,

Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.

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This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.

Then my brain reminds  me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.

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The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being  stuck  in a situation that I have no  control over.

Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to  be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.

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But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.

Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.

You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.

Cheers for reading X

Ways to help you improve your mental health

Hey readers,

I suffer from anxiety/depression and sometimes it is hard to get on with life when you are sucked into the vicious cycle of self hatred. But sometimes doing the smallest of things to make life nicer for yourself can make a huge difference. Here are some ways that I will discuss in this post that have helped me.

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First one is being kind to yourself, easier said then done but sometimes we can be our own worse critic. We beat ourselves up and if anyone in the same situation came to us I bet we wouldn’t speak to them thew way we speak to ourselves. Be kinder and accept that somethings our out of control. We are doing the best or doing what we can in that situation.

I have noticed that life particularly as a parent can feel like a wheel that constantly goes around and around, doing the same thing in and out each day without any change. Sometimes, change is good and what better way to do it then breaking the monotony up of your day. It could be something simple like going for a walk to a coffee shop, can make a huge difference to your day because it is a change of  scenery.

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Another way to make you feel better about yourself is doing some volunteer, as you get the sense that you are valued for your time and services. Not to mention the feeling that you as a person are giving something valuable like your time for the better good will bring a feel good factor. It could potential help built your self confidence in making you more worthwhile doing something positive and taking action.

A really productive way to help with your mental health is when you can ask for  help and don’t feel ashamed as no man is an island. I have always found this one different myself as I have been brought to not ask for help but now and again I do ask and you no what it makes a massive difference. You also shouldn’t feel ashamed but proud for doing something that can make your situation better. Your not weak because of asking but strong for recognising that you need help, no one can do it all by themselves.

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Sometimes, we can get caught up in our thoughts and just sit there ruminating on them causing us to be in a worse mood. I find that taking time out for yourself and doing something that you enjoy is really beneficial. It doesn’t  have to be something grand it could be just going for a walk, taking photos or even colouring but it has the benefits of helping you relax and distract yourself away form the negative thoughts.

This is so cliche but I am going to throw it in as I read a lot recently that blogging is really positive for your mental wellbeing. Firstly, you have platform to write your feelings which can bring real cathartic . Secondly, your helping others who may be similar situations feel less alone and you never you may make friends.

Cheers for reading X

What does depression look like

Hey readers,

Below is a picture of myself taken today.

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You could say I just look a normal everyday person minus her eyes being shut. You don’t think oh my God she looks like she has depression because you know what I do.

People always assume that if you are smiley or cheery then somehow you can not possibly experience depression. Well news flash you can and furthermore it can strike at any age, background  or social mobility status, because depression doesn’t pick who it wants to cause this nightmare mess inside your brain.

Anyone can experience it, at any time in their life. It can last weeks or years and definitely something that you can not physically measure, much to the disapproval of the government.

My point being is that some days I laugh, I cry, I hate and dread and all the other messy emotions that life has to bring. But also I have this mental battle, some days are OK and I manage. Other periods are short spells and then if there is too much stress in my life then can be several months where the black dog doesn’t sod off. He creeps around like a stalker catching me every time I am venerable or exposed to stresses in life. It sucks and there is nothing I can do but plot on. For me it is a chemical inbalance mixed with stress and managing with my autism. It sucks and yes I smile but please be aware that I can mask like the rest of them.

We need to stop presuming that depression only affects certain people and that it is more grey then black with how it is presenting to the outside world. So just be mindful that there maybe someone smiling but deep down they are internally dying and hating everything that their life is.

Cheers for reading X

Why are you depressed

Hey readers,

I watched an interview on YouTube just now on itv on Lorraine Kelly’s show. It was an interview with Fearne Cotton speaking openly about depression. Lorraine made a commend  that REALLY, REALLY, REALLY PISSED ME OFF!  It was a conversation talking about Fearne’s friendship with a friend who was dealing with breast cancer called Chris.

The conversation went like this with Lorraine saying, ‘when your thinking about yourself and moaning about this, that and the next thing, think about what that girl has gone through and the bravery of her’.

I mean I don’t even know where to start on this, as a person who battles with depression it is appalling quite sad to hear such negativity and stigma. Fearne came on the show to discuss depression and instantly got belittled and somehow got treated as her illness was nothing compared to a physical illness,  due to silly comments like  the above made by Lorraine. 

Depression is an illness let’s bear that in the mind and how dare Lorraine to dumb down the experience to simply just moaning about life.People have killed themselves because their depression is so severe. No wonder no one talks about it when we get this stigma for moaning and that how dare we have a shit time.

I don’t doubt having breast cancer is hell but please Lorraine don’t trump one condition with another. They are completely different and if anyone is watching the interview whilst battling depression will only make them feel worse when you get the comments made by Lorraine. To view depression as moaning  will only make the depressive  feel more shit and less likely to talk. Because we depressives are so selfish arn’t we, always thinking about me. Well most depressives don’t talk because they are too ashamed due to the ridicule. That interview just showed it and Loorraine you let us all down.

Each day is a battle to get up with the turmoil of our inner mind, we are fighting to live. We are brave because we wake up and fight another day. The more we break down the fact that depression is nothing but moaning the better.

We should talk about depression openly and understand that it is ok to feel shit and hopeless. Sometimes we are happy and  masking everything. Don’t make assumptions that we are sitting around moaning, there could be a person in the workplace right now and you would not notice. 

With depression it is not just sitting there, it is more complex, more emotions then just sad.

One last thing before you judge think twice about making judgements of a person. That person might be going through hell  each day trying to fit in this shity, judgey society that we live in. 

Least not forget congratulations on Fearne for speaking out on such a taboo subject, especially when you are a mum. 

Cheers for reading X

Depression is…

Hey readers,

Here is some of the ways that depression affects me:

 

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  1. Feeling too much.
  2. Feeling nothing but flatness.
  3. Crying over kindness.
  4. Hating oneself so much.
  5. Wanting desperately to vanish.
  6. Hiding from it all.
  7. Lying in bed all day and not got the energy to move.
  8. Looking at the walls and losing track of time.
  9. Being in a crowded room and feeling so alone.
  10. Emptiness.
  11. Angry at everything.
  12. Feeling stuck.
  13. Recalling memories.
  14. Doubting everything.
  15. Reflecting everything.
  16. Wanting to sleep forever.
  17. Hating your spouse because they can just get up and go.
  18. Denying it all.
  19. Jealousy.
  20. Laughing so hard your neurotic.
  21. Moving from one extreme to the next.
  22. Obsessing about the what if’s.
  23. Isolating.
  24. Alone.
  25. Hopelessness.
  26. Despair.
  27. Fatigued.
  28. Insomniac.
  29. Loss.
  30. No desire for anything.

Cheers for reading. X

Single Mum Speaks

Motivation

Hey readers,

 

Have not written any poetry for awhile and tonight felt inspired to type away. So without further ado here is the poem.

 

 

Motivation where are you?

I need you here with me right now.

I’m lost and I don,t know where to go.

You’ve gone and left me to my own devices.

why did you have to go and vanish?

I am nothing now but a mess.

I wished I listened and acted,

Instead of hiding and wishing it all away.

you were my only friend I could rely on.

Now I am silently alone again.

No one hears my cries,

The battle with me and mind

We argue like cats and dogs,

But with you around I could escape,

Forget about them dark thoughts,

Emerge myself in some sort of work.

So please come back.

I promise to listen,

No one pushes me in speed mode,

Or gets me like you do.

Please come back.

I promise I will listen.

You are my friend and guided light.

Without you I am nothing mere a mess.

 

Cheers for reading X

 

 

Prose for Thought

Ten misconceptions about anxiety 

Hey readers,
I am autistic and anxiety seems to go hand in hand with the condition most of the time. So I have had some personal experience of the condition.

But we all suffer from anxiety in various degrees. In actual fact it is natural and at times very helpful. The downfall is if anxiety is prolonged and has a significant impairment on your mental health it can evolve into a anxiety disorder. Therefore being a REAL condition.
A lot of people seen to have an opinion on the common condition of anxiety. I want to breakdown some of them myths associated with anxiety.
1) Over acting – I know there are some people out there who think people who suffer with anxiety are being over the top in dramatics. I can tell you there is nothing more hellish then suffering with anxiety and feeling like you have lost control. I don’t know anyone who would want populise anxiety. I do my best to run away from the situation and shut down. I feel embarrassed and don’t want people to see me being so weak. Not to mention how exhausting it is mentally and physically.

2) Having anxiety is nothing – trust me it is your own worst battle and so hard to keep up what is the truth. You self doubt everything and feels like a constant battlee with your thoughts inside your own mind that you can not run away from. It is very scary at times and feel like you are stuck feeling like this anxious state will be with you forever.

3) Relates to childhood – OK anxiety can be down to childhood experiences partly in some causes. Though that does not always have to be the case. Personally I can get anxious over the situation as a result of how my autistic brain is wired. It responds different to new situations  and I automatically get anxious regardless of how many times I have had successful experiences trying something new. I still go into pilot mode of fear.  I was born with Autism and it is something that wont go away but I can make small steps to change and try to manage better my anxiety.

Also people develop anxiety when they are older maybe from bullying or stressful situation and causing anxiety. There are so many reasons why people have anxiety that you can’t possibly pinpoint it on one theory.

4) Just forget about it – well if only it was that simple. I mean don’t get me wrong distraction techniques can help but it can take time to manage anxiety that it is not a simple case of forgetting it. For me my anxieties happen when I am sleep so even though I try to sleep to escape, I still can’t run way from it in my unconscious state. 

Sometimes it can take a long time to recover depending on the situation. I am not always aware I am anxious and just have the physiological symptoms rather then the classic thoughts.

5) Anxiety is a choice – this to me seems a crazy thought. Though at times it can be scary to adapt new changes. The prospect of trying something new especially when it comes to therapy is is daughting. It can be so easy to stay in the situation as it is safe and even though it is hell you know what is happening. That doesn’t mean you want to live in the hell, it means your scared. Especially if you have lived with anxiety for years it is hard to visualise changes when old habits have developed abd formed for so long. Which kinda links with point four where it does take time and sometimes can’t sort the problem our straight away.

6) Just take a pill and get over it. No if only it was that easy. For a fact it doesn’t cure the anxiety. It helps take the edge of the feeling and can help make you think more clearer bur you still have the anxiety. You still have to work at it and it takes time for medication to kick in. Also as we are different with different genetic makeup what works for one person might not work for another when taking medication as we are all different.

8) Illogical people have anxiety. Ok with anxiety it does distort your thoughts but it does not mean to say that the individual is an illogical person. You could normally be brilliant at balancing out reason but one area of your life is unevenly balanced. You can be brilliant at giving alternative explications to friends problems but totally unrealistic about your own.

9) Anxiety only affects anxiously natured people. False like anything anxiety can strike anyone regardless of background, personality or wealth. Just because you are socially confident does not mean to say you don’t experience anxiety. That person maybe be just better at masking it.

10) You pass out when you have a panic attack. Actually you don’t because you have an increased heart rate due to the panic therefore you will not pass out. Even though at times I have wanted to your body is in such a state of alert it doesn’t want to shutdown. It wants to be awake to protect you from any danger.

 

I hope this has helped people get a better understanding of anxiety. As you  can tell it is a very complex disorder that experienced by many different people and in different ways. That is why there are so many different anxiety disorders.

 

cheers for reading X

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