It’s OK to not be OK

Hey readers,

Today I wondered into town on a hot Saturday. The atmosphere was busy, people everywhere. Both things I am not very good at.

I appreciate that this is standard, I aimed to go to the supermarket to do shopping. I got half way there and had a funny turn. Don’t worry it is my anxiety based symptom. I have social anxiety and today it reminded me that it was there. I am not invisible, maybe a naive thinking I am better then I actually am when in reality some days are tough.

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I think sometimes I forget that being in recovery from mental health problems is a rocky road and it is not simply just black and white. It takes as long as it takes, some days are better then others. It may take years  to recovery or it might be something I have to live with and manage. I think as a person dealing with social anxiety it is really quite hard to remember that life isn’t linear and it is quite messy.

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It is so easy for me to put pressure on to get get to the end but sometimes you have to just accept the fact that you are not ok and you know what that is ok. I also feel when you discuss mental health with others who may not have experienced it or have a different experience to yourself their ‘helpful’ advice is really not that. They put their frustrations on you and there is so much pressure to ‘pull yourself together’.

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These expectations that you should instantly find a magic cure especially when you have a label as such you sense that patience runs so thin. People don’t see mental health like physical, ok mental health awareness has improved but not the acceptance. People thing by changing your attitude it will instantly get rid  it doesn’t work like that. It is something that you have to  constantly work at it and you can be so hard on yourself. You forget that it is your journey and some days are just rough. It is ok to say you know what today is a shit day, sometime we have them. I am going to say quite controversially that sometimes it can be good to have a bad day because it gives you change to reflect and appreciate the good stuff.

Cheers for reading X

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The day in the life of a depressive

Hey readers,

Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.

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This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.

Then my brain reminds  me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.

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The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being  stuck  in a situation that I have no  control over.

Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to  be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.

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But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.

Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.

You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.

Cheers for reading X

Ways to help you improve your mental health

Hey readers,

I suffer from anxiety/depression and sometimes it is hard to get on with life when you are sucked into the vicious cycle of self hatred. But sometimes doing the smallest of things to make life nicer for yourself can make a huge difference. Here are some ways that I will discuss in this post that have helped me.

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First one is being kind to yourself, easier said then done but sometimes we can be our own worse critic. We beat ourselves up and if anyone in the same situation came to us I bet we wouldn’t speak to them thew way we speak to ourselves. Be kinder and accept that somethings our out of control. We are doing the best or doing what we can in that situation.

I have noticed that life particularly as a parent can feel like a wheel that constantly goes around and around, doing the same thing in and out each day without any change. Sometimes, change is good and what better way to do it then breaking the monotony up of your day. It could be something simple like going for a walk to a coffee shop, can make a huge difference to your day because it is a change of  scenery.

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Another way to make you feel better about yourself is doing some volunteer, as you get the sense that you are valued for your time and services. Not to mention the feeling that you as a person are giving something valuable like your time for the better good will bring a feel good factor. It could potential help built your self confidence in making you more worthwhile doing something positive and taking action.

A really productive way to help with your mental health is when you can ask for  help and don’t feel ashamed as no man is an island. I have always found this one different myself as I have been brought to not ask for help but now and again I do ask and you no what it makes a massive difference. You also shouldn’t feel ashamed but proud for doing something that can make your situation better. Your not weak because of asking but strong for recognising that you need help, no one can do it all by themselves.

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Sometimes, we can get caught up in our thoughts and just sit there ruminating on them causing us to be in a worse mood. I find that taking time out for yourself and doing something that you enjoy is really beneficial. It doesn’t  have to be something grand it could be just going for a walk, taking photos or even colouring but it has the benefits of helping you relax and distract yourself away form the negative thoughts.

This is so cliche but I am going to throw it in as I read a lot recently that blogging is really positive for your mental wellbeing. Firstly, you have platform to write your feelings which can bring real cathartic . Secondly, your helping others who may be similar situations feel less alone and you never you may make friends.

Cheers for reading X

What does depression look like

Hey readers,

Below is a picture of myself taken today.

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You could say I just look a normal everyday person minus her eyes being shut. You don’t think oh my God she looks like she has depression because you know what I do.

People always assume that if you are smiley or cheery then somehow you can not possibly experience depression. Well news flash you can and furthermore it can strike at any age, background  or social mobility status, because depression doesn’t pick who it wants to cause this nightmare mess inside your brain.

Anyone can experience it, at any time in their life. It can last weeks or years and definitely something that you can not physically measure, much to the disapproval of the government.

My point being is that some days I laugh, I cry, I hate and dread and all the other messy emotions that life has to bring. But also I have this mental battle, some days are OK and I manage. Other periods are short spells and then if there is too much stress in my life then can be several months where the black dog doesn’t sod off. He creeps around like a stalker catching me every time I am venerable or exposed to stresses in life. It sucks and there is nothing I can do but plot on. For me it is a chemical inbalance mixed with stress and managing with my autism. It sucks and yes I smile but please be aware that I can mask like the rest of them.

We need to stop presuming that depression only affects certain people and that it is more grey then black with how it is presenting to the outside world. So just be mindful that there maybe someone smiling but deep down they are internally dying and hating everything that their life is.

Cheers for reading X

Why are you depressed

Hey readers,

I watched an interview on YouTube just now on itv on Lorraine Kelly’s show. It was an interview with Fearne Cotton speaking openly about depression. Lorraine made a commend  that REALLY, REALLY, REALLY PISSED ME OFF!  It was a conversation talking about Fearne’s friendship with a friend who was dealing with breast cancer called Chris.

The conversation went like this with Lorraine saying, ‘when your thinking about yourself and moaning about this, that and the next thing, think about what that girl has gone through and the bravery of her’.

I mean I don’t even know where to start on this, as a person who battles with depression it is appalling quite sad to hear such negativity and stigma. Fearne came on the show to discuss depression and instantly got belittled and somehow got treated as her illness was nothing compared to a physical illness,  due to silly comments like  the above made by Lorraine. 

Depression is an illness let’s bear that in the mind and how dare Lorraine to dumb down the experience to simply just moaning about life.People have killed themselves because their depression is so severe. No wonder no one talks about it when we get this stigma for moaning and that how dare we have a shit time.

I don’t doubt having breast cancer is hell but please Lorraine don’t trump one condition with another. They are completely different and if anyone is watching the interview whilst battling depression will only make them feel worse when you get the comments made by Lorraine. To view depression as moaning  will only make the depressive  feel more shit and less likely to talk. Because we depressives are so selfish arn’t we, always thinking about me. Well most depressives don’t talk because they are too ashamed due to the ridicule. That interview just showed it and Loorraine you let us all down.

Each day is a battle to get up with the turmoil of our inner mind, we are fighting to live. We are brave because we wake up and fight another day. The more we break down the fact that depression is nothing but moaning the better.

We should talk about depression openly and understand that it is ok to feel shit and hopeless. Sometimes we are happy and  masking everything. Don’t make assumptions that we are sitting around moaning, there could be a person in the workplace right now and you would not notice. 

With depression it is not just sitting there, it is more complex, more emotions then just sad.

One last thing before you judge think twice about making judgements of a person. That person might be going through hell  each day trying to fit in this shity, judgey society that we live in. 

Least not forget congratulations on Fearne for speaking out on such a taboo subject, especially when you are a mum. 

Cheers for reading X