Those that make the loudest noise get heard. I know this totally the opposite of a similar saying and agree that you don’t always have to make the biggest noise. However, in some situations, you need to speak out and make that bloody noise to be noticed. This is a lesson that has taken me years to work out. I used to be reserved, even on my blog I worry about what to write and scared that if I am too honest people won’t like it.
I suffer from mental health conditions (OCD, anxiety, depression, social anxiety) and some of the thoughts that I have scared people. Living with mental illness is a very dark place to be and them thoughts that are taboo, I have to live with every single day. The kind of thoughts I have is thinking about not being here, the world be better off without me, I can’t cope anymore I just want to die. I dread getting up and having to get through another day. This is real life for me, it’s not pretty, it’s tough and I don’t chose to feel this crap if I could wave a magic wand I would be there like a shoot. I want to be More open and raw on my blog because that is what I like to read from others. I am not looking for solutions or sympathy, it is just my little place to express myself. Sometimes, just writing it down can be so cathartic and really beneficial, instead of bottling it in.
I need to stop feeling so ashamed or worry I talk about anxiety or depression a lot. because you know what it is there in my life a lot. It is part of me so naturally is one my biggest influences on the content I make. One major thing I worry about is being open about my mental health on my blog and then maybe at a later date not getting a job because of it.
I think this conservative sort of keeping quiet and carry on mentality stems from childhood and the way I was brought. My earlier years I was brought a Roman Catholic which is pretty hardcore.
So, I am slowly changing my thought processes and the way I communicate. It may not be to everyone’s cup of tea but someone may stumble across it appreciate that they do have similar feelings they are not alone. Mental health is very isolating and gets bad press because you know I have come across people that think I am being a drama queen, but accepting that is OK. The more we talk about mental illness the better chance of breaking down the stigma. I believe that mental health should be treated equally the same as physical health.
Cheers for reading X
Christmas can be a difficult time for some, I for one struggle with depression and anxiety, I know I am not the only one. Here are few things to bear in my mind when you are depressed.
1) When you are feeling low, you feel like you are the only person to being going through hell. But remember that you are not alone, in fact approximately 1 in 4 people experience mental health problems in the uk each year. Did you know that mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental health disorder in Britain?! That speaks volumes really!
2) Remember it is ok not to be and sometimes dwelling in sadness is acceptable. Like wise asking for help, taking bills or going to therapy are also acceptable. We are all different, experiment and use what works for you. Don’t be ashamed as there is so many people seeking out different ways to manage.
3) Don’t aim to cure, it is more important to manage and find strategies that help reduce the feelings. Of course, in an ideal world I would love to get rid of my depression etc but the changes are slim. I am not rejected the fact I can’t overcome it, I am more trying to accept what I have got, taken the pressure of and taking one day at a time. No one really knows what is around the corner, so just being present in the moment is much more realistic way of thinking.
4) Don’t ignore how you feel, sweeping under the carpet won’t make it go away. I have been guilty in the past and have learnt the hard way when the illness will creep up on you, there is only so much hiding you can do until eventually you will crack. It is better to deal with the situation now then later when it is much bigger and more difficult to manage.
Today I wondered into town on a hot Saturday. The atmosphere was busy, people everywhere. Both things I am not very good at.
I appreciate that this is standard, I aimed to go to the supermarket to do shopping. I got half way there and had a funny turn. Don’t worry it is my anxiety based symptom. I have social anxiety and today it reminded me that it was there. I am not invisible, maybe a naive thinking I am better then I actually am when in reality some days are tough.
I think sometimes I forget that being in recovery from mental health problems is a rocky road and it is not simply just black and white. It takes as long as it takes, some days are better then others. It may take years to recovery or it might be something I have to live with and manage. I think as a person dealing with social anxiety it is really quite hard to remember that life isn’t linear and it is quite messy.
It is so easy for me to put pressure on to get get to the end but sometimes you have to just accept the fact that you are not ok and you know what that is ok. I also feel when you discuss mental health with others who may not have experienced it or have a different experience to yourself their ‘helpful’ advice is really not that. They put their frustrations on you and there is so much pressure to ‘pull yourself together’.
These expectations that you should instantly find a magic cure especially when you have a label as such you sense that patience runs so thin. People don’t see mental health like physical, ok mental health awareness has improved but not the acceptance. People thing by changing your attitude it will instantly get rid it doesn’t work like that. It is something that you have to constantly work at it and you can be so hard on yourself. You forget that it is your journey and some days are just rough. It is ok to say you know what today is a shit day, sometime we have them. I am going to say quite controversially that sometimes it can be good to have a bad day because it gives you change to reflect and appreciate the good stuff.
Cheers for reading X
Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.
This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.
Then my brain reminds me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.
The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being stuck in a situation that I have no control over.
Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.
But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.
Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.
You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.
Cheers for reading X
I suffer from anxiety/depression and sometimes it is hard to get on with life when you are sucked into the vicious cycle of self hatred. But sometimes doing the smallest of things to make life nicer for yourself can make a huge difference. Here are some ways that I will discuss in this post that have helped me.
First one is being kind to yourself, easier said then done but sometimes we can be our own worse critic. We beat ourselves up and if anyone in the same situation came to us I bet we wouldn’t speak to them thew way we speak to ourselves. Be kinder and accept that somethings our out of control. We are doing the best or doing what we can in that situation.
I have noticed that life particularly as a parent can feel like a wheel that constantly goes around and around, doing the same thing in and out each day without any change. Sometimes, change is good and what better way to do it then breaking the monotony up of your day. It could be something simple like going for a walk to a coffee shop, can make a huge difference to your day because it is a change of scenery.
Another way to make you feel better about yourself is doing some volunteer, as you get the sense that you are valued for your time and services. Not to mention the feeling that you as a person are giving something valuable like your time for the better good will bring a feel good factor. It could potential help built your self confidence in making you more worthwhile doing something positive and taking action.
A really productive way to help with your mental health is when you can ask for help and don’t feel ashamed as no man is an island. I have always found this one different myself as I have been brought to not ask for help but now and again I do ask and you no what it makes a massive difference. You also shouldn’t feel ashamed but proud for doing something that can make your situation better. Your not weak because of asking but strong for recognising that you need help, no one can do it all by themselves.
Sometimes, we can get caught up in our thoughts and just sit there ruminating on them causing us to be in a worse mood. I find that taking time out for yourself and doing something that you enjoy is really beneficial. It doesn’t have to be something grand it could be just going for a walk, taking photos or even colouring but it has the benefits of helping you relax and distract yourself away form the negative thoughts.
This is so cliche but I am going to throw it in as I read a lot recently that blogging is really positive for your mental wellbeing. Firstly, you have platform to write your feelings which can bring real cathartic . Secondly, your helping others who may be similar situations feel less alone and you never you may make friends.
Cheers for reading X