Autistic adulting sucks!

Hey readers,

I hate people, seriously all they ever seems to do is be fake it. Why can’t people be honest and just tell the truth because you think it hurts peoples feelings. But here is the thing I already know so don’t pussy around the subject.

It sucks being autistic, the constant rejection of people, pretending to be nice when really they don’t give two monkeys.

stranded

I am sick of it and sick of this world that I live in. It doesn’t help I am stuck in places where people don’t really know where to put me. Let’s face facts first impressions count and no one likes the awkwardness of the autistic people, it is much easier to just deny us the opportunity. Even though us autistic people would so bloody hard, more so then the average person because we have to,i t’s a fight to fit in when your just totally failing on the outside. I feel lost and I don’t belong, this place feels lonely. Sometimes, I just can’t face it anymore but once again you have to find the strength to get back up again even though you are plummeting into a dark, dark place.

lost

It sucks to have to undergo interviews when clearly they are not autistic friendly and again I feel like my needs are met.  Don’t you understand us autistic people can’t cope with question after question without getting burnt out, not to mention the social interaction, it takes all our resources to get through it to then be told that actually we are not looking for people at the moment. But why put me through this hell, what you really mean is your not a suitable candidate, just be honest, at least I know where I stand. Right now I feel insulted and taken for a full. It took all my energy to get out my comfort zone and I am devastated. It really does suck because of the effort I but into these things but never get the opportunities, I don’t know why I bother.

darkness

Even as an adult I am always dealt with the hand of rejection and you know what people it sucks, big time for us autistic people to be treated like this. I am just thankful for my blog as it is an outlet when other times I can not muster the words to anyone the pain I am battling everyday. Rant over!

Cheers for reading

d

ethannevelyn.com
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Twin Mummy and Daddy
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Shouty Mummy

Hey readers,

Today I lost my cool, I have had enough of bickering, the noise, my  anxiety and just generaal fucking life. I scream becuase I can’t cope, I don’t know what to say to husband, who trys be the reasoner, who quite frankly pisses me off becuase he is better then I will ever be.

I am useless, all the parent training, all the promises have gone straight out of the windown yet again. I am full of shit.

I can’t communicate anything to anyone, I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. I mean  honestly who gives a fuck about mega bricks.

I am angry at the kids, at the husband at me for losing a stupid letter. I misplace everything and can’t get it together. My life has fallen apart at this moment.

I never get anything right, I make empty promises.

I try to be calm next time,

I try to listen next time,

Instead I am full of wasted air.

I try not to let my anxiety get in the way and do stupid activities that are not ideal or convenient because I  can’t be rational. I can’t work things out like most people can. I have to do something then and not later. I push, push, push! Story.Of.My.Life.

I lose my shit, get angry have a meltdown and escape to my bedroom leaving everything like a world war there zone and my husband can deal with the aftermath of my force.

I am a useless piece of shit that expects too much from everyone. I have no patience, I am too literal and always fuck up! I constantly question why I had children, am I fit mother and just dealth everything I do. I find it hard to imagine how breeze through parenthood whereas I feel a total mess at each stage of the journey.

This is me.
Thanks for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks

Secondary Primary Caregiver

Hey readers,

This week has been somewhat challenging. My son has been sick and my routine has been changed. I am autistic therefore find change difficult, not to mention long periods of time with my children is hard and mentally draining for me.

Now I do have my husband as my carer due to my disability. As we are both are at home we can split the care if we wish. It allows me to have a break . However,  when I do I feel  a break I am left feeling dreadful and guilty.

Why do I feel like this? well, because I feel I am not competent in being an adequate mother. I fee like a failure, maybe it is because I feel like I have been conditioned to feel like this.

I know there was an interesting drama on the telly some time ago, reflecting on real life situations of parents who are disabled and the fear of social services taking their children away.

I worry about what happens when my husband, God forbid dies in an accident, would social services take my children away? In one sense I would be doing more jobs like cooking etc. So, maybe I may just deal with it and I wouldn’t have as much time to think and reflect, therefore not feeling as bad.

One professional who I discussed my  fears with regarding the situation about if hubby dies. She was very comforting with her words, saying that I would just deal with the situation and readjust to a new routine. I probably get some additional help. She works closely with social services and worked with other individuals with additional needs. She did say I had to be really bad to get my children taken off me. She knew that I worked really hard, open to professionals and I wasn’t as bad as I feel inside my own head.

Why do I feel scared then? I feel that I am autistic and Like I would be judged for my downfalls, even though sometimes my autism can enhance my parenting!

The guilt eats away at me, I feel I should be working that bit more harder as an autistic parent to make up for my incompetence. I feel I should focus more on my child. Of course there are times when my husband is not around and I look after both children and funnily enough there is nothing bad that happened.

It is the battle I feel that I have to fight every single day. I dread some days because it is only me who is beating myself mentally for not being good enough parent. I feel as I am secondary care giver and that my role is not good enough. Even though I working my ass off and having to do more things consciously that others would take it like water of a ducks back. I blame myself for having to have breaks and not for feeling better after. The guilt that I should be enjoying being with my child and not wanting to escape. But at times that is just what I want to do. Escape form the noise and having to focus all my attention on the child. Having to work overtime to plan and to perform in the correct manner. It is so exhausting and sometimes I just want to stop thinking.

Sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of being a parent because of my autism. I will influence there development and if anything goes wrong then I blame myself for not being good enough.  It is easy to get in this cycle especially if you have low self worth. You feel isolated as there is not enough support for autistic parenting. We don’t fall under the mental health or learning disabilities section, meaning that we are stranded, stuck and confused. That is how I feel. Being in a neurotypical world I am constantly battling and sometimes it is just my thoughts, other times I feel there are real barriers that hinder my performance.

Cheers for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks
Spectrum Sunday

Anti- Homework

Hey readers,

One of the things that pisses me off about school is sending children home with homework. Firstly, I believe we should stop homework because kids have a long day at school learning, why then come home to do even more work. Let’s give children a break and allow them to play and let them wind down. I think if the child has to constantly be meeting deadlines to get work completed then it could  lead to lose of enthusiasm to learn. I know that people are more willing to learn when they are less under pressure.There is the risk of cheating by copying each others work in order to get the work done.Therefore getting rewarded for false work which really doesn’t help anyone in the long term.

How much arguments are meet through parents having to deal with an additional responsibility of getting the kids motivated to complete their work. There is not enough time in the evening and it can cause potential fiction between child and parent.Homework reduces the amount of family time spend together, it is important to have quality time with the family and to socialise.

A different reason for being against homework is that the child for a large. portion of the school day is sedentary. So, to come home and then be made to sit down for even more time is not really good when instead they could be having fun and doing some physical exercise.

There is no real link that homework increases learning or grades*. Causing unnecessary pressure and frustration for child and parent. There is no real cleat link to say that homework increases the chances of a child gaining better grades.

My child is exhausted form coming home from school as he uses all his energy to learn, concentrate and listen to instructions. To then try to get him to complete his homework is pretty pointless. He is halfhearted and not really concentrating because of being so tired. I feel it is important that when he is at home that there is that time to relax. So, there is a clear and definite break from education. Children need to have time to wind down and relax. It helps them sleep and not be overactive with keeping their brain wired for long periods. Not to mention the fact that if they are more calmer in the evening they will sleep better and feeling fresh in the morning to be more motivated to work on the education at school.

I am all about learning but I think there should be a balance between learn and play. I think with homework included in the mix of a school day it is unevenly balanced. I don’t really feel it is healthy nor necessarily to include homework in the curriculum. Sometimes you get the feeling that it is more about meeting targets then the actually child’s development and health.

Cheers for reading X

*”What research says about the value of homework: Research review.” The Center for Public Education, web. 17th February 2007.

 

Life with Baby Kicks

Ten thoughts when waiting in a queue

Hey readers,

I am terribly British as I love a good moan and I have a hatred for queues. As we are fast approaching Christmas it can only mean one thing, mass of people shopping which then incurs bigger queues, joy!

Image result for shopping queues shop

 

So here are some of my thoughts that have entered my mind whilst moving my feet about and admiring the sweet section near the tills in a massive queue.

  1. How dare anyone other then me be here. They have a fucking check.
  2. Seriously, I have just lost half an hour of my life when I could be spending that time at home stalking on Facebook.
  3. Why did I just not simply use Amazon, FFS!
  4. Should I or should I not buy some chocolate when I reach the till.
  5. Life sucks.
  6. At least while I am here I don’t need to bother with  housework or anyone nagging at me. I can just get sore feet from standing around doing sweet F.A.
  7. Do I really need this stuff, yes of course my life depends on having some cheap emoji socks to brighten my mood.
  8. I curse my husband, how dare he reuquest me to buy stuff from the shop. He will pay, mwahahahahaha
  9. Why the fuck is there no signal, I am so not shopping in Sainsbury’s anymore, cunts!
  10. OMG, I can not believe this shop does not have wifi. Don’t you know it is a human right and now I am cut from human excisitance even though I am surrounded by people it is SO totally different. I need to know what is going on in the social world, what coffee people are photographying or the brilliant cat gifs that are emerging on the web. I think I may need to go to hospital as my arm feels cut of from not accessing the internet for 20 mintures, I am getting serious bad withdrawals.

Cheers for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks