I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.
So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.
- Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
- such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
- My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
- My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
- A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.
The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.
Cheers for reading X
Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.
This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.
Then my brain reminds me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.
The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being stuck in a situation that I have no control over.
Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.
But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.
Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.
You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.
Cheers for reading X
Below is a picture of myself taken today.
You could say I just look a normal everyday person minus her eyes being shut. You don’t think oh my God she looks like she has depression because you know what I do.
People always assume that if you are smiley or cheery then somehow you can not possibly experience depression. Well, news flash you can and furthermore, it can strike at any age, background or social mobility status because depression doesn’t pick who it wants to cause this nightmare mess inside your brain.
Anyone can experience it, at any time in their life. It can last weeks or years and definitely something that you can not physically measure, much to the disapproval of the government.
My point being is that some days I laugh, I cry, I hate and dread and all the other messy emotions that life has to bring. But also I have this mental battle, some days are OK and I manage. Other periods are short spells and then if there is too much stress in my life then can be several months where the black dog doesn’t sod off. He creeps around like a stalker catching me every time I am venerable or exposed to stresses in life. It sucks and there is nothing I can do but plot on. For me, it is a chemical imbalance mixed with stress and managing with my autism. It sucks and yes I smile but please be aware that I can mask like the rest of them.
We need to stop presuming that depression only affects certain people and that it is more grey than black with how it is presenting to the outside world. So just be mindful that there maybe someone smiling but deep down they are internally dying and hating everything that their life is.
If you are experiencing depression then do check out some really good quality articles about depression then please do check out BetterHelp free advice section.
Cheers for reading X
Here is some of the ways that depression affects me:
- Feeling too much.
- Feeling nothing but flatness.
- Crying over kindness.
- Hating oneself so much.
- Wanting desperately to vanish.
- Hiding from it all.
- Lying in bed all day and not got the energy to move.
- Looking at the walls and losing track of time.
- Being in a crowded room and feeling so alone.
- Angry at everything.
- Feeling stuck.
- Recalling memories.
- Doubting everything.
- Reflecting everything.
- Wanting to sleep forever.
- Hating your spouse because they can just get up and go.
- Denying it all.
- Laughing so hard your neurotic.
- Moving from one extreme to the next.
- Obsessing about the what if’s.
- No desire for anything.
Cheers for reading. X
Today we had glorious sunshine and it was a Saturday therefore we needed to get out the home wiry no excuses! Not to mention the fact that I have been couped up a lot this week at home and my sanity had been tested. I found it very hard to motivate myself today to get up and go with the feelings of lathergic and bleugh. Sometimes the mundaneness can get hold of you and drag you down.
But, i am so glad i went for a walk and it really does help my depressiom. The results on my mood after were amazing and it is incredible how a simple walk around a local park can really brighten up your mood. Also, it helped burn of all that built up energy from my boys. I also enjoy being in the wildlife and feeling of ‘escaping’ even if it is for a couple hours. Of course having an ice cream makes the boys and mummy and daddy very happy too!
Plus, sometimes its just the ordinary moments can be really special and that it’s OK to not try to be this ideal perception of this ‘perfect mother’.
Tired little munchkin!
Lovely little walk around the fields and pond!
Teaching the youngest to blow!