Sometimes I feel that on my blog I should not discuss depression as I am so ashamed because that is what society makes me feel like at times. I have always been embarrassed to say that I take anti-depressants and that in-turn makes me feel weak. But deep down I know that my depression is a genetic and chemical reaction, it doesn’t make me a bad person because of it.
Truth be told as a parent with depression there days when I hardly do anything, the only thing I attempt is to the bear minimum for my children. Once the children have gone to bed it allows me time to cry from all the build-up sadness and frustration from the day.
Some days are better than others, but now again I get dips and need that extra hand from my husband. For instance, I struggle to deal with the social side of taking my children to nursery or school. It is not always just the socialising but the physical environment is so hard for me to manage. I literally feel so suffocated and overwhelmed by the sensory stimulation that is happening in the room. I am autistic on top of all this and usually, I can find that it interacts with the depression.
Therefore heightened social situations can make me feel rubbish and can contribute towards me beating myself up for not being a good enough at being a parent because I am not like all the parents. It tends to result in me coming home and breaking down. I feel rubbish and tend to just want to sleep in order to escape the reminder of my shortfalls as a parent and person.
Other times, I struggle with dealing with the temperament of my children or talking about topics such as death, as this can trigger my OCD. No one teaches you how to communicate to your child and some days I just have to admit to defeat as it is too tough for me to deal with and hubby would have to take over.
When I am going through a dip in my mood I can spend the whole day dragging myself down, I physically feel on edge and know that after all this there is going to be a massive panic attack. I hide away from my husband, as I am not good at communicating in that moment, I don’t instantly have the words to say. I feel therefore this risks the changes of irritability between me and my husband. I don’t like being touched for a cuddle, I just need the time for me to mope and allow the emotions to pass. I don’t want solutions, I try lots of things but in that moment I just need to be. I don’t run form it anymore, at the end of it, I kind of feel better out of the system. It helps me feel calmer and my body feels like it is being heard.
Sometimes, the best thing is to accept it at that moment, don’t find solutions because at the end of the day it is something that you can deal with at a later date when your mind is in a clearer state. I have learnt when you are that emotional, nothing makes sense and I tend to make the wrong decisions so it is better for me to not make any decisions at all during my ‘meltdowns’. I feel now that I have learnt how I react and what is best for me is less painful and it allows me to feel more in control ironically.
Cheers for reading X