Depression and parenting

 

Hey readers,

Sometimes I feel that on my blog I should not discuss depression as I am so ashamed, because that is what society makes me feel like at times. I have always been embarrassed to say that I take anti-depressants and that in-turn makes me feel weak. But deep down I know that my depression is genetic and chemical reaction, it doesn’t make me a bad person because of it.

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Truth be told as a parent with depression there days when I hardly do anything, the only thing I attempt is to the the bear minimum for my children. Once the children have gone to bed it allows me time to cry from all the build up sadness and  frustration from the day.

Some days are better then others, but now again I get dips and need that extra hand from my husband. For instance, I struggle to deal with the social side of taking my children to nursery or school. It is not always just the socialising but the physical environment is so hard for me to manage. I literally feel so suffocated  and overwhelmed by the sensory stimulation that is happening in the room. I am autistic on top of all this and usually I can find that it interacts with the depression.

Therefore heightened social situations can make me feel rubbish and can contribute towards me beating myself up for not being a good enough at being a parent because I am not like all the parents. It tends to result in me coming home and breaking down. I feel rubbish and tend to just want to sleep in order to escape the reminder of my shortfalls as a parent and person.

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Other times, I struggle with dealing with the temperament of my children or talking about topics such as death, as this can trigger my OCD. No one teaches you how to communicate to your child and some days I just have to admit to defeat as it is too tough for me to deal with and hubby would have to take over.

When I am going through a dip in my mood I can spend the whole day dragging myself down, I physically feel on edge and know that after all this there is going to be a massive panic attack. I hide away from my husband, as I am not good at communicating in that moment, I don’t instantly have the words to say. I feel therefore this risks the changes of irritability between me and my husband. I don’t like being touched for a cuddle, I just need the time for me to mope and allow the emotions to pass. I don’t want solutions, I try lots of things but in that moment I just need to be. I don’t run form it anymore, at the end of it I kind of feel better getting it out of my system. It helps me feel calmer and my body feels like it is being heard.

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Sometimes, the best thing is to accept it at that moment, don’t find solutions because at the end of the day it is something that you can deal with at a later date when your mind is in a clearer state. I have learnt when you are that emotional, nothing makes sense and I tend to make the wrong decisions so it is better for me to not make any decisions at all during my ‘meltdowns’. I feel now that I have learnt how I react and what is best for me is less painful and it allows me to feel more in control ironically.

Cheers for reading X

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The day in the life of a depressive

Hey readers,

Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.

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This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.

Then my brain reminds  me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.

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The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being  stuck  in a situation that I have no  control over.

Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to  be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.

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But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.

Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.

You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.

Cheers for reading X

What does depression look like

Hey readers,

Below is a picture of myself taken today.

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You could say I just look a normal everyday person minus her eyes being shut. You don’t think oh my God she looks like she has depression because you know what I do.

People always assume that if you are smiley or cheery then somehow you can not possibly experience depression. Well news flash you can and furthermore it can strike at any age, background  or social mobility status, because depression doesn’t pick who it wants to cause this nightmare mess inside your brain.

Anyone can experience it, at any time in their life. It can last weeks or years and definitely something that you can not physically measure, much to the disapproval of the government.

My point being is that some days I laugh, I cry, I hate and dread and all the other messy emotions that life has to bring. But also I have this mental battle, some days are OK and I manage. Other periods are short spells and then if there is too much stress in my life then can be several months where the black dog doesn’t sod off. He creeps around like a stalker catching me every time I am venerable or exposed to stresses in life. It sucks and there is nothing I can do but plot on. For me it is a chemical inbalance mixed with stress and managing with my autism. It sucks and yes I smile but please be aware that I can mask like the rest of them.

We need to stop presuming that depression only affects certain people and that it is more grey then black with how it is presenting to the outside world. So just be mindful that there maybe someone smiling but deep down they are internally dying and hating everything that their life is.

Cheers for reading X

Depression is…

Hey readers,

Here is some of the ways that depression affects me:

 

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  1. Feeling too much.
  2. Feeling nothing but flatness.
  3. Crying over kindness.
  4. Hating oneself so much.
  5. Wanting desperately to vanish.
  6. Hiding from it all.
  7. Lying in bed all day and not got the energy to move.
  8. Looking at the walls and losing track of time.
  9. Being in a crowded room and feeling so alone.
  10. Emptiness.
  11. Angry at everything.
  12. Feeling stuck.
  13. Recalling memories.
  14. Doubting everything.
  15. Reflecting everything.
  16. Wanting to sleep forever.
  17. Hating your spouse because they can just get up and go.
  18. Denying it all.
  19. Jealousy.
  20. Laughing so hard your neurotic.
  21. Moving from one extreme to the next.
  22. Obsessing about the what if’s.
  23. Isolating.
  24. Alone.
  25. Hopelessness.
  26. Despair.
  27. Fatigued.
  28. Insomniac.
  29. Loss.
  30. No desire for anything.

Cheers for reading. X

Single Mum Speaks

park life

Hey readers,

 Today we had glorious sunshine and it was a Saturday therefore we needed to get out the home wiry no excuses!  Not to mention the fact that I have been couped up a lot this week at home and my sanity had been tested. I found it very hard to motivate myself today to get up and go with the feelings of lathergic and bleugh. Sometimes the mundaneness can get hold of you and drag you down.

But, i am so glad i went for a walk and it really does help my depressiom. The results on my mood after were amazing and it is incredible how a simple walk around a local park can really brighten up your mood. Also, it helped burn of all that built up energy from my boys. I also enjoy being in the wildlife and feeling of ‘escaping’ even if it is for a couple hours. Of course having an ice cream makes the boys and mummy and daddy very happy too!

 Plus, sometimes its just the ordinary moments can be really special and that it’s OK to not try to be this ideal perception of this ‘perfect mother’.

Weeeeeeeee!

Whack, whack!

Monkeying around!

Tired little munchkin!

Lovely little walk around the fields and pond!

Teaching the youngest to blow!

Country Kids from Coombe Mill Family Farm Holidays Cornwall