Half term tiredness

Hey readers,

Today I slept for so long, it was what I body so needed, time to rest my brain and body.  I feel like I need to have a break every now again and shut down to help me compensate for all the pain and work that I put it through.

tiredness

I think during half term school holiday I am working harder to socialise and be with others for longer periods of time. Don’t get me wrong I adore my children but being autistic it is challenging to spend so long with individuals.

I feel us autistic folk need time to hibernate and re-charge our batteries more than neurotypical people. I think one of the reasons is because I am working that harder to apply social skills that may not necessarily come naturally to me.

tiredness 2

Then there is the emotional side where I beat myself up over my shortfalls to ridiculous amount. One of the reasons because you can’t help but compare yourself to other random people, even though you don’t know through social media.

I always view my autism as a battle, something I have to get up and deal with every single day. On top of that I have to deal with the internal battle of low self-esteem and dealing myself as a parent.

tiredness 3

Most of the time I feel like I am blagging a this whole parenting thing and I put so much energy in to trying to function like everyone else  that I burn myself out, hence the breaks and shutdown.

So, that is one of the many struggles I have as an autistic parent, it is never easy but I am thankful for my blog. It is true what they say that writing things down may not cure my situation but it is a place to clear my mind of the many thoughts that are buzzing around in my head.

Cheers for reading X

Autistic Blogger!

Hey readers,

I hear this term branded around a lot through the bloggershere called ‘tribe’, to me it feels like we are back in the playground. Maybe because I don’t really connect to people the same way others do because of my autism. It makes me feel maybe a bit isolated or that I am missing out on a better support network.
The big question is, do you need a tribe of people to connect with to empower and motivate you? does it make you more successful? these are the kind of questions I think about. I suppose it depends on what you really want and need from people, I guess. For me the whole tribe business makes me feel like a failure yet again at life, it is another point score if you are in with the right crowd and for me being autistic that will never be. Yes OK if your autistic should you be worried about having such feelings of loss and for me yes it does get to me at times. It would be nice to bounce ideas off with others but the fear of rejection is much stronger. I don’t really have an answer. I think it is really down to my state of mind having an influence when I am engaging in the social media platforms.

Sometimes you get a feeling to be a successful blogger you have to be in some kind of tribe with others. It is a real shame I feel as you not always getting merit for your work but in who you know instead. Fairplay to people that do, because it takes a lot of additional work other then just writing content to making a blog successful. A major factor is engaging in social media as a form of communicating with the audience or attending events that help achieve recognition and achievement statues. Sadly, I don’t feel I will ever truly get to grips connecting on such a level, but that is ok because I do have a disability that limits me. Whether I like it or not, somethings I can improve, somethings I can’t but having the knowledge to accept that is a milestone for me personally.

Sometimes, you get what you put in and for me I can only do so much before I have pushed past my threshold and want to collapse with mental exhaustion.

Until you start a blog and work on social media, you really don’t realise what hard work it is with keep plugging away and reaching out. As they say nothing comes for free.

One major attribute that influences my performance or connecting to people is communication. It is like the backbone of autism. It plays such a huge role on and off line. My brain is overloaded as it is with all the rules I need to remember. I stick to the rules that I can follow and it is not the ‘norm’, it’s controlled and I don’t feel I am being rude but maybe I am being very rigid and not flexible with my thinking but then again that is an effect of my autism interfering it’s ugly head.

It would be wonderful to have someone to connect with but I don’t feel it is important right now but maybe next week I may different about the whole thing. But sadly autism is selfish and it hinders you. It never leaves you or lets you forget that there is a big influence there right in your brain controlling your interpretations on everything that you are exposed to. It really sucks at times but other times it is the fuel that keeps my fire burning inside of me.

OK, I have bitched and have been a moany cow so I am going to focus on a positive here. People aren’t aware of how much I have come along in my improvements in myself. Blogging has given me a voice to express whatever I feel I want to share. When I am having a meltdown it has been a tool to distract me from all the things going one and stops me getting overloaded when I can simply focus on just writing. It has calmed me when I have been so angry I have wanted to explode. It has helped me to understand myself who I am and try to take on board other people’s perspective (which is a real struggle at the best of times). It has taught me on a basic level how to have simple conversations and it further help me develop as a person with autism.
So, what is the point of this ramble, well I am just trying to find away to accept me with my disability. I want others to understand particularly what it is like for female adults with autism.
Who knew blogging would be such a learning journey to think about yourself and where you are in the pecking order even though I don’t really know what I want. I think if I look internally I want to feel accepted from others, though I don’t know whether that will ever happen. Maybe I just feel really lonely and a bit sad today when I see others in the world can just make friends and excel verbally. I seem to fall over at the first hurdle. It is hard as blogging is so social and if you want to grow networking is crucial I feel.

For me personally most of the time I go about my days winging it and trying to keep my head above water whilst others speed pass by me.
That my readers is what my personal take is of an autistic blogger in a social climate in the blog world.

Cheers for reading X

Spectrum Sunday
Run Jump Scrap!

Ten misconceptions about anxiety 

Hey readers,
I am autistic and anxiety seems to go hand in hand with the condition most of the time. So I have had some personal experience of the condition.

But we all suffer from anxiety in various degrees. In actual fact it is natural and at times very helpful. The downfall is if anxiety is prolonged and has a significant impairment on your mental health it can evolve into a anxiety disorder. Therefore being a REAL condition.
A lot of people seen to have an opinion on the common condition of anxiety. I want to breakdown some of them myths associated with anxiety.
1) Over acting – I know there are some people out there who think people who suffer with anxiety are being over the top in dramatics. I can tell you there is nothing more hellish then suffering with anxiety and feeling like you have lost control. I don’t know anyone who would want populise anxiety. I do my best to run away from the situation and shut down. I feel embarrassed and don’t want people to see me being so weak. Not to mention how exhausting it is mentally and physically.

2) Having anxiety is nothing – trust me it is your own worst battle and so hard to keep up what is the truth. You self doubt everything and feels like a constant battlee with your thoughts inside your own mind that you can not run away from. It is very scary at times and feel like you are stuck feeling like this anxious state will be with you forever.

3) Relates to childhood – OK anxiety can be down to childhood experiences partly in some causes. Though that does not always have to be the case. Personally I can get anxious over the situation as a result of how my autistic brain is wired. It responds different to new situations  and I automatically get anxious regardless of how many times I have had successful experiences trying something new. I still go into pilot mode of fear.  I was born with Autism and it is something that wont go away but I can make small steps to change and try to manage better my anxiety.

Also people develop anxiety when they are older maybe from bullying or stressful situation and causing anxiety. There are so many reasons why people have anxiety that you can’t possibly pinpoint it on one theory.

4) Just forget about it – well if only it was that simple. I mean don’t get me wrong distraction techniques can help but it can take time to manage anxiety that it is not a simple case of forgetting it. For me my anxieties happen when I am sleep so even though I try to sleep to escape, I still can’t run way from it in my unconscious state. 

Sometimes it can take a long time to recover depending on the situation. I am not always aware I am anxious and just have the physiological symptoms rather then the classic thoughts.

5) Anxiety is a choice – this to me seems a crazy thought. Though at times it can be scary to adapt new changes. The prospect of trying something new especially when it comes to therapy is is daughting. It can be so easy to stay in the situation as it is safe and even though it is hell you know what is happening. That doesn’t mean you want to live in the hell, it means your scared. Especially if you have lived with anxiety for years it is hard to visualise changes when old habits have developed abd formed for so long. Which kinda links with point four where it does take time and sometimes can’t sort the problem our straight away.

6) Just take a pill and get over it. No if only it was that easy. For a fact it doesn’t cure the anxiety. It helps take the edge of the feeling and can help make you think more clearer bur you still have the anxiety. You still have to work at it and it takes time for medication to kick in. Also as we are different with different genetic makeup what works for one person might not work for another when taking medication as we are all different.

8) Illogical people have anxiety. Ok with anxiety it does distort your thoughts but it does not mean to say that the individual is an illogical person. You could normally be brilliant at balancing out reason but one area of your life is unevenly balanced. You can be brilliant at giving alternative explications to friends problems but totally unrealistic about your own.

9) Anxiety only affects anxiously natured people. False like anything anxiety can strike anyone regardless of background, personality or wealth. Just because you are socially confident does not mean to say you don’t experience anxiety. That person maybe be just better at masking it.

10) You pass out when you have a panic attack. Actually you don’t because you have an increased heart rate due to the panic therefore you will not pass out. Even though at times I have wanted to your body is in such a state of alert it doesn’t want to shutdown. It wants to be awake to protect you from any danger.

 

I hope this has helped people get a better understanding of anxiety. As you  can tell it is a very complex disorder that experienced by many different people and in different ways. That is why there are so many different anxiety disorders.

 

cheers for reading X

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

You Baby Me Mummy

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Meltdowns

Hey readers,

We all know meltdowns are part and parcel of autism there is no getting away from that.  I have had my fair share of them over the years. I find meltdowns away to get rid of some frustration and built up anger as I direct reponse to the struggles I have with communication.

Sometimes I am ashamed to say this as I am meant to be a mother, adult and intelligent person but the feelings just built up and I need an outlet. 
Normally my meltdowns occur during over stimulated places where there is so much to process and I am so overwhelmed that I just want to collapse or scream. My pet hate is supermarkets, as i find then to bright, echoey and too much choice that I struggle to shop. I also stryggle with going to the shops when i have my husband with me and get very destructive. Therefore thid causes more friction as even though my husband is aware of my disability his own emotions get too involved and takes it personally. I suppose this is the problem with having a NT spouse and my problem with not having the skills to express my true emotions, grrrr! 

Sometimes as parent I havs to be this person that fakes it or at least till I get home and can run in a dark room and switch off. The noise, lights, touch it just all gets too much and it is if I am ‘overly alive’ like my while body is in a state of an emergency. I don’t know how else to describe it but like electricity running through my body and the power is just too strong. I need calm and a shut down so that I can escape and rebot my whole system. Most of the time I simply want to weep in a room knowing I’m a shit mother and as mijy children get older frequently ask myself I am really suitable for a parent?! 

A different scenario that relates to being autistic parent which has happened this week is where changes have occurred taking my sons to nursery. The things that have happened to impact me are the timmes are earlier at dropping and picking them up. Next, there is a different entrance followed by different sitting area. Furthermore a new peg the other side of the room to put my son’s bag and coat. This is so small and insignificant to most but for me adds up. There it creates this big change causing me to explode like a volcano. Because I need routine and step by step concrete plan. This has all gone out of the window. It is all new and I need to learn the new system and adapt. I hate being totally disorientated when I had a nice little systrem in place that makes it comfortable to pick my boys in less anxious state. Not to mention or these God dame social rules and having to scan what I say in case I somehow offend someone. I am a lot better at being ‘fake’ just so my sons can have semi-normal mum. I do all this work for them. I do spectacularly fuck up though and shout because when hopefully they read this years later all mummy did was try. But she is constantly learning and trying to swim against thr storm. It is so hard to manage at times with mu unflexible mind. 

Cheers for reading X
Sons, Sand & Sauvignon

The power of crying

Hey readers,

I don’t know about you but when I reach tipping point I have a habit of crying non-stop until I collapse and fall asleep. This does not happen often as I would very, very, very tired. Crying is so tiring and drains you of all your resources. Somehow I manage to find crying  on the other hand very theraputic and a relief just to let all out.
This weekend has been intense, long relentless parenting where hubby has hardly been around. Let me honest I find it hellishly difficult when there is no central heating, can’t wash up, so the place is cold. It is a mess with everything everywhere due to diy and the sense of no order has gone. I relay on order and routine a lot to help me get through the days. There had been several nights now where the boys have gone to bed really late and it just feels long, hard,challenging and emotional. I feel suffocated and it really has an effect on me. I feel shameful for feeling this way like I want to be a really good mother but fail terrible. One could argue that life is not perfect and that the journey is bumpy before we reach our destination. I love my boys but I also need my space for my wellbeing too. I think it is important to look after your own needs and be selfish sometimes.
I am my own worst enemy as I  keep seeing wonderful things everywhere but I have little motivation, I am tired and it drags me down.
However, I cry I can feel a sense of calmness that clears my head and helps make way for logical and practical thinking.  I can challenge my murky dark thoughts and recognise that this is a short period and it will pass and maybe feel more confident as a mother.
I used to think crying was awful failure and that I was just stupid and pathetic. But now part of me loves that cleansing process and feels like my body wants to restore equilibrium even when I feel broken.

That is what I love about nature is that some how we find a way to get out of the shit though it is not always the right way we get there hopefully and one day we look back and thing it is not as bad as we thought.
Cheers for reading X
Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
Sons, Sand & Sauvignon
Mummascribbles

Challenging

Hey readers,
Hope you are well. My word of the week would be:
This is because I have been challenged with getting out of my comfort zone and practising positive steps to become more confident and help improve my behaviour. I have autism (as you probably well aware) but one of my downfalls is communication particularly when asking for help such as asking on the bus where such and such stops at. Or when I am in a shop asking if they have a certain thing in stock.
Also, building my confidence by going in public areas where my social anxiety is heightened. I have a key worker now who helps try and progress with goals that I made to achieve.
However, my anxiety has been high due to the start of this intervention which I accept is natural but it has an affect on my patience and parenting. And sometimes I struggle when say my son had a meltdown when he is overly tired. But hopefully with time I can be a better mummy and be a bit more relaxed.

Thanks for reading XX

The Reading Residence

Light

Hey readers,
My word of the week is:

This is because I have had a hell of a year emotionally especially impacting on my family big time. I learnt to move on and let things go. I have been judged, tested and challenged but all in all I am still hear. I have made progress with moving forward. I have found hope and my days are starting to look bright. I an now starting to look forward to the future. I still have depression I won’t lie but I an getting to grips with managing it. There will still be shit days, but I take things day by day.

I still will have meltdowns but I can control my life a lot better. I didn’t know how this year would end but slowly as a family we are moving into a much happier place. I feel I have had a really interesting and reflective week hence devaluation of year. However, talking about the past and has made me feel positive, motivated and determined to be a better person and a mother. Most of all though I feel that I can now finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence