Half term tiredness

Hey readers,

Today I slept for so long, it was what I body so needed, time to rest my brain and body.  I feel like I need to have a break every now again and shut down to help me compensate for all the pain and work that I put it through.

tiredness

I think during half term school holiday I am working harder to socialise and be with others for longer periods of time. Don’t get me wrong I adore my children but being autistic it is challenging to spend so long with individuals.

I feel us autistic folk need time to hibernate and re-charge our batteries more than neurotypical people. I think one of the reasons is because I am working that harder to apply social skills that may not necessarily come naturally to me.

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Then there is the emotional side where I beat myself up over my shortfalls to ridiculous amount. One of the reasons because you can’t help but compare yourself to other random people, even though you don’t know through social media.

I always view my autism as a battle, something I have to get up and deal with every single day. On top of that I have to deal with the internal battle of low self-esteem and dealing myself as a parent.

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Most of the time I feel like I am blagging a this whole parenting thing and I put so much energy in to trying to function like everyone else  that I burn myself out, hence the breaks and shutdown.

So, that is one of the many struggles I have as an autistic parent, it is never easy but I am thankful for my blog. It is true what they say that writing things down may not cure my situation but it is a place to clear my mind of the many thoughts that are buzzing around in my head.

Cheers for reading X

Days like today!

Hey readers,

I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.

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Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come  knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.

mojo

Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.

I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit.  But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t,  I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child

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 Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!

Cheers for reading X

Meltdowns

Hey readers,

We all know meltdowns are part and parcel of autism there is no getting away from that.  I have had my fair share of them over the years. I find meltdowns away to get rid of some frustration and built up anger as I direct reponse to the struggles I have with communication.

Sometimes I am ashamed to say this as I am meant to be a mother, adult and intelligent person but the feelings just built up and I need an outlet. 
Normally my meltdowns occur during over stimulated places where there is so much to process and I am so overwhelmed that I just want to collapse or scream. My pet hate is supermarkets, as i find then to bright, echoey and too much choice that I struggle to shop. I also stryggle with going to the shops when i have my husband with me and get very destructive. Therefore thid causes more friction as even though my husband is aware of my disability his own emotions get too involved and takes it personally. I suppose this is the problem with having a NT spouse and my problem with not having the skills to express my true emotions, grrrr! 

Sometimes as parent I havs to be this person that fakes it or at least till I get home and can run in a dark room and switch off. The noise, lights, touch it just all gets too much and it is if I am ‘overly alive’ like my while body is in a state of an emergency. I don’t know how else to describe it but like electricity running through my body and the power is just too strong. I need calm and a shut down so that I can escape and rebot my whole system. Most of the time I simply want to weep in a room knowing I’m a shit mother and as mijy children get older frequently ask myself I am really suitable for a parent?! 

A different scenario that relates to being autistic parent which has happened this week is where changes have occurred taking my sons to nursery. The things that have happened to impact me are the timmes are earlier at dropping and picking them up. Next, there is a different entrance followed by different sitting area. Furthermore a new peg the other side of the room to put my son’s bag and coat. This is so small and insignificant to most but for me adds up. There it creates this big change causing me to explode like a volcano. Because I need routine and step by step concrete plan. This has all gone out of the window. It is all new and I need to learn the new system and adapt. I hate being totally disorientated when I had a nice little systrem in place that makes it comfortable to pick my boys in less anxious state. Not to mention or these God dame social rules and having to scan what I say in case I somehow offend someone. I am a lot better at being ‘fake’ just so my sons can have semi-normal mum. I do all this work for them. I do spectacularly fuck up though and shout because when hopefully they read this years later all mummy did was try. But she is constantly learning and trying to swim against thr storm. It is so hard to manage at times with mu unflexible mind. 

Cheers for reading X
Sons, Sand & Sauvignon