Today I slept for so long, it was what I body so needed, time to rest my brain and body. I feel like I need to have a break every now again and shut down to help me compensate for all the pain and work that I put it through.
I think during half term school holiday I am working harder to socialise and be with others for longer periods of time. Don’t get me wrong I adore my children but being autistic it is challenging to spend so long with individuals.
I feel us autistic folk need time to hibernate and re-charge our batteries more than neurotypical people. I think one of the reasons is because I am working that harder to apply social skills that may not necessarily come naturally to me.
Then there is the emotional side where I beat myself up over my shortfalls to ridiculous amount. One of the reasons because you can’t help but compare yourself to other random people, even though you don’t know through social media.
I always view my autism as a battle, something I have to get up and deal with every single day. On top of that I have to deal with the internal battle of low self-esteem and dealing myself as a parent.
Most of the time I feel like I am blagging a this whole parenting thing and I put so much energy in to trying to function like everyone else that I burn myself out, hence the breaks and shutdown.
So, that is one of the many struggles I have as an autistic parent, it is never easy but I am thankful for my blog. It is true what they say that writing things down may not cure my situation but it is a place to clear my mind of the many thoughts that are buzzing around in my head.
Cheers for reading X
I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.
Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.
Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.
I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit. But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t, I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child
Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!
Cheers for reading X