Rough patch

Some days are tough, struggling with anxiety seems a constant battle. The intrusive thoughts are so exhausting for hours they constantly battering my eyes with there nonsense. But in that moment it feels real and the thoughts of escaping are wanted.

I want the noise to stop so I can think more rationally.

I am going through a period of chronic anxiety triggered by my medication being reduced. I just got to keep going, riding the storm when it feels like I am drowning.

I’ve been here before many a time and I know I can get through it. It is just sticking with it through the highs and the lows. Which I know the sound of highs is a bit odd idea but actually having highs is also part of crippling anxiety. I can be laughing so intensely like a manic and the next petrified. It is exhausting but writing it down helps clear my head from all the murky mess that revolves around all day long.

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exposure

Hey readers,

Sometimes I want to hide away like a coconut far far away cocoon safely in my ball closed tightly for  no one to enter.

I suppose the downside of wanting to be in a coconut is the  size of me being the size of a hippo.

reflection

OK, jokes aside, I think I would miss the freedom of life that so so colourful. as much as it is very stimulating for me and potentially the risk of wanting to close down. i would miss the spontaneous of the simple pleasures that makes me smile.

I am a firm believer that there is beauty everywhere, even in this hectic world that we live in.

shadow

sometimes it is good to keep things simple and have that opportunity to hide away in my little box where I don’t get overexposed to the stimulis that make my mind spin.

In one sense I am lucky to  be free to have the choice to chose ti accept the challenge of what life has dumped upon me.

bright

Sometimes I feel that I can feel like I am walking around with head fog not knowing where to go and temporarily lose the ability to read anything. Which means I am in a situations at times when I am  at risk because I don’t have the skills to make safe decisions.

That being said I normally can spot most of the time triggers and can deal pre-meltdown/shutdown. I suppose that one blessing is that the older you get with autism you learn more about you and how the disability effects you as an individual with the condition. Although, I still am learning to this day and don’t think I will ever stop. Life is full of surprises and you just never know what will help or how you will react.

Cheers for reading X

 

Outsider

Hey readers,

Sometimes, I struggle to accept that I will always be the outsider on the outskirts looking in. At times it feels really lonely, like I am some kind of alien that does not really fit in anywhere or with anyone.

Even in my own home when I mess up, I feel isolated. It hurts to know that I will always mess up because I don’t have the skills. Whether at home not getting my words right, or in a shop and knocking things over because I am clumsy and have poor co-ordination. There is not a week where I don’r I feel total acceptance with myself and who I am.

Maybe, it is because when I was younger being autistic I was not allowed to express my difficulties and therefore not heard. I felt I could not be open, therefore bottled it all up and masked this person that was not me but thrust upon by others to be that way.

It is horrible when you are left to feeling a fraught. I don’t want anyone to like me but it would of been nice if someone did not judge me and just listen without criticism. Sometimes, all you need is someone to sit and listen without casting judgement. It may only be a small gesture but it makes all the difference to be open and free to express myself.

There are times when my husband gets so frustrated, he wants answers and I can’t always provide or know what I am ‘meant to say. I don’t have the words that I can express myself clearly like he can. It is such a struggle to live in an NT world where you are meant to know your mind and as I am an adult now even more so.

At times I am a child, I am not going to lie about that fact, I  need simple things like quite time and a blanket to help get me through the  rough ride of life.

There are times feel like I just want to shutdown and stop the noise going on in my head.  But being a parent it just feels like I am constantly on a conveyor belt wanting to get off.  I am continuously having to adapt and change because my children are developing over a fast period of time.

In childhood it is made up of different stages, each time I have to learn something, I then have to go on and alter the way I am as an autistic parent to suit that situation .

This comes with mighty dips in mood because it is new and therefore it is all learnt and manually wired into to my brain, as nothing is natural for an autistic parent.

It is so hard to deal with the changes that come with raising a child. I am not sad emotionally like some mothers when seeing there child grown up

 'oh my I am so heartbroken my baby is a toddler now'

but dealing with the mechanical side. For instance, making sure I speak a certain way that is suitable for the child’s age at that time or another example is learning to find the balance of supporting and allowing the child to be independent. As we all no with autism greyness is somewhat a struggle.

So, you see being an outsider is constant whether it be learning new information, communicating or working on personal relationships. It is non-stop work mentally for me and maybe that is why I get warn out so fast.

Cheers for reading