Worthless autisitic 

This evening has been tough, it real has been a battle within my own mind. My husband has boxes everywhere,  there is crap everywhere and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t escape as the doors are closed and only I am confined to the living room as it is not safe for my children to go into any of the other rooms.

There are boxes near the front door, I feel suffocated and angry. Today I feel I am not designed to live in this neurotypical world. I am not suited to living with people and there crap, it is everywhere and there is no order.

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My eldest has had major meltdown and screaming matches to add it all into the mix. My ears are ringing. My anxiety is making me shake like a leave. I want to cry but my depression makes me feel so numb. I wish I could just run away, this parenting malarkey is shit. No one cares. I am alone and I just want to switch over. I am struggling with noise, the lightning just all the information. I want my brain to shut down, I want this noise to go away. I want to run away instead I am stuck looking  at these four walls and thinking what have I done to my life.

I hate my autism, I don’t care what you think. Days like today I wish it would go away, instead it is always there. How am I meant to feel good about this? what bit of this is good?  I feel rubbish and worthless piece of crap and it seems everything I touch goes belly up. I can’t read or communicate correctly. I just don’t see the point, I just want darkness or just some quiet. My world is full of noise and want it to stop so I can breathe.

Cheers for reading X

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Ten things July

Hey readers,

 

Hope you are coping with summer holidays and not enduring too much squabbling if you have two children, like me who feels a full time referee.

Anyhoos, here is my ten things that have happened to me recently.

  1. I  completed a very basic photography course but it was great in getting my juices flowing and be inspired to not just constantly have my camera on auto.
  2. I also completed a course in mindfulness to see what all the hype was about. It is not really my think but some things I have taken on board and found helpful.
  3. I have been enjoying the sunshine and getting shed loads of washing done, whoop!
  4. I am loving easy going mornings and not feeling like a headless chicken to get the boys ready for  nursery in the mornings.
  5. I have upped my exercise and trying to get more fit as I have hurt my foot recently causing me a lot pain when walking. So that has helped me feel better and of course nothing beats going out in the fresh air.
  6. I have joined in with the craze that is Pokemon Go and it is fun doing it with the boys. Great excuse to go out and hunt the little animals down 🙂13671343_1771948833048899_226754563_n
  7. I have finally got round to purchasing a laptop. Oh my word it so much better then my tablet with the processor and saves me a lot of time sorting blogging stuff out.I am a lot quicker at typing compared to the tablet which is a bonus! 13652014_506998359496956_621744928_n
  8. I set myself a challenge to read more and it has been great to just get lost in books. I have had really bad anxiety so this has helped make me feel better more productive.
  9. I have felt really inspired to write more stuff on the blog and get loads of ideas for content.
  10. I enjoyed spending 1-2-1 time with my eldest and I took him on his first tram trip which he loved so much.13767675_230555340676292_1718058262_n

 

 

Cheers for reading X

A Cornish Mum
Best of Worst
3 Little Buttons

Top ten things that make me a happy mama

Hey readers,

I am feeling a bit low after new year and there is that feeling of emptiness properly from all the built up and then the comedowen of it all. Therefore, I thought I would focus on some good and positive things that make me happy as a happy mama. Here are my tpp ten things:

  1. Sleep is everything once you become a parent and it is the backbone of functioning. Getting a good night sleep is so important as a parent and to my own wellbeing. 
  2. Laughter in any shape or form I find important in my life.I know for me enjoying something with my partner such as watching a stand up comedy show is a perfect way to Chill out and feel good.
  3. Having some ‘me time’ whether thast be in the form of a bath, a bit of colouring in or even blogging all can help reduce tension and feel better within myself.  
  4. I don’t know if it is just me but as a parent the guilt is a killer particularly with comments like, ‘enjoy them when they young’. sometimes it leaves me so uptight that I don’t enjoy anything as I am so on edge. I have learnt to just go with the flow enjoy what you have got and don’t worry about the ‘what ifs’ as it is important to be just in the moment. 
  5. Sitting back and appreciating the small stuff. Sometimes I can get bogged down with comparison what with the internet etc. Keeping it simple really makes me happy just enjoying rather then feeling negative about being unrealistic.
  6. When setting goals making them realistic. I can’t always do what I want to do, which is fine. As I appreciate that I can’t have them standards makes me more accepting and happier. Changes are I have learnt that if I a relaxed I tend to get more things done anyway, sods law.
  7. Making sure I get fresh air even if it just found the block. I find it helps clears my head, gives me a break and a new scenery to enjoy.
  8. Be nice to myself, it is dame hard being a parent and sometimes I can be my own worst enemy. As I try to find perfection probably because I have disability that interferes with my parenting I judge myself too hard. But I am doing my best and that us what counts. 
  9. I am more happier in life when I stop trying to find the answers to my questions that I cannot find the answers to. E.g. how to be a perfect mummy? It’s just not going happen and accepting that has made me much more happier. 
  10. Nothing beats a hot tea and biscuits a perfect way for me to relax and be happy mummy! 
Cheers for reading X 


A Cornish Mum

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