This evening has been tough, it real has been a battle within my own mind. My husband has boxes everywhere, there is crap everywhere and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t escape as the doors are closed and only I am confined to the living room as it is not safe for my children to go into any of the other rooms.
There are boxes near the front door, I feel suffocated and angry. Today I feel I am not designed to live in this neurotypical world. I am not suited to living with people and there crap, it is everywhere and there is no order.
My eldest has had major meltdown and screaming matches to add it all into the mix. My ears are ringing. My anxiety is making me shake like a leave. I want to cry but my depression makes me feel so numb. I wish I could just run away, this parenting malarkey is shit. No one cares. I am alone and I just want to switch over. I am struggling with noise, the lightning just all the information. I want my brain to shut down, I want this noise to go away. I want to run away instead I am stuck looking at these four walls and thinking what have I done to my life.
I hate my autism, I don’t care what you think. Days like today I wish it would go away, instead it is always there. How am I meant to feel good about this? what bit of this is good? I feel rubbish and worthless piece of crap and it seems everything I touch goes belly up. I can’t read or communicate correctly. I just don’t see the point, I just want darkness or just some quiet. My world is full of noise and want it to stop so I can breathe.
Cheers for reading X
Hope you are coping with summer holidays and not enduring too much squabbling if you have two children, like me who feels a full time referee.
Anyhoos, here is my ten things that have happened to me recently.
- I completed a very basic photography course but it was great in getting my juices flowing and be inspired to not just constantly have my camera on auto.
- I also completed a course in mindfulness to see what all the hype was about. It is not really my think but some things I have taken on board and found helpful.
- I have been enjoying the sunshine and getting shed loads of washing done, whoop!
- I am loving easy going mornings and not feeling like a headless chicken to get the boys ready for nursery in the mornings.
- I have upped my exercise and trying to get more fit as I have hurt my foot recently causing me a lot pain when walking. So that has helped me feel better and of course nothing beats going out in the fresh air.
- I have joined in with the craze that is Pokemon Go and it is fun doing it with the boys. Great excuse to go out and hunt the little animals down 🙂
- I have finally got round to purchasing a laptop. Oh my word it so much better then my tablet with the processor and saves me a lot of time sorting blogging stuff out.I am a lot quicker at typing compared to the tablet which is a bonus!
- I set myself a challenge to read more and it has been great to just get lost in books. I have had really bad anxiety so this has helped make me feel better more productive.
- I have felt really inspired to write more stuff on the blog and get loads of ideas for content.
- I enjoyed spending 1-2-1 time with my eldest and I took him on his first tram trip which he loved so much.
Cheers for reading X