Today is a wet and miserable Saturday. I took the boys to go and see Santa because it was the best day for us with everything else that’s happening in the run-up to Christmas. Also, like to mention husband was here as well so I had that support him.
I thought it would be a good time to take my eldest who is potentially autistic though we are in the process of getting him assessed.
I thought if he has a less busy day he may be able to manage better. However, that did not seem to be the case. He struggled with the experience. I don’t know why but husband commented on the fact that his heart was racing and he was asking million and one questions. Overall, he was just generally really anxious and agitated.
Anyway, we decided to go to Sainsbury’s which is just across the road from where we have been to see Santa in town. I wish I could stay outside with the boys because I hate going to the supermarket with other people, especially at a really busy supermarket. Of course, it was absolutely pouring it down. Why is it when it pours down and you feel meh it just makes it feel much worse.
I haven’t been in a supermarket on a Saturday for a very long time and safe to say I still hate it with a passion, now I understand why I avoid it at all costs.
Not only was I struggles but also both boys were too. I don’t think it helped that they were tired after walking about and with all the excitement of seeing Santa.
My eldest who decided to kick off in the supermarket and just say no to everything, however, we did give him a toy to help keep his mind occupied rather than focus on the anxiety. At this point, I was slowly beginning to crack up because I was really struggling with so many different factors I was on the brink of having a meltdown.
I generally forgot how bright the lights in the ceiling really affects my vision. Not to mention the noise was so loud, people were here and there with no order. My boys were arguing and demanding for this and that.
I had anxiety already as I knew my son could potentially kick off at any minute.
I needed to get out and I did I think at the right time. I feel a failure now because I just can’t cope. Why did I have children? these type of questions circler my head because I am rubbish and still can’t believe my husband allowed me to have children.
Yes, this is in the moment but these feelings are strong and they are hard to leave them behind. I am feeling yet again like an inadequate parent. I know that is the difficult part of having autism as a parent with having to face many a challenge. Somedays I can manage where others all I want to do is break down in a crumble and hideaway. So, I decided to write down my feelings in this blog post to help me accept the situation and not let it eat away internally.
Cheers for reading X