Defeated

Hey readers,

I have depression, however, I can still function fairly well most of the time. This week though I have suffered a knock back which has been hard to even get out of the bed to function. I wanted to hide because I just didn’t have the energy to fight. The only time I got up was for my children otherwise I felt numb and worthless.

Everything feels like a chore, having to find the motivation to continue was so hard it felt like a mental workout. My body aches because it has taken a battering from my mental torture inside my mind. I am frustrated because I fool myself that I am better when all I do is mask and try to continue.

I suppose with uncertainty my anxiety flares up making me hyper-alert to emotions and always on the lookout because I am not in control. I feel powerless and scared. I hate to think about my future because it saddens me.

My anxiety seeps into my dreams and I relive some painful memories. I don’t like it, I smashed all my stuff on my bedside cabinet not realising until I was awake to find the destruction.

People don’t realise how hard work it is. I know to change the record but it is true, you can’t escape your own mind, there is nowhere to run and feel safe. You have to get through it. It is one of the toughest things I have to do, living is hard work when you feel like a pile crap. I am consciously aware of how I feel. It is exhausting because I am battling my inner monologue.

Sometimes I want to give up a bit I don’t because I would never dream of doing that to my children. They are the only things keeping me going at the moment. I know it just an episode where I feel this crap and I know it will pass. it is just getting through this bad storm to see the other side. during this dark time, it is hard to believe that light will appear because it feels like never-ending.

I think one of the triggers is feeling threatened and not been heard. I feel the injustice and the accusation that has been flowing around. It sucks and hurts. Fear that what I need won’t be there and the fight for getting what I deserve is tough going. It wouldn’t have been so bad had it not been the situation encouraging the event to then turn the other way.

It is hard trying to fight and price something when really the person should open their eyes, but of course, money talks and who cares about being honest when really it all boils down to the number game, f*uck the individual.

I just feel so angered by life and just trying to prove my point. I just got to keep reminding myself it will pass and take one day at a time.

Cheers for reading. X

3 Little Buttons

47 thoughts on “Defeated

  1. Some striking photography there. Really seemed to echo the sentiment of the post. Hope you start to see that light at the end of the tunnel soon. #KCACOLS

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are not alone. My mummy has had a rain cloud over her head now for many months, slogging through when no one gets her rage and irritability. You will get good days and bad and you should be proud of functioning. Some days my mummy wants to jack it all in too. Bed is a welcomed relief, unfortunately when you have kids you can’t sleep through episodes. I hope the rain cloud lifts and you feel brighter soon. If you can’t pull yourself out in your own… find help x I believe in you x #AnythingGoes

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry you are going through a rough period right now. This too shall pass. I am so proud of you for sharing your battle with mental health. I think the problem with depression and other mental health issues is people feel alone and are sometimes scared to talk and come forward for help. It is a good reminder that we aren’t alone. I have been battling really bad anxiety all year and even recently got put on medication. Depression runs in my family and I have had my battle with it. I talk about it some on my blog. Keep your head up. You can do this. One day at a time. #KCACOLS

    Liked by 1 person

  4. When my depression/anxiety flares my dreams are horrid too, it really does feel like there is no escape. My children are what keep me going, don’t know what I would do without them. One day at a time is a good way of thinking.
    #MMBC

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are very brave sharing your feelings so honestly and openly. I do hope you find some light soon. I too have suffered from depression in the past and sometimes it really does feel that nothing is right with the world and the darkness is inescapable. I wish I had some magical words of wisdom for you but I don’t, I’m sorry. I found that talking and venting helps, so I hope that you found writing this post helpful and thank you for sharing it with #KCACOLS We do hope you will link up again next time. Huge hugs, Kate xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. First off, thank you for sharing this hard time on your blog. You are helping everyone that reads this and that should make you feel really good about yourself. Sharing your low moments is one of the hardest things you will ever do!

    I have struggled with mental health issues for almost 30 years. There are good times and bad times through the journey. What you absolutely have to do is to continue to put one foot in front of the other. On the bad days, you may not take as many steps because your feet feel stuck to the floor. On those days remind yourself of the good days when you take more steps and you make up for it.

    Never stop trying, never stop pushing and never give up no matter how hard fighting is that day or the days after.

    Force yourself to get off that bed to accomplish one positive thing every single day…even if you don’t want to. Take control…just do it in spite of it being hard.

    Doing these things is what moved me on to the other side of the struggle! I really hope you feel mentally stronger soon!

    #KCACOLS

    Like

  7. Oh goodness, you write this with such raw feeling I’m actually beginning to understand. It must be hell! I wish I could just wave a magic wand and give you some positive energy. Nothing different, the same life but with a totally fresh outlook. I hope one day you will be able to wave your own wand and see the other side of your life, the one you know is really there, because ultimately you have the key to that life, you just need help finding it. #DreamTeam

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m not clear on the specifics that you’re talking about, so not much to offer there, however, try to get a bit of exercise (20 mins x 3 a week as the same affect as an antidepressant), try to eat well (good mood food) and see someone – dr, psyche, whoever. Make sure an external person is managing it (so the cloudy thinking isn’t the one in charge). Lastly, can you question the thoughts? Can you refute the illogical ones? Can you dismiss the unhelpful ones? Can you change anything that needs to be changed? Lastly, be kind to yourself – blow off a few ‘jobs’ and have a bath, watch a tv show, go to a movie? Anything that helps distract you or makes you feel good. Good luck. #Dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hope things start to look up for you soon. I know it can be hard to see your way through, but taking one step at a time and remembering that it’s not permanent is a start. Sending lots of hugs from the #dreamteam – thanks for joining us. We always look forward to seeing you lovely xx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Very brave of you to write this. Anxiety is such an all encompassing thing, you really eloquently put it into words. Just remember – this too will pass. Hope you feel more like yourself soon. Remember – people are thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

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