I am a slug

Hey readers,

I promised to write more positive posts but then I would not be true to myself. I don’t want to give the impression my life is all lovely and full of flowers when really it can be pretty crap being autistic and trying to cope.

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My brain is dead!

One of the things I seem to struggle is finding my mojo….whereever you are please come back soon, I miss the buzz of the get-up and go!

I feel meh….I know it is only a feeling and that too shall pass. But right now it is hard work to get up and go. I wish I had motivation but having quite an emotional week with downers and feeling well suicidal at one point. I kept thinking life would be much better if I wasn’t here, I f*ck up too much. Don’t worry it was a brief moment when I was right down low and I wanted me to take me. I am still here fighting. I am always fighting and you know what it is bloody tiring. I have to battle my thoughts and try to get on with it and during the summer holiday, it is more intense.

I am sure I will feel better soon, emotions are exhausting and you need time to heal. I sure do, I am exhausting, I just want to stop thinking for a bit. I am constantly planning and preparing because if I don’t then I stubble, badly. Communication, as I have said previously in posts, is something I struggle with, even if it is with people I know. I tend to have a catalog or format in my head on how to speak. Sometimes, I am too exhausted. You could call me anti-social – which would be true. However, space is a big thing for me, I am an introvert by heart and I have come to accept that. I need calm and quiet to move forward.

I suppose writing this out, it has helped clear my thoughts and made me realise that the one thing I need is rest. I need time to heal. It is important to me and it will help greatly.  I used to be embarrassed by the fact that social aspect of life makes me so tired and frequently need that rest. I think because of a lot of mental energy and that soon saps away especially if I am working harder as I don’t have the correct natural skills to do the communicating so many people so automatic and they don’t have to even think about.

Sometimes, we have to stop and have a break. It just feels that everywhere there is this notion that you have to be on the go 24-7 but that isn’t the case? I suppose that is why the slow movement has been come popular and a lot of people like myself are getting tired of this fast pace called life.

I think one of the hardest things for me as an autistic is to accept that some things will always be a struggle and that they do tire me. I need to learn to rest and not see myself as a failure because of this. I am sure people don’t look at people with a broken leg or whatever and view them as not thriving. I just have to work around my limitations and do what can do. At least I can say I have tried.

Cheers for reading X

 

24 thoughts on “I am a slug

  1. I am sad to read you have been having such thoughts, especially thinking about suicide. You are such a fighter, and I am so proud of you for not giving into those thoughts. Remember if you ever feel like that make sure you call someone, or be with people not matter how much you want to be alone. Remember you are a warrior and stronger than you know! Trust me I know how hard it can be to liv din a world that is so mentally exhausting, and I agree with what you say about more people looking to live slower, simpler lives as so many of us are suffering mental health issues because of the pressure. Just know you are not alone. Keep fighting, it is worth it! Thank you for being so authentic and open with us and by doing so you will inspire so many. I am actually about to publish a post about my anxiety and you inspire me! Thank you for linking up with us for #ablogginggoodtime love Mackenzie

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  2. This is such a sad read, hopefully hearing what I am going through wil make you feel like things could be much worse, I suffered a stroke in 2007, which has left me disabled, then in 2009 I had a brain tumour removed, I am still here fighting every day, in fact, this has probably not helped you at all#blogginggoodtime@_karendennis

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    1. I find it hard to put things in perspective I am one extreme or the other. I know I shouldnt swell but then again this is life. I can’t image what you are going through as it is something I have experienced. But it guess it has helped shape you the person you are. I think it is ok to be open and say sometimes you know what it is bloody hard. I spend a large portion of my life masking and hiding everything. I think the thing though Is moderation and trying to get that balance X

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  3. Emotions are exhausting. Take some time to focus on yourself, as much as you can anyway, time is hard to come by isn’t it. The feelings will pass, you know you are feeling them which I think is half the battle. You are not a slug, just feeling a bit sluggy, I know this because I am petrified of slugs and you are very much just not! Just keep on writing even if you don’t publish, just write, it helps. If you do publish we’ll be here reading. #StayClassyMama

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  4. It upsets me when amazing people like yourself feel so deeply sad. I know you have a tougher time being autistic and at least you recognise that it does tire you. I wish you well and I think writing about your feelings and sharing them with us is one step towards relief, happiness and feeling less burdened. At the least, having people there to listen and understand and give you a virtual hug x #ABloggingGoodTime x

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  5. Eveyone fucks up too much. That’s life for humans. The mistake is to dwell on it too much. All mistakes become the past and while it might not seem like it, soon forgotten. I don’t know if this works for autism, but go dancing – we have no lights, no lycra where you dance for an hour in a blacked out hall so no one can see you. Brilliant exercise and you come out energised. Or I’m going up the road to see a band and dance for an hour while I wait for my partner to get home from a lecture tonight. Will make a difference, promise! #Stayclassymama

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  6. I am so sad to hear you are having such a struggle. I have been there and know what those depths feel like. Know that I am glad to know you (via the blogger’s world) and I think you are absolutely amazing! Please feel better, Sam. I’m sending a hug your way. xoxo

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  7. I hope that writing this post was cathartic for you and helped to make sense of your thoughts. Thanks for linking up with #stayclassymama

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  8. I hope you are starting to feel a little more positive and rested. Well done for identifying exactly what you need to rejuvenate and move forward. That is more than many people manage to do. I need peace and quiet and calm for my own sanity, you are not alone with that. The summer is so draining in so many ways, so keep taking the time you need to get through. Thank you for joining #ThursdayTeam

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