I promised to write more positive posts but then I would not be true to myself. I don’t want to give the impression my life is all lovely and full of flowers when really it can be pretty crap being autistic and trying to cope.
One of the things I seem to struggle is finding my mojo….whereever you are please come back soon, I miss the buzz of the get-up and go!
I feel meh….I know it is only a feeling and that too shall pass. But right now it is hard work to get up and go. I wish I had motivation but having quite an emotional week with downers and feeling well suicidal at one point. I kept thinking life would be much better if I wasn’t here, I f*ck up too much. Don’t worry it was a brief moment when I was right down low and I wanted me to take me. I am still here fighting. I am always fighting and you know what it is bloody tiring. I have to battle my thoughts and try to get on with it and during the summer holiday, it is more intense.
I am sure I will feel better soon, emotions are exhausting and you need time to heal. I sure do, I am exhausting, I just want to stop thinking for a bit. I am constantly planning and preparing because if I don’t then I stubble, badly. Communication, as I have said previously in posts, is something I struggle with, even if it is with people I know. I tend to have a catalog or format in my head on how to speak. Sometimes, I am too exhausted. You could call me anti-social – which would be true. However, space is a big thing for me, I am an introvert by heart and I have come to accept that. I need calm and quiet to move forward.
I suppose writing this out, it has helped clear my thoughts and made me realise that the one thing I need is rest. I need time to heal. It is important to me and it will help greatly. I used to be embarrassed by the fact that social aspect of life makes me so tired and frequently need that rest. I think because of a lot of mental energy and that soon saps away especially if I am working harder as I don’t have the correct natural skills to do the communicating so many people so automatic and they don’t have to even think about.
Sometimes, we have to stop and have a break. It just feels that everywhere there is this notion that you have to be on the go 24-7 but that isn’t the case? I suppose that is why the slow movement has been come popular and a lot of people like myself are getting tired of this fast pace called life.
I think one of the hardest things for me as an autistic is to accept that some things will always be a struggle and that they do tire me. I need to learn to rest and not see myself as a failure because of this. I am sure people don’t look at people with a broken leg or whatever and view them as not thriving. I just have to work around my limitations and do what can do. At least I can say I have tried.
Cheers for reading X