Ongoing minefield of parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I lie in my bed at four in the morning and I am just staring at the ceiling and my tummy is filled with dread. My thoughts are filled with fear and I wonder how I am going to get through another day as a parent.

I don’t feel confident at all and I am always questioning everything. Sometimes, I get annoyed with my husband, how he could allow me to be a parent when I am totally useless. I am always tired and things seem to take a long time to master. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again.

I am now sitting in my son’s assembly hall waiting and feeling yet again that familiar feeling of being a true outcast or black sheep. This feeling is not new to me, it comes frequently where I feel like I am an outsider looking through the glass where I just can’t reach through. It feels so close yet so far away.

There are other times when I get jealous of my husband, he can just get things and communicate really well. I am sitting back permanently struggling and my tummy is in knots with anxiety. He does try to understand my neurosis bless him but he is the complete opposite of me. I watch on as he mingles and just gets these social rules that I seem to get muddled and fail all the time. I just get things, or I am just anxious state of a person. That is one good thing about summer holidays even though I am dealing with the change but not having to think. I over analysis I know but at least it gives me a break where I don’t have to feel completely sh*t again. I know I will never be one of them, good parents that I so desperately want to be, I mess up it is a natural talent of mine. I just get so fed up with it all and after takes its time. It hurts deep and it so damn frustrating. It is a minefield and just getting through the day is a challenge in its self. The thoughts that trigger me are so strong, they keep me awake and let me everytime my downfalls. I just need to a breather, time away and not to think that would be totally blissful.

I remember when I was pregnant dreaming of being this type of parent that would swim into motherhood like flies to poo. Sadly, it hasn’t happened, to delusion, I am nothing that I expected. I thought I would be good at communicating because I was living this role as a mother that it would all somehow come to place. That I would have this maternal instinct. The only thing that I am good at it appears to be is hanging up the washing and creating random fun stories for my boy. It is not much, I am never good at small talk but I take it now and I got to learn to accept the situation for what it is.

Cheers for reading my ramblings X

34 thoughts on “Ongoing minefield of parenting

  1. Parenting is definitely a minefield, I am with you totally on that, I had times when I felt exactly like you, when coping with my step son while his dad was at work, it all came together eventually, so stay strong and you too will look back on this time #mudpiefriday@_karendennis

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Totally hear you here and also just wondering if others are judging you. We shouldn’t care and I bet half the time they are not but I still think it. Sounds like your story telling is awesome though. Thanks for sharing with #bloggersbest

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  3. This is such an honest post, it actually brought a tear to my eye as I can really relate to some of what you are describing. It’s funny as my day job relies on my good communication skills which I can do, as I know my role, but when it comes to my personal life I feel the same as you. I am always on the side of groups, looking in. My hubby is great at striking up small talk with people and making friends, I struggle and often feel lonely as I know lots of people to say hello in passing, but do not really have any proper friends who I can meet up with regularly and share the ups and downs of life with. Being a mum is hard for everyone, some people manage to hide it better than others but we are all in the same boat really. I bet when your child is older, he will look back at the time you spent making up stories for him with real pride in the time that you shared with him. Try not to be so hard on yourself, we are all doing the best we can #Bloggerclubuk

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  4. Parenting and all the stuff that comes with it is one of the hardest things in the world! I’m sure you read my post the other day about those days when I feel like an inferior mum – some days you can feel totally alone and clueless and pretty shambolic and it definitely doesn’t go the way motherhood was promised to us. Be kind to yourself because I’m sure your little thinks the absolute world of you. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub and sending positive vibes for the summer xx

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  5. But … but … You are a good parent. The best parent your child could have. You’re amazing! Thing is, we see all the crud stuff but everyone else doesn’t. Sending hugs because we all feel like this

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  6. Parenting is tough, really tough. Self doubt is crushing. I often feel like a failure and that I am not good enough. Can I just say that you sound like a wonderful parent. My Cygnet loves nothing more than made up fun stories. I know it is really tough but try not to be so hard on yourself. Pen x #bloggersbest

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  7. Sending hugs! You are not a useless parent!! I am crap in social situations…..I fail as at that part of parenting. You said you are good at creating random fun stories for my boy….Take that as a win! I can’t do that either….lol Parenting is tough x

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  8. Parenting is a tricky business for which there is no hard and fast rules. I will bet though that your son thinks you are amazing and making up stories sounds like making memories and being a great mummy! #thesatsesh

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  9. Thanks for your honesty – I find it really hard to open up about how hard I find parenting. I good friend always says to me that I need to put the big stick down and look at all the positives. My girls are happy, don’t want for anything and are growing up into strong characters. I find writing a daily gratitude list really helps me to gain a better perspective on things and feel more positive about things 🙂

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  10. I don’t think there is such a thing as a perfect parent and if someone claims to be one then they are talking BS. We all give it our best and it sounds like you are doing just that. Be kind to yourself x x

    Thanks for sharing with #MMBC 🙂

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  11. Parenting sure isn’t easy but I think you need to give yourself credit for more than creating fun stories and doing the washing! I’m sure both your son and husband think so too.Thank you for joining us at #stayclassymama

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  12. Creating random fun stories is SOOOOOOOO much more important than small talk! Your children will treasure the memories of these stories. People who aren’t living with autism often find the school social occasions tricky so please don’t think it’s just you. I always find asking someone else a question about themselves really helps me with conversation – even if it’s just a smile and ‘how’s your week been?’ that’s often enough to get them talking, but I know it’s not always that easy. Please don’t be too hard on yourself – the kids have their Dad modelling the sociallsing bit and they have you showing them how to be creative and face fears – a good combo I reckon. Take care and be kind to yourself. xx #thesatsesh

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