Depression and parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I feel that on my blog I should not discuss depression as I am so ashamed because that is what society makes me feel like at times. I have always been embarrassed to say that I take anti-depressants and that in-turn makes me feel weak. But deep down I know that my depression is a genetic and chemical reaction, it doesn’t make me a bad person because of it.

Truth be told as a parent with depression there are days when I hardly do anything, the only thing I attempt is to the bare minimum for my children. Once the children have gone to bed it allows me time to cry from all the build-up sadness and frustration from the day.

Some days are better than others, but now again I get dips and need that extra hand from my husband. For instance, I struggle to deal with the social side of taking my children to nursery or school. It is not always just the socialising but the physical environment is so hard for me to manage. I literally feel so suffocated and overwhelmed by the sensory stimulation that is happening in the room. I am autistic on top of all this and usually, I can find that it interacts with the depression.

Therefore heightened social situations can make me feel rubbish and can contribute towards me beating myself up for not being a good enough at being a parent because I am not like all the parents. It tends to result in me coming home and breaking down. I feel rubbish and tend to just want to sleep in order to escape the reminder of my shortfalls as a parent and person.

Other times, I struggle with dealing with the temperament of my children or talking about topics such as death, as this can trigger my OCD. No one teaches you how to communicate to your child and some days I just have to admit to defeat as it is too tough for me to deal with and hubby would have to take over.

When I am going through a dip in my mood I can spend the whole day dragging myself down, I physically feel on edge and know that after all this there is going to be a massive panic attack. I hide away from my husband, as I am not good at communicating at that moment, I don’t instantly have the words to say. I feel therefore this risks the changes of irritability between me and my husband. I don’t like being touched for a cuddle, I just need the time for me to mope and allow the emotions to pass. I don’t want solutions, I try lots of things but at that moment I just need to be. I don’t run form it anymore, at the end of it, I kind of feel better out of my system.

It helps me feel calmer and my body feels like it is being heard.

Sometimes, the best thing is to accept it at that moment, don’t find solutions because at the end of the day it is something that you can deal with at a later date when your mind is in a clearer state. I have learned when you are that emotional, nothing makes sense and I tend to make the wrong decisions so it is better for me to not make any decisions at all during my ‘meltdowns’. I feel now that I have learned how I react and what is best for me is less painful and it allows me to feel more in control ironically.

Cheers for reading X

28 thoughts on “Depression and parenting

  1. Oh chick, I am sorry you are feeling like this at the moment. If you don’t fancy talking, writing down what you are thinking and feeling at that time, even if you never publish is really cathartic and may help? Sim x #PoCoLo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There’s nothing to be ashamed because of. In fact, I think it’s very brave of you to share this.
    I certainly DON’T think depression is a sign of weakness. There are more people than we know who are struggling with it.
    I know of many bloggers who write about how they feel and find it therapeutic.

    ((((hugs))))

    #FabFridayPost

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry that you are so low at the moment but I have to commend you for sharing how you are feeling. Depression shouldn’t be something we are ashamed off. We wouldn’t react the same way for a broken arm. It sounds like you know what works for you and that is good. I also like to be left alone when I am struggling, people trying to help and cheer me up makes me worse. Thanks so much for sharing and breaking down the stigma xx #pocolo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. During the worst parts of my PTSD I had to distance myself as well. The overwhelming emotions I was feeling during my depressive states, made me sleep all day. I learned that when that happens, I have to accept that it’s happening, acknowledge it and if sleep is what I need then sleep is what I do. It does always pass but in those moments you really do have to just feel it but feel it alone. At least I do. Love your post! Very helpful for those out there who really need to hear this! #MMBC

    Liked by 1 person

  5. you are a strong and amazing woman. You love your kids , you do your best, you accept your limitations, you take the help on offer to enable you to cope. You would be amazed how many of those mums at the gate take some form of antidepressant/serotonin balancer/therapy…just because they look like they’ve got everything covered… I bet there are some mums looking at you thinking, how does she do it and look so together about it. xxx Never be ashamed of your depression, OCD or anything else that makes you you xx #thesatsesh

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I know what you mean about the sensory side to school. Being overly-sensitive is my biggest problem with being autistic. It’s also what gives me the most joy as my experience with music and watching movies is heightened. I don’t have to do the school thing anymore, since Damian went to specialist school, but I used to stand at the back of the yard and mess with my fiddle cube (or whatever) in my pocket. Or look at my phone. Anxiety and depression go hand in hand with autism and you shouldn’t feel ashamed about talking about it, ever. You are an amazing mum and a fabulous human being. X

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh love I just want to give you a big hug – sending it virtually to you. I echo previous comments but know you find this hard to take – depression is NOTHING to be ashamed of. You are such a strong lady to get out there and put yourself in these positions that cause you such stress, just for your kids’ sake. They are very lucky to have you. Go easy on yourself – have you ever done a befriending meditation – you may find it tricky but it may be worth a try? You write beautifully and with a rawness which is so powerful. Take care xx #thesatsesh

    Liked by 1 person

  8. #thesatsesh love this open and honest account. There is a podcast by fern cotton called Happy place, and in one of the episodes she talks to Lena Headey (Cersei in Game of Thrones) and she talks about how she gets comfort in sitting in her depression. Thanks for bing true to you x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m sorry so to hear about this and that you are feeling not too good. Yes, I agree with the others. I think putting things in writing can make you feel much better. Just let it all out. I do that a lot. I think you’ll have a clear mind afterwards and after you read what you have just written about the situation. Big Hugs. You are an Amazing mum who care about her children and I think this is more than anyone can ask for. Don’t beat yourself up too harsh. You need to remember give yourself a pat of the back from time lovey. 🙂 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I think your blog post will really help a lot of mums who maybe don’t feel able to open up about their feelings so thank you for writing this! I am sending hugs from the mums over at Mummykind.
    Please don’t feel embarrassed and ashamed of having depression. It is not what defines you as a person. You are an amazing Mumma.
    Things will get better. ❤️
    #fabfridaypost

    Liked by 1 person

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