I wish….

Hey readers,

Do you wake up and feel the dread in the pit of your stomach. You wonder how the heck you are going to get through the day, the hours feel long and you feel like you are battling through. Everywhere you look people look like they have their sh*t together and you are in this dark place. You want to hide and run away but there is this dark cloud that follows you everywhere you go.


There are times when I question everything and consider would it be better I wasn’t here. If I died would my boys have a better life? I wouldn’t but sometimes these thoughts pop up when I doubt myself, everything goes wrong and I am just tired of fighting. I just want to hide for a bit. I wish I could run away from myself but no I am stuck with this bag of rubbish.


I lie in bed and go over everything. I beat myself up with doubt and knock myself down with criticism. I am angry and hate my autism. It makes everything crap or hard work. I don’t feel a natural mother and sometimes truth be told I get angry at my husband for allowing me to have children. Having depression as a parent is tough, I wish I could switch it off. Sometimes the depression lies to me, or my judgments are all wrong. I doubt everything. it is a battle and I wish I could just go out for a walk and it is gone, but mental health is not like that.


Sometimes I am OK and other days I can barely get out of bed. Then if that weren’t bad enough there is another battle with all the dark thoughts of guilt I have and quite frankly it is exhausting. I wish I could switch it all off, my thoughts and feelings and just be free like a bird.

My husband struggles to understand at times how I feel, probably because we don’t always have time to talk. That is why in the past I have found it beneficial to seek counselling and something that may be helpful for both myself and husband understand each other better. Do check this article that explains all about marriage counselling, Regain.us.

Cheers for reading X

14 thoughts on “I wish….

  1. Depression is hard hard, my amazing mum battled as we grew up. I am suffering from anxierty since our eldest was diagnosed with type 1 and i get it so badly feeling so ill, i have now realised I need help and have asked. I wish I could say more to help but we are here to listen xx #stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That feeling is very familiar to me. I’m an INFJ personality type so I am easily overwhelmed and it’s easy for me to worry or dwell, going over situations in my head berating myself for how I SHOULD have dealt with things, or wondering about all the possible permutations.I can make snap decisions because I just want to make one and can’t bear uncertainty, or I doubt everything I do and think. I’m a little better now thanks to a lot of counselling and I can see when I’m on the slippery slope. It is so easy to fall into the “I wish” well when you are in the throes of anxiety or depression, and I’ve been there too. Hang in there lovely #StayClassyMama

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope writing all your feelings down helps a little in dealing with your frustrations and emotions, I’m sure it will help others reading feel less alone if they are experiencing the same. Well done for speaking out.
    Thanks for linking to #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Share, share and just let it out – glad you are finding a platform to air your views and feelings on what is happening in your life. In a way it helps you deal with it just knowing that someone is reading it and understanding. Although I don’t suffer from autism or depression, I have empathy as close friends suffer from depression and it is not easy to see them go through life like this. All the best and continue to write about your experiences – I’m sure you are also creating awareness and helping someone who is also suffering out there – deal with it.@stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I’ve been there. I still get depressed every now and then but it isn’t as bad as it used to be. I tend to over think things often and have to remind myself to slow down my thoughts. Meditation and yoga have helped me a great deal in that department. Something I tell my boys when they start to doubt themselves, You are stronger than you think. It comes from Winnie the Pooh and I used to say it to my oldest a lot when he was younger but it’s very true. When we doubt ourselves we don’t see our true strengths within us. I hope you find a strategy for you that helps to alleviate some of these thoughts for you:) #CoolMumClub

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It sounds really tough but I think you need to give yourself credit for all the amazing things you have accomplished and take each day at the time trying not to get overwhelmed. I hope you can get out of this dark place soon and see what an amazing person you are. Thank you for sharing with #StayClassyMama

    Liked by 1 person

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