I hate days like this when my inner demons attack me.
I don’t know whether it is because I’m autistic or just dealing with general mummy guilt but it is hear loud today it feels like hell.
No one ever tells you about the constant relentless, boring and repetitive things that you have to do in motherhood.
I am so tired and having to think outside the box and that feeling of dreadness where you just want everyone to stop because the noise and pressure feels like it is going to explode.
I’ve got this anxiety in my throat today and feels like a pulling sensation, a reminder to myself that the anxiety is there eating away at me. The anxiety is more prominent when I am most venerable. I’m scared I want to run away. I don’t know whether I can do this and the self-doubt is here with me. I don’t know how other parents manage to cope with the demands of being a stay home parent but for me at the moment it is somewhat challenging.
However, I would be totally screwed if I didn’t have my husband as my carer and my kids will probably be taken into care. That is a big fear and again fuels this notion in my head that I am not good enough as a parent.
I am my own worst enemy and the biggest judge. I’ve let myself down, I do all the things that I said pre-children I wouldn’t do. I put the TV on too much let my son’s play on the tablet, I give them chocolate!!!!
Why can’t I give myself a break? Why do I have these thoughts in my head constantly doubting myself as a parent and hating myself? I dread the long hours ahead of me, looking at clock, ticking away!
All I ever see is stuff on Instagram with pictures of everything looking so pretty and perfect motherhood. I’m not that just me today feels like hell and I’m writing this open me because I don’t care anymore but my head is you know what brain f*** you!
Give me a break I need a break ok. I live in a flat and can’t even go to my escape room at the moment I know I’m autistic I can’t deal with long periods of time why the f*** did I have children I don’t know any more I just wish my brain would shut the f*** off!
Cheers for reading X