Sometimes, I struggle to accept that I will always be the outsider on the outskirts looking in. At times it feels really lonely, like I am some kind of alien that does not really fit in anywhere or with anyone.
Even in my own home when I mess up, I feel isolated. It hurts to know that I will always mess up because I don’t have the skills. Whether at home not getting my words right, or in a shop and knocking things over because I am clumsy and have poor co-ordination. There is not a week where I don’r I feel total acceptance with myself and who I am.
Maybe, it is because when I was younger being autistic I was not allowed to express my difficulties and therefore not heard. I felt I could not be open, therefore bottled it all up and masked this person that was not me but thrust upon by others to be that way.
It is horrible when you are left to feeling a fraught. I don’t want anyone to like me but it would of been nice if someone did not judge me and just listen without criticism. Sometimes, all you need is someone to sit and listen without casting judgement. It may only be a small gesture but it makes all the difference to be open and free to express myself.
There are times when my husband gets so frustrated, he wants answers and I can’t always provide or know what I am ‘meant to say. I don’t have the words that I can express myself clearly like he can. It is such a struggle to live in an NT world where you are meant to know your mind and as I am an adult now even more so.
At times I am a child, I am not going to lie about that fact, I need simple things like quite time and a blanket to help get me through the rough ride of life.
There are times feel like I just want to shutdown and stop the noise going on in my head. But being a parent it just feels like I am constantly on a conveyor belt wanting to get off. I am continuously having to adapt and change because my children are developing over a fast period of time.
In childhood it is made up of different stages, each time I have to learn something, I then have to go on and alter the way I am as an autistic parent to suit that situation .
This comes with mighty dips in mood because it is new and therefore it is all learnt and manually wired into to my brain, as nothing is natural for an autistic parent.
It is so hard to deal with the changes that come with raising a child. I am not sad emotionally like some mothers when seeing there child grown up
'oh my I am so heartbroken my baby is a toddler now'
but dealing with the mechanical side. For instance, making sure I speak a certain way that is suitable for the child’s age at that time or another example is learning to find the balance of supporting and allowing the child to be independent. As we all no with autism greyness is somewhat a struggle.
So, you see being an outsider is constant whether it be learning new information, communicating or working on personal relationships. It is non-stop work mentally for me and maybe that is why I get warn out so fast.
Cheers for reading