This time of year when it is the build up to Christmas I struggle with. The whole time feels intensified and crazy that it gets to me and though it does not affect me straight away, I can guarantee without a shadow of a dealt I will have a meltdown during the festive period.
I have autism and for me one of my struggles is socialising and sadly it appears a social rule is to meet all the people you know in a short period to spend some quality time with.
My problem is I can do social but really have difficulties with long periods with people, not getting a break and dealing with people who I may only see once or twice of year. I need my time on my own to calm down.
It can be hard because other people might not understand my disability and may interpretate my behaviour as being cold and not welcoming. They don’t understand I need time to myself and breaks because it is so mentally challenging trying to mask and put on this friendly person when really at times I just want to tell everyone to fuck off with the rubbish. All these random social rules with all the niceties, when most of the time people don’t really bother. But because it is Christmas it is about family and we have to adapt these weird rules during Christmas. There so much social pressure and I struggle to mask my trueness for long periods of time.
I have to hold my tongue and monitor the things I say, because I am an adult and not many people expect autistic adults, especially female to behaviour childlike. God forbid you’re an autistic woman with children, I should know better and it is outrageous to even think about behaving oddly. They presume if we behave childish then we definitely made the wrong decision to have children and probably wondering why aren’t social knocking on the door.
Why do I do this, get involved in this social situations? Well to be perfectly honest wit you I am so desperate to fit in that I put the pressure on myself and other times I am wanting to keep my hubby sweet.
But after all the hype, all the energy into communicating, new environments, new dynamics and the pretense that I have to deal with I am left feeling exhausted. My bones will ache for days after, I will cry a shed load and my mind will basically collapse as it has used all my stored up resources to mimic neurotically people.
So yeah I am miserable cow, but do I have the right to be? who’s needs get priority, how much can I be accepted before being called childish.
Then after all the palava I am left feeling deflated and depressed. Wondering what the point is and why autism is such a bitch. It causes a rift between me and my hubby. Ok he knows some bits about autism but he also has his own agenda and it is not always easy for him to see my point without probably thinking I am being selfish or there is so much for him to deal with that he needs a break.
Cheers for reading.