This week has been somewhat challenging. My son has been sick and my routine has been changed. I am autistic therefore find change difficult, not to mention long periods of time with my children is hard and mentally draining for me.
Now I do have my husband as my carer due to my disability. As we are both are at home we can split the care if we wish. It allows me to have a break . However, when I do I feel a break I am left feeling dreadful and guilty.
Why do I feel like this? well, because I feel I am not competent in being an adequate mother. I fee like a failure, maybe it is because I feel like I have been conditioned to feel like this.
I know there was an interesting drama on the telly some time ago, reflecting on real life situations of parents who are disabled and the fear of social services taking their children away.
I worry about what happens when my husband, God forbid dies in an accident, would social services take my children away? In one sense I would be doing more jobs like cooking etc. So, maybe I may just deal with it and I wouldn’t have as much time to think and reflect, therefore not feeling as bad.
One professional who I discussed my fears with regarding the situation about if hubby dies. She was very comforting with her words, saying that I would just deal with the situation and readjust to a new routine. I probably get some additional help. She works closely with social services and worked with other individuals with additional needs. She did say I had to be really bad to get my children taken off me. She knew that I worked really hard, open to professionals and I wasn’t as bad as I feel inside my own head.
Why do I feel scared then? I feel that I am autistic and Like I would be judged for my downfalls, even though sometimes my autism can enhance my parenting!
The guilt eats away at me, I feel I should be working that bit more harder as an autistic parent to make up for my incompetence. I feel I should focus more on my child. Of course there are times when my husband is not around and I look after both children and funnily enough there is nothing bad that happened.
It is the battle I feel that I have to fight every single day. I dread some days because it is only me who is beating myself mentally for not being good enough parent. I feel as I am secondary care giver and that my role is not good enough. Even though I working my ass off and having to do more things consciously that others would take it like water of a ducks back. I blame myself for having to have breaks and not for feeling better after. The guilt that I should be enjoying being with my child and not wanting to escape. But at times that is just what I want to do. Escape form the noise and having to focus all my attention on the child. Having to work overtime to plan and to perform in the correct manner. It is so exhausting and sometimes I just want to stop thinking.
Sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of being a parent because of my autism. I will influence there development and if anything goes wrong then I blame myself for not being good enough. It is easy to get in this cycle especially if you have low self worth. You feel isolated as there is not enough support for autistic parenting. We don’t fall under the mental health or learning disabilities section, meaning that we are stranded, stuck and confused. That is how I feel. Being in a neurotypical world I am constantly battling and sometimes it is just my thoughts, other times I feel there are real barriers that hinder my performance.
Cheers for reading X