I don’t know why but today is a really shitty day. It might be because I am overly tired, in a lot of physical pain, stressed about money, anxious about half term and entertaining children, going away on holiday (I struggle with my autism) but finally the last thing that broke the camels back is the cat puking all over my bed late at night. I had to change the bedding when I was desperately tired. Oh the joys!
I blow my top and had massive row with hubby, called him a dick amongst other names. Then took myself to the bedroom and cried so hard in my pillow, which I haven’t done in a long time.
It felt so good almost like a pressure that has been built up inside of me escaping. It is hard to keep your head above water, generally I manage with the odd blip I’m alright. But after weeks of keeping my shit together I just needed to have to have a break down and just get it out of my system.
I have been doing this for years albeit when I have had clinical depression when I just totally sunk internally inside of myself. Maybe it just the way I am programmed.
Although at the time it felt needed and good. However, now I have to say sorry to the hubby for being a dick…it was just the anger. Maybe a little jealous of him as he is so laid back and can take every on the chin. Whereas I can only do maybe three things and then the juggling becomes too much to deal with.
It is lonely at times, I wish I could stop comparing myself to others but then again isn’t it innate and I am wired to do so for survival purposes?! My head is too fucked to make any clear rational conclusions.
Let’s just have a sleep and forget the rest till later, but it is so lonely having a disability that messes you up and making you feel not normal. So much more effort I have to put into things which then sucks all my energy. But it won’t be long until I will have to rise whilst having very little energy and enthusiasm.
Cheers for reading X