Ftmob – October 

Hey readers,

Hubby shared a chat he had with my eldest early, “I wish mummy didn’t have autism. Can’t Dr’s give her medication to make it go away”. How to feel shit in fice seconds. It breaks my heart that I am now getting noticed by my son with being different, I suppose this is the start of things to come.

My eldest asking,” why do so many people get cremated it’s silly!”. 

My DS1 saying, “I wish we could live in Wales forever and never come back”. Yep me too son I wish I could totally run away from it all at times :|.

I attempted to make a joke to my DS1 saying I would leave him in the car all by himself. His response was that it is ilegal to leave children alone in the car and the police will put you in jail mummy.

As we were driving past the graveyard the other day way DS2 comments, “boo”. this is becuase he thinks the tear ghosts there, 😂 
Cheers for reading X

Little Hearts, Big Love

Autistic Blogger!

Hey readers,

I hear this term branded around a lot through the bloggershere called ‘tribe’, to me it feels like we are back in the playground. Maybe because I don’t really connect to people the same way others do because of my autism. It makes me feel maybe a bit isolated or that I am missing out on a better support network.
The big question is, do you need a tribe of people to connect with to empower and motivate you? does it make you more successful? these are the kind of questions I think about. I suppose it depends on what you really want and need from people, I guess. For me the whole tribe business makes me feel like a failure yet again at life, it is another point score if you are in with the right crowd and for me being autistic that will never be. Yes OK if your autistic should you be worried about having such feelings of loss and for me yes it does get to me at times. It would be nice to bounce ideas off with others but the fear of rejection is much stronger. I don’t really have an answer. I think it is really down to my state of mind having an influence when I am engaging in the social media platforms.

Sometimes you get a feeling to be a successful blogger you have to be in some kind of tribe with others. It is a real shame I feel as you not always getting merit for your work but in who you know instead. Fairplay to people that do, because it takes a lot of additional work other then just writing content to making a blog successful. A major factor is engaging in social media as a form of communicating with the audience or attending events that help achieve recognition and achievement statues. Sadly, I don’t feel I will ever truly get to grips connecting on such a level, but that is ok because I do have a disability that limits me. Whether I like it or not, somethings I can improve, somethings I can’t but having the knowledge to accept that is a milestone for me personally.

Sometimes, you get what you put in and for me I can only do so much before I have pushed past my threshold and want to collapse with mental exhaustion.

Until you start a blog and work on social media, you really don’t realise what hard work it is with keep plugging away and reaching out. As they say nothing comes for free.

One major attribute that influences my performance or connecting to people is communication. It is like the backbone of autism. It plays such a huge role on and off line. My brain is overloaded as it is with all the rules I need to remember. I stick to the rules that I can follow and it is not the ‘norm’, it’s controlled and I don’t feel I am being rude but maybe I am being very rigid and not flexible with my thinking but then again that is an effect of my autism interfering it’s ugly head.

It would be wonderful to have someone to connect with but I don’t feel it is important right now but maybe next week I may different about the whole thing. But sadly autism is selfish and it hinders you. It never leaves you or lets you forget that there is a big influence there right in your brain controlling your interpretations on everything that you are exposed to. It really sucks at times but other times it is the fuel that keeps my fire burning inside of me.

OK, I have bitched and have been a moany cow so I am going to focus on a positive here. People aren’t aware of how much I have come along in my improvements in myself. Blogging has given me a voice to express whatever I feel I want to share. When I am having a meltdown it has been a tool to distract me from all the things going one and stops me getting overloaded when I can simply focus on just writing. It has calmed me when I have been so angry I have wanted to explode. It has helped me to understand myself who I am and try to take on board other people’s perspective (which is a real struggle at the best of times). It has taught me on a basic level how to have simple conversations and it further help me develop as a person with autism.
So, what is the point of this ramble, well I am just trying to find away to accept me with my disability. I want others to understand particularly what it is like for female adults with autism.
Who knew blogging would be such a learning journey to think about yourself and where you are in the pecking order even though I don’t really know what I want. I think if I look internally I want to feel accepted from others, though I don’t know whether that will ever happen. Maybe I just feel really lonely and a bit sad today when I see others in the world can just make friends and excel verbally. I seem to fall over at the first hurdle. It is hard as blogging is so social and if you want to grow networking is crucial I feel.

For me personally most of the time I go about my days winging it and trying to keep my head above water whilst others speed pass by me.
That my readers is what my personal take is of an autistic blogger in a social climate in the blog world.

Cheers for reading X

Spectrum Sunday
Run Jump Scrap!

Liebster Award (October)

Hey readers,

Screen Shot 2016-10-28 at 09.33.00.png

 

rules are as follows to complete the Liebster Award:

1) Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you and display the award.
2) Answer the eleven questions the blogger gives you.
3) Give eleven random facts about yourself.
4) Nominate eleven bloggers that you think are deserving of this award.
5) Let the bloggers know you have nominated them.
6) Give them eleven questions to answer.

I was nominated by  Not An Effing FairyTale Blog  who is a wonderful fresh of air in the blogging world, who nominated me for the Liebster Award. So without further ado here are my answers to the questions, enjoy!

Would you rather be, a fish that can fly or a bird that can also live underwater? I would prefer to be a fish that can fly cause then I can shit on people who piss me off.



What’s the worst thing you have called you other half in a moment of anger (for real or in your head). Oh Jeez to many to remember,  maybe cunt or you fucking cunt! Probably said worse but right now can not remember anything.



Who was your first celebrity crush? Keith Flint.

What is your best joke? What is brown and sticky…a stick! I know, I know awful but classic!



Liam or Chris Hemsworth? Sorry but no friging idea who either people are (I don’t watch much tv ulnless it relates to Ceebies)!



shag, marry, avoid: Tom Cruise, Hulk Hogan, Justin Fletcher... omg what a combo…. Tom Cruise – shag because he is the best looking, always put a ball gag in him to shut him up! Hulk Hogan I would marry, I have no idea why maybe to pull on his tash if he irritates me plus he can wear his sexy yellow one piece 😉 avoid Justin Fletcher because he annoys me something chronic  although he is good with kids so I may regret that decision.

Heat or Closer? Neither both pile of shite!



Chose a side: Katie or Peter?  Peter, he seems more down to earth though to be honest I know either so who knows.



Death row meal?  bangers and mash with sticky toffee pudding and a lovely hot brew, boom!



What would you be on death row for? killing all the stars of The Only Way is Essex.



What is your favourite blog at the moment? The mother hub because I like what she writes on autism and feminism.  Not an effing fairy tale blog (I know but honestly it is true I like the filth, bluntness and honesty makes me feel normal), the aspie mermaid as she honest and talks about Asperger which effects me and I can relate.

11 random facts about me:

  1. I am left handed.
  2. I am so conscientious and get ill because of it.
  3. I am crap at grammar and generally can’t be arsed to spell check but then read it after I post it and think what a twat.
  4. I have been in care.
  5. Ceebies is one of my closest friends.
  6. I have degree in Psychology, but I hated it but thought if I get it, I might get a least a chance at a job.
  7. I have meet Harry Hill, who is lovely.
  8. My hubby is welsh.
  9. I have crippling social anxiety and a major fear of embarrassment in front of people and getting rejected.
  10. I used to sleep on 4 hours  as I find it hard to sleep.
  11. I am a feminist. 

So, now here are your questions to answer please.

  1. who is better in your household mummy or daddy?
  2. tea/coffee
  3. best advice for a blogger
  4. where do you get your inspiration for blogs
  5. favourite season
  6. Are you old fashioned?
  7. What is your four legged creature and why?
  8. Are you usually late, early or right on time?
  9. Are you happy right now?
  10. Do you exaggerate the truth on your blog?
  11. how often do you go online?

I now nominate the following people:

No Mannual To Mummy

Left Back NCFC

Hannah Spannah

Over 40 And A Mum To One

 

Cheers for reading X

 

Wales 

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:


Becuase we have had a lovely few days in Wales seeing the inlaws and making memories away with the kiddos!

We went to the beach, walked around woodlands and saw some waterfalls. Not to mention fish and chips and ice-cream becuase otherwise it wouldn’t be a holiday 😂 !
I so needed a break though and it has been so refreshing to get away and step back fron normal life.

Though tomorrow normal service will resume with doing a ton of washing/drying/putting away. standard mum life really but at least I get to catch up on my programmes and chill in my home again.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

Knackered

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

Image result for knackered

This is because i have been sleeping badly due to my son going through a horrible period waking up several times a night and over time really dampens everything.

However, we did get to go to the pumpkin farm and have fun picking our own one. We have a massive one, even though cheeky hubby told me it was the same as last years, it was clearly not! Still the boys are going to have fun carving the pumpkin on Saturday.

We also got a green pumpkin as it is the best one for making pumpkin tart,so hopefully that sis something fun we can do in the half term.

Which as it is half term coming up looking forward for a break from the constant letters/homework etc that seems to be continous, jeez it’s hardcore now they are at school.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

Sinking..

Hey readers,

I don’t know why but today is a really shitty day. It might be because I am overly tired, in a lot of physical pain, stressed about money, anxious about half term and entertaining children, going away on holiday (I struggle with my autism) but finally the last thing that broke the camels back is the cat puking all over my bed late at night. I had to change the bedding when I was desperately tired. Oh the joys!
I blow my top and had massive row with hubby, called him a dick amongst other names. Then took myself to the bedroom and cried so hard in my pillow, which I haven’t done in a long time.
It felt so good almost like a pressure that has been built up inside of me escaping. It is hard to keep your head above water, generally I manage with the odd blip I’m alright. But after weeks of keeping my shit together I just needed to have to have a break down and just get it out of my system.

I have been doing this for years albeit when I have had clinical depression when I just totally sunk internally inside of myself. Maybe it just the way I am programmed.
Although at the time it felt needed and good. However, now I have to say sorry to the hubby for being a dick…it was just the anger. Maybe a little jealous of him as he is so laid back and can take every on the chin. Whereas I can only do maybe three things and then the juggling  becomes too much to deal with.

It is lonely at times, I wish I could stop comparing myself to others  but then again isn’t it innate and I am wired to do so for survival purposes?! My head is too fucked to make any clear rational conclusions.
Let’s just have a sleep and forget the rest till later, but it is so lonely having a disability that messes you up and making you feel not normal. So much more effort I have to put into things which then sucks all my energy. But it won’t be long until I will have to rise whilst having very little energy and enthusiasm.

Cheers for reading X

 

Diary of an imperfect mum

 

Pumpkin time 🎃 

Hey readers,

One of my Autumn Bucket List was to visit a pumpkin farm to pick our own pumpkin. This week we finally got to tick the task of the list as we are fast approaching the end of October. We have been to our local farm last year and my boys loved going around and seeing the spooky decorations which a lovely diverse range of stuff.

A particularly  favourite moment at the pumpkin farm was to go in the dark room and see seeing my boys glow in the dark outfit light up.

I love the fact how much my youngest has chilled out more and willing to listen. It is so much easier to enjoy a day out when people are a bit more relaxed.

The boys had a blast and they even got to chose a cute little pumpkin of there own.

We picked a corker of a big pumpkin and it is going to be so cool at a later date to carve the big guy.

This year we also have a table whereby we can put the pumpkin in the centre of the table one night when we have a meal. It just the littlest things that keep your spirits high on the lower and difficult days.

 

big punpkin!

So many pumpkins to chose from!

So many interesting shapes, sizes and colour pumpkins you can get. Something you will never find in your local supermarket.

One of the fun things to do at the pumkin farm is to have a ride around the pull along cart. This is the life for two children!

Yep they are never going perform on the spot are they?! One day mummy my learn but still we have a cool backdrop for a photo!

Finally the piece de resistance s getting a green pumpkin as we were advised was the best one to make pumpkin tart, yummilicious!

Cheers for reading X

Dear Bear and Beany

Be Still Tea

Hey readers,

One of my favourite things in life is a warm cup of  Rosie Lee. There is something comforting about tea and like the saying by Arthur Wing Pinero goes, ” Where there’s tea, there’s hope”.

 

Tea, Cup, Saucer, Drink, Cuppa, Brew

So why not write a poem about tea and all it’s loveliness!

When I think of tea,

I think of positivity,

some atheletes need strengh,

well I just need a hot cuppa,

then I feel fabiulous

and ready to go,

you see it bewith me,

from years ago,

although I do stop,

at fish tea,

which terrifys me.

In saying that,

I like a good strong brew,

none of this flat tasteless types,

but not to hot,

to cause ravage with a broken cup.

slip slowly and enjoy,

the aromas of tea,

feel your  belly warm,

with delight,

there always be comfort,

in a mug of tea.

Cheers for reading X

Prose for Thought