Losing my tiny little mind

Hey readers,

Warning frank and honest post!

I feel like shit, I an autisitic and I am looking after a 4 and 2 year old. My youngest went to nursery earlier and I took the eldest out to teach him to fly a kite. Being autistic is tough and being an autisitic parent is double tough. Constantly feeling like you are winging it and crippled with the guilt of having set backs that some parents don’t have. Worried how fucked up my children will be, never thinking that maybe they might be really understanding others. Because the media gives the impression all the time that parents with disabilities are bad for their development. I an negative, My glass is mostly half empty. I suffer from depression and anxiety. Both conditions interact with my thoughts and most of the time I feel dread of how I am going to manage mentally through out the day. Doubting whether I am doing right or wrong. Spending not enough time or spending too time thay they are clingy and not independent to play by themselves. It’s exhausting trying to get a balance right. I am trying to better myself to accommodate my faults. Paranoid at every stage because I worry about Autism and how that influences me as a mother. The only one good n
thing is I have successfully done was today teaching my son to fly a kite. I’m so proud of myself. OK it is not a lot but for me that is amazing achievement, especially as I did it all by myself. On the flip side I’m exhausted from my DS1 constant questions and attention seeking that I am pooped all afternoon. I have hardly been present and zoned out frequently. Now I feel really down and worry about being such a crap mum. Isn’t it frustrating being an autisitic mum you having to work with unconstructed grey areas that are constabtly shifting.

Anyhow don’t really know what the point of this post is other then if you are a autisitic parent questioning or doubting themselves then your not along with the battle!

Cheer for reading X

Sons, Sand & Sauvignon

 

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10 thoughts on “Losing my tiny little mind

  1. Lovely, did you know that autistic people can be prone to anxiety and depression? There’s quite a bit of literature on it. I’m an anxiety case and my glass is smashed at the moment, let alone half full so I get where you’re coming from. I honestly have days where I think I can’t do this, it’s too much but you just do it. It is exhausting but you’re not on your own. You taught your son to fly a kite! That’s a big deal! Be kind to yourself and I know as I type that that it’s easier said than done. Nobody beats us up more than we do ourselves, eh? Big loves X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks I can always rely on you for understanding and not feel so lonely in this world. Yes I know it is very common to have anxiety and depression with autism. Which is not really surprising in trying to live in a NT world. But I am glad I gave found you X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for being honest! And big up you for teaching your son to fly a kite. The biggest achievement I had today was getting my son to walk round a market without running away or freaking out. Some days it’ll be hard. I’ve come to accept that I think. Your kids think your the aces. And that’s all that matters xxx #spectrumsunday

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Such an honest post-Most of us parents are winging it and I’m sure the autism makes you feel worse(my middle one has Asperger’sand is SUCH a perfectionist)sounds like you’re doing a fab job-as I can’t fly a kite myself I’m extra impressed!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh honey, I’m so sorry you are having a rough time at the moment, but you are not a shit mum and you are right to be proud of yourself for teaching your son to fly a kite…I’m not sure I’d have the patience 😉 Thank you for joining me on #spectrumsunday lovely, I really hope you are feeling a bit better and I’d love you to come join me again this week xx

    Liked by 1 person

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