One of the main areas of things that you think about when you have a child is feeding them. I originally tried brest feeding and failed within five days as I was in pain, could not co-ordinate and triggered postnatal depression.
As a mother you want to do your best for your child. The one thing for me as a mother in the begining was trying to br this ideal perfect mother. I had to be able to breastfeed my baby or else I was doomed to failure. I felt this kind of message was reinforced everywhere I looked. There were posters on the hospital walls about the whole breast is best and the feeling that I had to do it succeed. No one teaches you about formula and that you as an individual can make the choice. I went to pre baby classes and the breast brigade forced this ideas of the importance of breast in a very dominated and unhelpful way. The effect of this was damaging and it triggered deep depression and self hatred way I was not successful with breast feeding.
I felt very depressed and felt like I was not what you would call a ‘real women’. I could not co-ordinate no matter how many ‘professionals’ came and shoverd my arms here and there. I could not line up things the right way. I tried every position possible and the only way I would be successful is if someone did it for me.
I felt anger that no one talks to you about the emotional impact of the guilt. I hated myself and the world. Not to mention the emotional impact on the bond I had with my boy. I cut off feelings and attachment towards my son because I could not provide then there was no point connecting as I was damaged. I would just further complicate the situation. I felt I screwed up his development and he was going be retarded and not develop in the correct way.
I was a mess and lack of sleep combined nearly threw me over the edge. Thankfully after seeing my health visitor who said to me give him formula it doesn’t matter as its 90% athe same closeness with the nutrient elements. She said.she formula feed all her children and they are grown u and fine. I can not tell you how relieved and reassured it made me feel. It also gave me confidence and helped build a proper bond with my child.
Now reflecting back I am glad I chose formula because for me it was the right decision. I accept that breast is obviously the natural way. But it is not the only option. We are lucky to have a place where we can provide health and alternatives that are just as good as breast milk.
Everyone is different, we all have our journey and battles to face. Some of us are successful and take breast feeding straight away. But that does not mean your failure if you don’t. What the most important thing to remember is you do what is right for you and your child.