Sometimes it hard to accept the fact that with autism somethings are just not possible. I don’t know whether it would be in the near future but my current mind state such tasks are too much for me right now.
I feel mixed feelings about this. There are so many different messages out there and what with my black and white thinking its hard to make a decision.
I will give an example now, I’m a parenting course, with the aim of trying to communicate better with the boys.
We are currently looking at reward charts and we were dixusiiong behaviour and choices.
Here is where the problem is, I go hypo at settling the Boys down at night and I can’t mask my feelings like NT do. I am not smooth lined and I am staggered and unpredictable with my emotions. I think I get anxious or I’m happy I’m finally going to get alone time. It affects my son as with any slight encouragement can wake him up My son knows I’m a bit soft and not best to manage him correctly so be can play on this causing more problems putting him to bed. Therefore it takes a long time to settle my son because of me winding him up as I get a lot of energy at night (always have done).
When discussing this with the professional we came to the conclusion that if I am having a difficult time we say a secret word (rice balls). This is random so will go over the boys head but it just means we don’t get into discussio. As I get defessive and it reduces the stimulation for my boy. I will simply remove myself to another room to stop the amount of stimuli to help settle my son better. However, this is not all the times just on days I am particularly bad.
Why do I feel rubbish and it is so hard to accept that some things due to the way my brain is wired I can’t do. I still in my adulthood can’t accept I am autistic. Probably due to the negativity in my early years and therefore effecting my views. We all want to be accepted? But I also have to learn that I am doing my best for the boys by sometimes removing me from the situation and not causing difficulties at night.
I just find it so hard to think especially with media, peoples opinions not knowing where to say no when people telling me its just a mindset. It is so hard when everything is so ambiguous and not clear cut. I know this is probably an awful thing to say but I would perfer to have a diagnosis that was a and b equals c rather then a syndrome that is not identically to the next person and just on a continuum.
Cheers for reading X