We all know meltdowns are part and parcel of autism there is no getting away from that. I have had my fair share of them over the years. I find meltdowns away to get rid of some frustration and built up anger as I direct reponse to the struggles I have with communication.
Sometimes I am ashamed to say this as I am meant to be a mother, adult and intelligent person but the feelings just built up and I need an outlet.
Normally my meltdowns occur during over stimulated places where there is so much to process and I am so overwhelmed that I just want to collapse or scream. My pet hate is supermarkets, as i find then to bright, echoey and too much choice that I struggle to shop. I also stryggle with going to the shops when i have my husband with me and get very destructive. Therefore thid causes more friction as even though my husband is aware of my disability his own emotions get too involved and takes it personally. I suppose this is the problem with having a NT spouse and my problem with not having the skills to express my true emotions, grrrr!
Sometimes as parent I havs to be this person that fakes it or at least till I get home and can run in a dark room and switch off. The noise, lights, touch it just all gets too much and it is if I am ‘overly alive’ like my while body is in a state of an emergency. I don’t know how else to describe it but like electricity running through my body and the power is just too strong. I need calm and a shut down so that I can escape and rebot my whole system. Most of the time I simply want to weep in a room knowing I’m a shit mother and as mijy children get older frequently ask myself I am really suitable for a parent?!
A different scenario that relates to being autistic parent which has happened this week is where changes have occurred taking my sons to nursery. The things that have happened to impact me are the timmes are earlier at dropping and picking them up. Next, there is a different entrance followed by different sitting area. Furthermore a new peg the other side of the room to put my son’s bag and coat. This is so small and insignificant to most but for me adds up. There it creates this big change causing me to explode like a volcano. Because I need routine and step by step concrete plan. This has all gone out of the window. It is all new and I need to learn the new system and adapt. I hate being totally disorientated when I had a nice little systrem in place that makes it comfortable to pick my boys in less anxious state. Not to mention or these God dame social rules and having to scan what I say in case I somehow offend someone. I am a lot better at being ‘fake’ just so my sons can have semi-normal mum. I do all this work for them. I do spectacularly fuck up though and shout because when hopefully they read this years later all mummy did was try. But she is constantly learning and trying to swim against thr storm. It is so hard to manage at times with mu unflexible mind.
Cheers for reading X