Meltdowns

Hey readers,

We all know meltdowns are part and parcel of autism there is no getting away from that.  I have had my fair share of them over the years. I find meltdowns away to get rid of some frustration and built up anger as I direct reponse to the struggles I have with communication.

Sometimes I am ashamed to say this as I am meant to be a mother, adult and intelligent person but the feelings just built up and I need an outlet. 
Normally my meltdowns occur during over stimulated places where there is so much to process and I am so overwhelmed that I just want to collapse or scream. My pet hate is supermarkets, as i find then to bright, echoey and too much choice that I struggle to shop. I also stryggle with going to the shops when i have my husband with me and get very destructive. Therefore thid causes more friction as even though my husband is aware of my disability his own emotions get too involved and takes it personally. I suppose this is the problem with having a NT spouse and my problem with not having the skills to express my true emotions, grrrr! 

Sometimes as parent I havs to be this person that fakes it or at least till I get home and can run in a dark room and switch off. The noise, lights, touch it just all gets too much and it is if I am ‘overly alive’ like my while body is in a state of an emergency. I don’t know how else to describe it but like electricity running through my body and the power is just too strong. I need calm and a shut down so that I can escape and rebot my whole system. Most of the time I simply want to weep in a room knowing I’m a shit mother and as mijy children get older frequently ask myself I am really suitable for a parent?! 

A different scenario that relates to being autistic parent which has happened this week is where changes have occurred taking my sons to nursery. The things that have happened to impact me are the timmes are earlier at dropping and picking them up. Next, there is a different entrance followed by different sitting area. Furthermore a new peg the other side of the room to put my son’s bag and coat. This is so small and insignificant to most but for me adds up. There it creates this big change causing me to explode like a volcano. Because I need routine and step by step concrete plan. This has all gone out of the window. It is all new and I need to learn the new system and adapt. I hate being totally disorientated when I had a nice little systrem in place that makes it comfortable to pick my boys in less anxious state. Not to mention or these God dame social rules and having to scan what I say in case I somehow offend someone. I am a lot better at being ‘fake’ just so my sons can have semi-normal mum. I do all this work for them. I do spectacularly fuck up though and shout because when hopefully they read this years later all mummy did was try. But she is constantly learning and trying to swim against thr storm. It is so hard to manage at times with mu unflexible mind. 

Cheers for reading X
Sons, Sand & Sauvignon
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10 thoughts on “Meltdowns

  1. People don't realise the affect small changes can have on others and how much effort it takes to deal with them.

    http://rainbowsaretoobeautiful.blogspot.com/2015/11/such-small-achievements-that-no-one.html

    We are all creatures of habit. I think the fact that you are routine driven will benefit your kids and make them feel safe and secure in what is a scary and confusing world for many people.

    I look forward to seeing more of your stuff #spectrumsunday

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  2. You're not a shit mother! You're a mother who loves her kids and is doing her best despite the difficulty her disorder brings.

    I've realised recently I'm probably on the spectrum and one of the things that made me realise is the way I can completely shut down in supermarkets. All the people, noise, horrible lights etc. all adds up! The number of times my husband's basically had to steer me through the shop as if I'm a zombie! And my ASD is so mild it's taken until my late 20s to even realise I have it!

    Your kids will understand you were doing your best.

    #SpectrumSunday

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  3. Thank you can wholeheartly understand about the zombie. My husband tells me I've zoned out and has learnt as a carer that is my breaking point. It us good to know another autistic mum like myself as this world is so isolating more so being a mother X

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  4. Firstly lady, you are not a shit mother! You are, like any other mum in the world, trying to do what is best for your children. Sometimes you get it right, sometimes you get it wrong and sometimes you f**k up royally! We all have our highs and lows. This post really touched me Sam. It was eye opening and interesting. I really do love your honesty. Keep your chin up lady! You are doing amazing! You definitely give me hope for Hayden's future! Thank you for joining me on #spectrumsunday, I really hope you join in again this week xx

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