3 fears that I have

Hey readers,

I be honest I am quite an anxious person most of the time so doesn’t take me much to get fearful so here are three my top fears.

Death – the pain, the feeling of not ever coming back and generally worrying if I did my best. It is so hard when you are getting messages from left, right and centre telling you to enjoy every minute of the day, but that can’t be right surely. Sometimes life is crap or other times I need to sulk  and be miserable but the guilt eats away at me. I am one of them people that stew on things and can’t let it go. I find it hard to switch off and generally wonder why some people are so dame laid back.  I don’t want to end up on my death bed with what if’s but also I want to be realistic as life is not glossy all the time. There is no cleat instructions on anything emotive right, you just got to go with it and if I didn’t then I can always say I did my best and I didn’t kill anyone.

One of my biggest fears that gets to me regularly is the fear of being embarrassed in front of people. I hate it when I say something to someone and they don’t respond, making me feel like a complete dick. Then fear of doing something in public that will cause me to be centre of attention. I think this is linked to my autism as I detest attention on me. It goes as far back as a child with hating open presents on Christmas. I still struggle till this day, I just get really anxious as I am unsure as how to respond and I am rubbish at thinking on my feet. Then if that is not enough shit to do with, I torture myself further by analysing it for hours on end. I really need to learn the art form of letting shit go!

My final fear is if ever needed an operation (which I have had in the past) is medication not working and being wide away through the whole operation. The thought of the surgeon cutting my body out and moving my organs around, vom!

Cheers for reading X

Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs

Appointments 

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

Because this week, I do not know why but it has been dominated with appointments; dentist, options, meetings etc…. I am just glad last week I had bit of spare time to do a few scheduled posts because I definitely knew this week would be exhausting.

I think because hubby is recovering from ill health I have done most of the work it is knackering, It doesn’t help that it is a bit gloomy, full of cold and the wetness/cold gets to me. Still at least the children have been energetic as per. So eventually it takes it toll on you. #yawn!

Talking about entertainment I got sucked in and watched Big Brother as there was sod all on TV. I have to say I am not that keen on Angie Best, a bit rude for my liking so boo to her!

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

Bag of nerves 

Here we go again,

Shaking like a leaf,

My bag I’d full of anxiety,

Too distressed for all this,

I’m so tense,

I fear I may snap,

I can’t stay still,

I’m on the move,

I’m so scared,

Nothing is worse,

Then this battle within.

I feel flustered and jittery,

The shakes won’t go,

Till I wear me down 

So much so,

The exhaustion 

Acts as a buffer,

Till it starts all over again,

My neurotic mind 

Reaches new levels,

I  am afraid of the future 

Wondering when

It will stop. 

Prose for Thought

The things that I want to work on.

Hey readers,

I don’t really do resolutions but I like to have goals just generally to ty and strive to. So I thought I would write them down, no pressure to achieve them but do what I can.

  1. Learning to say no and not instantly saying yes because that is what people want to hear. Then later having to deal with the anxiety. Knowing that I can take my time and not instantly  reply.
  2. Being more accepting of myself and that I have faults but does not make me less of a person.
  3. Being more open with how feel and even improve how I express myself. Even if it is a tiny smidgen it is better then staying put.
  4. Working better on my atrocious grammar, something I am constantly striving to improve. English language is a struggle for me so there is always room for improvement.
  5. Having more confidence, I know so common but so true. I have very low confidence especially when it comes to parenting.
  6. Eating healthy and making  better choices when it comes to food.
  7. Getting better camera control when doing YouTube videos. Stop being so lazy and take my time with the tripod.
  8. Increasing my social media stats would be nice. Who doesn’t hey and though I am not that bothered and I don’t have a huge influence, it is nice to work on something that is visual and know you can grow from working on your blog.
  9. Getting better in social environments, even if it is just asking a shop assistant for something or going in and ordering something. I am constantly anxious and worry about being embarrassed in front of people.
  10. Not holding on to destructive thoughts or taking things personally. This is first mode I go into and trying to reason more would help me greatly.

Cheers for reading X

3 Little Buttons

Ftmob – January 2017

Hey readers,

Whilst drawing in a book for pen control with my eldest son, he commented saying that this the bird and (the line) is a wee line as he is a male and has a willy.

Early this week in the car the eldest wanting to discuss, “what is love?” which we had to explain the different types of love and what it felt like when you love something or someone.

My eldest was super tired the other day and really upset. “I want to be a women and have a baby”. He was absolutely gutted that he can’t have a baby. We also explained that you don’t just need a woman to have a baby but also need a man to fertilise the egg.

My youngest over the past month speech/vocabulary has come on leaps and bounds. When it was just me and him shopping he said, “I miss daddy and my older brother”, so cute.

My eldest made me laugh, “I wish Christmas was every day”. Hubby said, “well emm Christmas can’t be every day as it will be very boring and nothing special. Not to mention cost a fortune”. My son responded, “Ok daddy, then let’s just have it two or three days a week”.

Cheers for reading X

Little Hearts, Big Love