I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.
So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.
- Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
- such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
- My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
- My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
- A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.
The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.
Cheers for reading X
My word of the week is:
because my son this weekend went to his first ever scout camp. We were a bit apprehensive as my son is autistic and we weren’t sure how he would respond. Luckily my husband is a volunteer so he stays with him so he doesn’t have a sudden breakdown. That helped a great deal. He did struggle in the evening and the following day. However hubby took him aside to talk it though.
The good news is he did enjoy the camp and he is really looking forward to the next one. However, Monday he was mentally drained from it, so we had to take it really slow with him. Still, for us it is positive he stuck it out and enjoyed himself.
He loved the food from camp as well, I can’t believe how much he ate and even tried the jacket potato though previously he would be against it.
Hope you have had a good week.
Cheers for reading X
One of my problems due to my depression and autism is that I can pull my hair out. I link it to sensory purposes as sometimes I am so numb that I want to feel something or hurt myself. I have been knowing to pull and yank my hair when I am very distressed. I have ripped out clumps of hair when I am going through a meltdown or when I am really angry because I don’t always have the communication skills to express myself. Sometimes, I feel that I need to punish myself because I am not a good parent. I hate myself and worry that I am royally screwing up my children because I have a disability and can not always give the opportunities that other parents can give to their children.
I know it is not the ‘normal’ way to self-harm that has been popularised over the years. I get so frustrated and hurt myself due to low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy due to my autism. I know this is a sad state of affairs but it is true.
I have always struggled with my autism probably because of past responses of parent/carer when I was younger of not being good enough or the adult of my care being in denial and rejecting my diagnosis. Even to this day I still battle with the thoughts frequently.
I have discussed in a vlog before about skin picking but I haven’t mentioned hair pulling because I was in a bit of denial. I feel through the autism community is good online in accepting and promoting praise for the disability. I feel that if you were to pipe up and say actually sometimes I don’t like being autistic, that you might get abuse and people won’t like you. I guess I am not yet that strong to always speak out and be honest about how I am feeling. I think it is something with time and with my confidence in blogging writing it will come out.
Maybe one day I may get so bad that I need to look at treatment to sort out my hair. One way could be a hair transplant. look into hair transplant cost
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to be this perfect mummy and then what happens is that I don’t enjoy this rubbish facade I pretended to be that I was so miserable. However, one thing I did learn is that you don’t have to go overboard with your children, sometimes the simplest things are the best. Here are my five favorite things to do with kids.
You can not go wrong with simply coloring in with pens or crayons. Or just getting some plain paper and drawing random shapes. My eldest particular loves this because he finds it calming and so do I.
A fantastic and cheap activity to do that doesn’t cause any mess is getting a straw and a little ball and blowing it to one another across the table. It is great because the boys see it as a game and I don’t have to think so much which is always a winner in my eyes.
My boys love books and there educational too. You don’t even have to spend tons of money, go to the library let them pick a book or two. They will feel good because they can feel or grow up because it is there choice. Reading together is great bonding time and also helps with communication, win-win.
A fun game that both boys love playing and actually spend a long time on is getting all the pillows on the floor and just let run or jump. They love playing together with races and it is so easy to do.
Get some pasta and some threat and thread the pasta throw. Very simple activity but great for helping with fine motor skills and coordination.
What simple activities help you to keep your little ones entertained?
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes I am guilty of procrastinating – where I want to put off things and makeup all the excuses under the sun just simple in order to not do the task. There may be many reasons why people procrastinate and it his hard work to change that mindset. So, here is some of my tips that have helped me to get in touch with motivation and get stuff done.
Write it down.
Sometimes, I have so many things I want to do that I simply get overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. Therefore, I have always found it good to start with writing down all the things I need to do. Then put them in order of importance and follow that list accordingly. It doesn’t matter if I don’t do all the things on the list, it is the starting of the tasks that are important. Once I have achieved this I can feel less dread and more inclination to carry on the next day and so on.
If you have one big goal a way to move forward is to break it down into more measurable chunks. Small steps lead to big things and knowing you have reached levels can spur you on to the end. Rather then simply seeing something big it can be better than to visualise and be inspired to get going on it.
Have a timetable that is split up into smaller times. For example, don’t just think about doing all the work in a three-hour block but maybe do one hour in the morning, one hour in the afternoon and one in the evening so it is broken up giving you that break. It is actually better to do work in smaller chunks throughout the day as your concentration will be better and then in turn production will be much better quality.
Sometimes, I go and change my environment to give me that fresh scenery to work in. I have worked in the library and been much more productive because of the people around and got more done when there are fewer distractions at home.
working with someone else can be a real motivator as they kick you up the bum to get work done or the social pressure is much stronger there for willing to do the work rather than doing on your own and you use all the excuses inside your head. At least with someone else they can encourage you to do the work and challenge you if you are feeling like you have an excuse to step away from it.
We all know rewards can be a great way of achieving a goal because it gives that incentive to do that work. So, maybe have a reward chart that you can treat yourself to something small such as a hot chocolate or an episode of your favorite programme.
What kind of thing helps you get out of procrastinating?
Cheers for reading X